Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Haha hate it when I walk into a room and then forget what I came in for.
Executioner: Seriously these are your last words?

I read a description of my personality and it warned that I should be careful not to let myself fall into “hermit mode” and I’m like hermit mode sounds awesome how do I unlock hermit mode

(Hot girl walks in)
Brain: Alright don’t panic. Tell her she has beautiful hair. No wait tell her she has beautiful legs!
Me: Hi you have beautiful hairy legs.
Brain: My bad.

Accidentally just knocked a lady over in Dominos Pizza. Well, I say one…

Nurse: You can come inside now.

*Stands up*

*Dusts off jacket*

*Straightens bow tie*

*Fastens cufflinks*

*Ahem*

“That’s what she said”

Improve your DVD collection by simply attaching googly eyes!

still one of the greatest philosophical minds of our time

My Sweet Lord implies the existence of My Salty Lord, My Sour Lord, my Bitter Lord and of course the more recently discovered My Umami Lord

My grandmother found my original Strawberry Shortcake doll from the 80s and it still smells delicious and I’m wondering what kind of chemical warfare substance N perfume they put on these dolls back in the day that it has lasted for so long.

Places to learn how to chug your drink:
1. College frat
2. Airport security line

The main reason I don’t want to monetise my Twitter in any way isn’t so much on principle but more out of the shame I would feel if I had to disclose “low quality anonymous shitposting” to the Tax Office all for $4.50 in annual profits

It frustrates me when people refuse to adopt the technology of the day and respond promptly to my faxes.

the moon landing, except it’s the moon, landing on earth. everyone is just as excited. at first.

The traffic must be horrendous in a red light district

My 5yo is insisting weasels aren’t real and that I’m the one who told him that, and I did not know I was going to have defend myself like this before coffee

I didn’t get a chance to do yoga this morning or any other morning of my life.

Mr. Potato Head was an only child in spite of being made by Hasbro.

Roses are red
Daisies are white
I’m in a grumpy mood
My underwear is too tight

My sixth grader told me this morning that when his homeroom teacher calls the roll, all of his classmates decided that instead of saying ‘Here!’ or ‘Present!’ they will say ‘Against my will’.

It’s all fun and games until someone from real life recognizes you and you realize you’re too small to drag off the body.

Man: *shaking collection tin* please sir, for alcoholics

Me: *taking the tin* wow, that’sh sho kind, thankshh!

Just a reminder your kids will be left to clean out your belongings when you die and will find ‘the bedroom drawer’.

Some of you are calling yourself British but I haven’t seen you complain about the weather once.

Curious…

How the Grinch Stole Christmas (1966): A hermit living within his means is ultimately corrupted by the power of consumerism.

To be fair to Justin Bieber if I had more than $75 I would act the way he does

Probably one of the hardest things for Pinocchio to pull off was complimenting his friend’s experimental theater piece.

If I could sing like Janis Joplin I’d be able to sing my children a lullaby before bed and yell at them to go to bed at the same time.

Nothing good ever comes after: “I’m not trying to be creepy, but…”