Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

remember

only for emergencies

Throw it against the wall and see if it sticks: good advice for cooks, great advice for Spiderman’s taxidermist.

It’s so unsettling meeting a baby with a grown man’s name. No I don’t want to hold Keith but can he look over my investment portfolio for me

[at bank]

Samuel L Jackson turning in swear jar: I need a bank check to buy Rhode Island

2010 Drive-by: Someone wants you dead.

2020 Drive-by: It’s probably your birthday.

BOSS: you’re fired
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?
BOSS: no
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?

playing my favorite songs that no ones enjoying but me

“Oh. Wow. Oh. Jeez. We didn’t think everyone was gonna bring a bag!” -airlines

If you are ever being attacked by a bear, be really mean to it. Just say some really messed up stuff about it. You’ll still die but that bear will be self-conscious from then on

Just finished a show and in need of new entertainment so imma ask the hubs what one thing does he wish he could change about me

I think the bigger issue with our country is that Paula Deen even had that many endorsements to lose in the 1st place.

Neighbor: hey, it looks like my trampoline got blown into your yard during the storm last night

Me: no, that’s mine

Neighbor: it’s definitely mine

Me: no, it was gifted to me by the sky gods

Neighbor: I’m taking it back

Me: ok, but the sky gods won’t be pleased about this

I was in a district team building meeting today and everyone had to say something they loved. They chose me first and I said vintage Pyrex and the leader said “not your husband or kids?” and this is a level of awkward I’d not experienced yet in life

My wife claims watching me do karate “isn’t foreplay.” Why am I even alive.

Him: you watch too much Food Network

Me: just enjoy your artisanal bread covered in a delectable berry compote

Him: its toast and jelly

Son: Dont be a square. Everything is groovy.

Me: What are you doing?

Son: Like totally speaking your language, fer sure!

Me:

Son: Hello fellow olds!

Whacked myself on the butt with a fly swatter just to feel something

@Book_Krazy @funTweeters 🙂

you should be able to donate somebody else’s body to science

Me: I find I do better in life if I just block unpleasant things out.

Him: I don’t know how to do that.

Me puzzled: when did you get here?

They really need to stop hyping up these storms because I bought a lot of doritos and the power didn’t even go out.

Me: I bet I totally got like 10,000 steps in today.

My mother: you lost your car in the parking garage didn’t you?

Me: WHY CAN’T YOU EVER JUST BE HAPPY FOR ME?!

My mom always said, ‘If you can’t say something nice, don’t say anything at all.’ Funeral was pretty quiet

I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.

Wanted: Human left leg, to finish the monster I’m making in my basement. Will pay handsomely. No weirdo’s.

I’ve never felt more understood than when my 7yo climbed into my bed, heard his dad snoring like a chainsaw and went right back to his own room.

I could never be on The Bachelor. I don’t need millions watching me get dumped & cry on tv. It’s bad enough my cat sees that shit everyday.

I wonder if the username “That Cab” is free, cause a lot of people would want to follow “That Cab”

Met 3 other women in the bathroom at this restaurant who are also on first dates. We all collaborated and discussed our dates in here. We are best friend and will be in each other weddings