My daughter called Neapolitan ice cream “three-way” ice cream & I’m not sure I’ll correct her cuz I’m a horrible person & it makes me laugh.
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so i guess the opposite of dateline would be friendzonesquiggle.
There’s so many streaming services and shows I just make shit up to recommend to my friends. You gotta watch Red Water on Home Depot Plus. It’s incredible. They just go “yeah I’ll check that out” like we all do when we know we won’t.
Tommy Lee Jones always looks like his son just told him he wants to ride unicycles professionally.
Pilot: Hi folks, I thought it’d be nice to speak to you out here instead of over the intercom. Unrelated, is anyone on board a locksmith?
I like to say thank you to my server when he arrives with the water, then again while he’s pouring the water, then another time when he hands me the glass full of water, and then one final time when he’s walking away
If I ever become rich, you know where all my money is going?
To the bank
5 ants rented an apartment with 5 other ants.
Now they are tenants together.
Marriage means commitment. So does insanity.
Coincidence?
My kids have been joking for weeks about a new pokémon called puke-achu and then they got the stomach flu and brought it to life
One day, some dude was all “You know where we should save our money? Inside a statue of a pig,” and everybody went “That is a GREAT idea.”
Waiter: Did you save room for dessert?
Me: Not really, I’m stuffed
Waiter: Ok, I’ll bring the check
Me: I’ll have the chocolate cake.
I can’t believe I gave up my best sleeping years to raise children.
BREAKING NEWS: lost city of atlantis found in detroit pothole
3 y/o, sobbing : I’VE JUST SWALLOWED MY SUPERMAN TOY!
Me: Ok calm down. I know exactly what you’ve got to do.
3 y/o: what?
Me: You’ve got to search for the hero inside yourself.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Is anyone here a doctor?
ME: *opening WebMD* Hold on, hold on.
RIP Ronaldo’s Moth. The world’s most famous footballing insect has died after a long and illustrious career. He was 6 weeks old.
yall can name 10 kardashians but you can’t name 10 jesuses
Eddie is one of our desert tortoises. If you don’t push the door shut all the way, he will open it and come in. Eddie is probably over 50 years old, and ours is at least the third house in our neighborhood he’s lived at.
Kid: hey, maybe we can do
something fun soon.*My kid, after a summer filled
with playdates, pools, beaches,
farms, friends, family, bike riding,
playgrounds, fishing, cottage, ATV,
sleep overs, and his birthday.
NURSE: The other nurses and I bought you this box of chocolates for Valentines Day!
DR DOG: You’re joking, right?
Aries: You will be transported into a video game. Don’t get excited. You’ll be a tree.
Disney made such a big deal of kissing dead people. I kissed one dead person and now I’m no longer allowed at the morgue
Idea for a romcom. Two people hook up on a night out. Wake up and have to self isolate for two weeks in one of their flats because of COVID-19. Working title: Just the two of (vir)us.
*hands cashier $100 bill
“Ya have anything smaller?”
*crumbles up $100 bill and hands it to cashier
“Can you move it? Then it’s not broken. Go play.”
– Dad Medicine 101
crazy
my ex: i want u back
me: the groupchat said no
Nothing makes me more stabby than when my husband ignores me and starts talking to the dog.
I like to shout, “ohh it burns!” while using a public restroom.
[standing in bushes with binoculars watching neighbor who is also in bushes watching me though binoculars]