I’m at my most Disney Princess when I fight with my stepfamily before drunkenly losing my shoe at a party.
You Might Also Like
[Petco]
INTERVIEWER: We’re looking for a real fish person.
ME: Like a mermaid?
INTERVIEWER:
[giving mother in law my famous salad dressing recipe over the phone] 1 part vinegar, then *bites lip so I don’t laugh* 2 parts baking soda
My kid keeps talking about his preschool “road trip” and I’m not sure a visit to an apple orchard has ever been described in that way
After 17 years I can say with authority that the key to a long marriage is being too lazy to get up off the couch and set your spouse on fire
I’ve started my new diet by putting a salad in front of the beer.
Thus I have to move it to get a beer.
Because exercise is important too.
Watch closely as the husband quietly approaches the calm children, riles them up into a frenzy, then slyly escapes to watch football.
I’m beginning to think the dark circles that appeared under my eyes in 2008 may not go away.
Customer service: how can I help you?
Me: yeah, I’d like to change my security question. My favorite kid is now Josh
Them: Can you imagine jogging—
Me: No
Them: —in this heat
Me:
I believe there’s at least 1 killer tweet in each of us. I must have had 2 and they killed each other.
[first date]
HER: Scars are beautiful. Each one tells a story of personal growth and triumph over adversity.
ME: I got this one fighting a porpoise.
My retirement plan is to get hit by a bus. My pre-retirement plans involves eating a lot of cheeseburgers to become a bigger target.
The 16yo tells me he’s been revising all day. His browser history suggests he’s got his YouTube exam in the morning.
My husband and I don’t keep score. Mostly because neither of us have that kind of memory capacity.
New neighbor: Hi, I’m Sara.
(recalling the 47 Sarah’s already in my life)
Me: I’m sorry, this isn’t going to work out.
My first son he is wonderful
“You lie like a doge!” I tell my wife.
“So deceit!” I add.
“Very fraud!” I mention.
“Much fiction!” I point out.“Wow,” she says.
They say time flies when you’re having fun which would explain why I’m stuck in 1998.
[when i was a kid]
DAD: remember, if a girl is mean to you, that means she likes you
[today]
MY BOSS: you screwed everything up this week you idiot
ME: sorry, i’m not really looking for a relationship right now
[christmas eve]
SON: i’m gonna stay up late and catch santa claus!
ME: listen kiddo, about santa
SON: yea?
ME: [whispering] he could snap u in half like a damn twig
SON: what
ME: he’s wily too. like a jackal
[business meeting at restaurant]
“There’s more than one way to skin a cat”
[Family of cats at next table]
*mom cat puts paw on cat dad’s arm
Scar from the Lion King who is your mechanic and just fixed your car horn: beep repaired!
Learning minion language on Duolingo while my girl friend prepares to host thanksgiving for 48 people
God: I made spring time so that all could witness nature’s rebirth!
Satan: I make people scroll down to find their birth year.
Me at 10 pm: lets brush my teeth so that I don’t eat unnecessarily
Me at 10.10 pm: dang it
“Does this spark joy?”
[my wife shakes her head as Marie Kondo forcibly removes me from our house]
The camera adds like 10-15 crooked teeth.
-Steve Buscemi
Wanna feel old? This is Calvin and Hobbes now
I can count on my hook how many hands I’ve lost.
I could have been the favourite Mistress of the Sun King at Versailles but nooooooooo I had to be born into late stage capitalism