I’m at my most Disney Princess when I fight with my stepfamily before drunkenly losing my shoe at a party.
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It’s that time of year again, to reflect and remember how much I love my tax deductions.
Kids… I meant my kids.
I identify with this toooooo much. 😂😂😂😂😂
one of my favorite Halloween memories was trick or treating and a very stoned dude in his 20’s opened the door and was like “oh man I forgot it was today. Let me see if I have anything for you” and then I hear him going through his pantry and he goes “do you like soup”
true crime documentaries are like “this serial killer had to have been a SOPHISTICATED GENIUS! after all, how else could they have outwitted a small-town police department in northern minnesota???”
when your food arrives but you have to wait for everyone else at the table
[walking down the canned meat aisle at the grocery store]
my phone: spam risk
There are 400 billion birds in the world, 250,000 planes, and one Superman.
So, in answer to your question – probably a bird.
KIDNAPPER: all of my demands are on the table
POLICE CAT: for now
*at Pearly Gates
Cat (in dog costume): Uh bark
St. Peter: Mittens, I said no
“I may not be a “pilot” or know anything about “flying”, but here’s how I’d land this baby…”
– what teachers hear when parents tell them how to run their classrooms
My son sent me a text saying he has a new Lady Friend. I texted back, “Either you’re paying her by the hour or it’s 1885.”
My veterinarian asked a lot of personal questions. He was all like “Why do you want so much horse tranquilizer?” & “Do you even own horses?”
My mom would probably complain in my funeral about how somebody’s son died better
me: I’ve been thinking about you all day.
cookie:
If you have a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: Take two, and KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN.
Would a rose by any other name still let Jack die?
The final exam for police service dogs to remain calm in front of a cat, Germany, 1987.
[at a child’s birthday party]
Lady: which one’s yours?
Me: uhh, that one
L: that’s my daughter
M: *grabs the cake and runs*
Halloween is cool because it’s the one night a year I don’t get in trouble for pretending to be a doctor
I apologise if I offended you.
And if I haven’t yet, just give it time.
10 just said the 6 words every parent dreads hearing:
‘I need to practice my recorder’
Please don’t interrupt me when I’m trying to overhear something.
My type is 12 pt Helvetica.
I’d like to say that I don’t have a favorite child, but I asked my kids what they’d like me to make for dinner and my 8yo said cereal.
friend: got any advice for a struggling actor?
me: maybe audition for roles that involve being tied up
Psychologist: I found that through a system of simple rewards I can train an animal to repeat a specific behavior.
Boss: Nice. Keep it up, Skinner, and you’ll get tenure.
You know those medieval paintings where the artist has never seen an elephant, but they DID read a description of them and they’re certain they got the gist of it? Anyway,
[On phone]
“Did u see the weather forecast?”
“No. I refuse to be sucked in by Big Weather.”
“Where are you? Its so noisy.”
“IN A TORNADO.”
Pan Left To Soak Now Predates All Current Roommates
