I’m at my most Disney Princess when I fight with my stepfamily before drunkenly losing my shoe at a party.
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Our son came home one day with
a note from his first grade teacher:Your son bit another boy today.
Is he getting enough to eat at home ?
I’ve decided to stop using ladders. Put it down to “climb it change.”
Remember when you were 16 in drama class and you were like “Pfft. Whatever, I’ll never use this” and then your parents open their now empty liquor cabinet and you had to be like “Forsooth! What treachery has befallen my family?”
I always carry a megaphone in my purse, in case I wander off and get lost at Costco.
i would simply not board a british passenger liner that was poorly captained and about to sideswipe an iceberg
eye doctor: your results aren’t good
me: can I see them
eye doctor: probably not
I told my bf if he keeps forgetting to say “bless you” when I sneeze I’m going to just go ahead and let that old lady, nagging demon in.
He said “so what would be the difference?”
If anyone asks, you haven’t seen him in two weeks either.
I’m so awkward I visited a new doctor today and when they came in I literally said “Those are some nice shoes”. I have to find another doctor already.
All set.
inventor of oreos: in the center is yummy cream
nabisco: and the outside?
inventor: absolute garbage
nabisco: stop i love it
Mrs. Jekyll: I’m eating for two
Dr. Jekyll: oh no not you too
[job interview]
employer: what skills do you possess that are helpful to the company
me: the skills that will make your other employees look brilliant
ENTER PASSWORD.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
RESET PASSWORD.
NEW PASSWORD CAN’T BE OLD PASSWORD.
sets fire to computer
Do you know what happens after 8 tequila shots?
Me neither.
A fun thing about toddlers is that they will pretend to eat tacos but as soon as you make them for dinner they’re ‘gistusting.’
A book doesn’t get jealous when you finish it and start another book.
My hobby is misidentifying dinosaurs so my daughter can correct me
TRES leches?! En esta economía?!
“I shaved for this shit?” – All of us at one point in our lives.
Got dragged to a Sarah McLachlan concert…came home with 7 dogs, 3 cats and a ferret.
Me: Ok, here we go. Right foot, yellow
Me: Left hand, red
Me: Left foot, green
Police sketch artist: this can’t be true
This 1886 photograph of a young girl trying to cut a beam of sunlight with a pair of scissors is either a wonderful testament to the boundless imagination of childhood, or a clear example of the fact that kids were just as dumb 135 years ago.
Them: you’re 30 and still living with your parents!?!
Me, visibly perplexed: WHO’S PARENTS AM I SUPPOSED TO LIVE WITH THEN!!?!
[first day as a hacker] *puts ax down* i got inside their computer alright
Friend zone?!
I’ve been sister zoned! And if one more dude pats me on the head, I’m telling mom!!
Supposed to leave for vacation in 5 minutes. Somehow, the clothes I need to pack that I threw in the washer an hour ago, aren’t ready.
TIM: how are you?
ME: it’s Monday
TIM: yeah
ME: the sun is up
TIM: are u just listing facts?
ME: lettuce is a member of the sunflower family
WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: Did Smurfette call them her bluebs?
WIFE: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’.
[first day as diving instructor]
Guy [from the back]: what’s the signal for a shark
Me: sharks don’t really give signals they just show up
Her: (Sigh) How did you burn the Thanksgiving Turkey?
Me: I followed the directions. 20 minutes a pound at 325 degrees. I weigh 175 pounds!