Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

One time, I pulled my pants down to moon someone & accidentally opened the car door instead of the window & rolled down the street naked.

Having survived numerous mysterious strangers attempting to kill him as a child, Hitler swore revenge on a cruel world.

Pizza shop said they loved unusual requests so I asked if they could find my dad.

“This almost never happens,” I apologise to my date as the gates of hell open up and a kangaroo hops out.

Indie bands are always like “we recorded this album at an abandoned spaghetti factory in Providence, Rhode Island.” Why? Why’d you do that? There are recording studios with couches and electricity

Wife: Who is it?

Me [hand over phone]: The police, they say it’s now illegal to fake throw a ball

Dog in other room: [hangs up his phone]

6yo: Newton discovered gravy

Me: gravity, he discovered gravity.

6yo: what’s that?

Me: it’s what stops you floating off into space

6yo: *sadly* he should have stuck with the gravy

Through repetition and sheer will I’ve mastered gracefully falling on my head

Stop pronouncing it “pecan.” Everyone knows it’s “pecan.”

I just overheard someone threaten that they were going to “put their foot down”. What kind of threat is that unless you’re Godzilla?

Me: What is wrong with me?

Brain: You don’t listen, you’re lazy, zero etiquette, you’re broke with no ambition AND you have weird thoughts that you act out like a play.

Me: Sry, you lost me at “I don’t listen”.

My safe word is antidisestablishmentarianism.

Don’t worry. I never get laid.

the worst thing about getting attacked by a crocodile is that your friends will probably scream “watch out for that alligator!” and then you will have to explain to them the difference while it’s eating your face

“You’re asking too much! I have a LIFE, you know!” I scream at this recipe that requires several of the ingredients to be sifted in a separate bowl before adding to the main mixture.

*walks outside to see an abandoned post-apocalyptic desert, humanity wiped out, no one to be seen*
“Ugh the ONE day my hair looks perfect”

HADES: Unleash the hell hound!
CERBERUS: *sipping tea* I told you to ask first if it’s a good time for us.
HADES: Is it a–
CERBERUS: No.

Me: *looking fly*

Target self-checkout camera: lol no

Maybe I only need some intents and purposes.

‘I am your God, and now it is night!’ I say as I turn the fish tank light off.

“I trust him as far as I can throw him.”

Oh and we’re supposed to trust you, the guy who THROWS people?

“Missed you.”
– a lover

“Missed you.”
– a sniper

Context is important.

Sorry I have been gone for the last two days, my son had a quick story to tell me

When I got my new jacket ,they said it was reversible. I tried it both ways ,but I had a hard time working the zipper behind my back

Why would a straight guy hate gay guys?

Here’s a group of men who look better than you.. but don’t even want women.

You should be glad.

Me: “Seems bad that King Charles is ill, his wife is unpopular, and his heir is up to some problematic shit”

2020’s guy: “yeah”

1680’s guy: “yeah”

Having an older dog means ten seconds after you drop a piece of food, you have to drop an even bigger piece of food so they can find it.

This place has ruined me, I watched my mate trip and comically fall to the ground and my first reactions were: giggle and yell “parkour”.

just took a call from a patient whose bday was 04/20/1969 and had him repeat it to me 3 times

t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t

~ just dotting some i’s and crossing some t’s.

A fox: People aren’t so bad. I hear they named a news station after us.
[Watches 1 minute of Hannity]
We attack the humans at dawn.