Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[first day as a teacher]

me: today we’re learning the alphabet

kid: that’s easy

me: no it’s A-Z idiot

On this edition of House Hunters: He rides the back of trash truck, she’s a nail tech. Their budget is $15M.
Let’s see what they can do!

Someday archeologists are going to dig up Disney World and think that it was some type of bizarre mouse worshipping kingdom.

*Buys a bunch of wooden letters*

Cashier: Feeling crafty?
Me: Nope, just trying to make a name for myself.

*Password looks at itself in the mirror*

“Don’t listen to Google. You are a strong, confident password.”

I’ve got just over 13 hours to lose 35 pounds and finish a novel

My daughter has decided she now eats dark chocolate, the one treat I never had to hide because I was the only one in the house who liked it.

Nothing is sacred.

Just ruined my dad’s night by texting pics of a bird he can’t positively ID

i forgot to mention those pills i gave you might turn you into a sloth
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
“ok”

I hate how people pile on chiropractors just because they’re fake and dangerous

RIP Medusa you would’ve hated selfies.

When I’m worried about something, I find that going on a walk is a great way to get outside, breathe, and think of new things to worry about

coworker: I might have to get a new doctor, it’s impossible to make appointments with them! they don’t answer their phones or return messages.

me: ask them who their CEO is

No my Darling, I won’t be skipping to the loo. I have a situation and I shall be walking, ever so slowly, ever so carefully, to the loo. Like I’m transporting nitroglycerin in a Conestoga over the Sierra Nevada.

Father’s Day tip: Your Dad is busy this weekend.

[During an interrogation]

Bad cop: That’s not gonna fly

Penguin cop: Seriosly? I’m right here

I don’t get spin classes, you do know they make bikes that move now too?.. and you can ride to somewhere and get a beer or a sandwich… it’s way more rewarding.

If you want to avoid dementia, choose parents without it in their genealogy. Science shows everything is genetic. Especially intelligence

Jack: how’s it going
Beans: pretty good

– Jack and the beans talk

*checks pockets for phone 53 times before jumping in pool*

*skinny dips to be on the safe side*

Ralph thought she had a nerve to scream when she was the one trying to pee on him.

Interviewer: can you tell me about a time when you succeeded?

Me: (nods and looks out the window contemplatively) no

20: omg my life is going to be so aweso—

40: wtf just happened

I played the computer game Elite as a kid. Asked my Dad what Narcotics were and thought he said “Rugs”. Spent ages wondering why my carpet trading caused so much space police activity. Didn’t realise until years later.

I think it’s funny when parents get actually mad at people for call themselves a dog mom it’s like yeah no duh it’s not the same thing people actually like their dogs

Me: Mmm…I love your milky white skin.
Him: Ma’am are you registered for this class?
Me: Yes
Him: Step away from the CPR doll and sit down.

*wearing five finger condoms on both hands* ok time for some safe sexting

Friend: What’s it like having kids?

Me: *crushes cracker and sneezes it into their face*

BOND: The name’s Bond. James Bond.

ME: That’s a weird way to say your name, dude.

BOND: I’m a spy.

ME: You are bad at all parts of this.

Me: “My wish is have a nice quiet retirement in a little house by the water.”

Genie: