I’m at my most fake news when I tell my husband how much money I spent shopping.
You Might Also Like
[First date]
Date: so you’re profile said you’re a big Taylor Swift fan. You must like her a lot.
Me (74 feet tall): I like her a moderate amount
Being unable to recreate this high is why we all have depression.
#ParentingFacts
Whenever someone says, “that’s what she said”, I like to reply with, “not to you”
Don’t get mad. Get odd. Like incredibly odd. Show up in a clown suit to their work. Draw potatoes on all their mirrors. Make them be afraid.
*Husband sneezes loudly
Me: What do we say to Daddy, kids?
Kids, in unison: NO ONE WANTS YOUR GERMS
And on the eighth day, God let the dogs out. And there was much confusion among the Baha Men.
Sorry I fell in love when you did your flailing arms dance
Him: I have feelings for you.
Me: I’d rather you have cake for me.
Dammit my husband found my candy stash in the bag of riced cauliflower in the freezer. He’s good.
Every time someone tries to fight with me on Twitter a middle finger gets its wings.
If you keep bending your iPhone 6 you’ll eventually have a sweet flip phone.
HR gave me some amazing advice for dealing with stress. It really works. To release anger, just write letters to the people you hate then burn them. Not sure what you do with the letters though.
My kid just tried to win an argument with “Because I said so” and I had to break it to him that only parents get to win by saying that.
paul mccartney: all the lonely people, where do they all come from? all the lonely people, where do they all belong?
[from back of the room]: twitter
I’m a cat person. I sleep all day and spend the rest of the time trying to convince my wife I haven’t eaten yet.
You say you’re a stoner?
Name every stone then
[Ocean’s 14]
Danny Ocean: We’re going to steal the world’s largest ball of twine
“I’m leaving you”
“why?”
“Your jokes are old and tiresome”
“but, I can updog”
“What’s updog?”
“NOTHIN, WHAT’S UP WI-”
*slams door*
I feel a deep connection to librarians because I also love telling people to shut up.
Sometimes I don’t even know why I bother boiling my underpants.
I love when I can still smell your colon on my pillow the next day.
-why spelling matters
Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed
[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating
Although I’m not exactly overjoyed with my single status. I thank God I’m not married to the obviously married guy hitting on me.
I’m sorry I don’t speak any English
-me when someone starts talking to me
My grandpa would be 97 today if he hadn’t double-crossed me
animal planet had a show called “the most extreme” where they would do lists of animals. they did an episode on the deadliest animals. i was ten years old when i watched this episode and i cannot tell you how pissed off i was when they revealed that number one was “mosquito”.
I bought a big bag of M&Ms thinking I could have 3 every night for a snack, as if I’ve never met me before.
I’ve never been on a diet but one time I had to wait until my wife left the kitchen so I could sneak some more cookies before dinner.