I’m at my most financial consultant when I tell the McDonald’s employee what my change back should be.
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I wish companies would use pictures of models looking frazzled and exhausted on their websites so I can get a real idea of what their clothes will look like on me
I once had sex while drinking a beer and didn’t spill a drop.
I only wish there was someone else there to witness it.
If I like you I keep you close, if not I keep you at a distance so I can mime squishing your head between my thumb and forefinger.
Doctor is treating me with a steroid for my poison ivy and said it will make me very hungry and irritable, so no one should see any changes in my behavior.
With these gas prices, arson’s sure not the cheap thrill it used to be
“Why don’t you want to have kids?”
*motions hysterically in every direction*
*Opens Facebook, closes Facebook
*Opens Insta, closes Insta
*Opens twitter, doesn’t sleep for 3 days
“French town to register all local dogs’ DNA to cut mess left on streets. Database will find wrongdoers & fine them.” No fines yet but so far six Poodles have found out they are half Borzoi, two Corgis found their birth mothers, and a Maltese is suing a Pug for child support.
Priest: What can I do for you son?
Me: A man ran over my dog and several hours later he died
Priest: Oh no I am so sorry
Me: The good news is my dog’s ok
Zoos would be cooler if you had to fight each animal before you could see the next one
liquor on the top shelf is so expensive because the bartender has to stand on their tippy toes to reach it
Video Games in the 80s: Run! Jump! Eat this flower! Collect the coins!
Video Games Now: You are a broken man, haunted by the choices you’ve made. You do not fear the sweet embrace of death, but you still have unfinished business.
So You Think You Can Peel A Kiwi
Kraft recalled 96,000 pounds of cheese-filled hot dogs. I recall 96,000 pounds of cheese-filled hot dogs too. That was one wild summer.
Doctor, reaching for a piece of paper: “Are you on any meds?”
Me: “You might want to grab a notebook.”
Your 30’s mostly consist of getting excited when you find out a professional athlete is older than you.
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I’m stupid
“He covers himself in baby powder before we have sex”
HOW ELSE DO YOU MAKE A BABY, KAREN?
“Involve your toddler in cooking!” …so dinner can take 35 minutes longer to make and they still won’t eat anything.
THERAPIST: [over the phone] How have you been passing the time?
ME: [mixing 4 types of cereal together to create a stronger, more delicious super cereal] I’m learning to cook
if you guys saw this outside of a bar, would you come in? please be honest
Just a reminder that nobody knew what was inside Willy Wonka’s factory when the contest happened. So people spent millions trying to find the golden ticket to witness what was most likely a standard assembly line operation.
Mom: Where are you?
Me: Mumbai
Mom: Don’t you hang up on me!
Welcome to your 40s…no matter how badly you want to prove to your kid that you can still do a backflip…trust me, it’s not worth it.
[text]
Me: Where are you?
Boy: home
Me: Let’s verify that. You have 3 minutes to send me a photo of the inside of our freezer.
teacher: how long ago did the dinosaurs go extinct?
me: *extreme staind voice* it’s been awhile–
No, I can’t come to your wedding. I just realized the remote works through the blanket.
2022 appliances: *break within 2 years*
1970s refrigerator: i will outlive u and everyone u love. i am eternal. i am time itself
“Sorry to bother you at home,” I say, climbing out of your bathtub
Huge thanks to @funTweeters for publishing my tweet! This made my week 🙂
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need another cup of coffee
And a donut, too.