I’m at my most financial consultant when I tell the McDonald’s employee what my change back should be.
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Despite what we’ve been lead to believe,
nobody really really really wants a zigga zig ahh
Omg. Why do I always look terrible when I leave the house.
*stays in bed until 4 minutes before I’m supposed to leave*
I don’t hate people for their skin, creeds or heritage. I hate them based on how fond they are of Minions.
Me: [talking to millenials] When I was your age, dragons roamed the earth. Magic was real. There were only three Star Wars movies.
GOOD COP: I’m going to read you your rights
BAD COP: I’m going to beat a confession out of you
CENTRIST COP: you both make some good points
HEY GRAPEFRUIT, know what else is a grape AND a fruit? GRAPES. yeah. so get your own name you citrus idiot
I was home alone the other day and was frightened by a very loud noise, then I realized it was just my stomach growling.
What I said: Brush your teeth!
What my 4yo heard: Chew on your toothbrush so I have to buy you a new one every week.
ohhhhh my GOD I just told the dog “hey we’ll go for a walk once the baby’s awake, okay?”
and she looked at me, ran upstairs, stuck her head in the nursery, and HOWLED
[zombie apocalypse]
Me: *fending off my group from trying to kill me* again guys, I’m not a zombie, this is just what I look like without make up
Coworker: Pass your random drug test?
Me: With flying colors!
CW: Really?
Me. So many colors!
CW: You’re high right now aren’t you?
My walk of shame is putting back the 9 boxes of assorted cereals that my wife found in the grocery cart.
If you watch the Mighty Ducks backwards it’s about a hockey team that starts sucking so bad that the coach leaves and becomes an alcoholic.
Get your hero name by doing something brave and seeing what the newspapers call you.
I’m Local Man.
Yesterday our friend couldn’t make it tho the bar so instead of canceling they sent one of their other friends, which none of us have ever met, to replace them. You can do that? We are allowed to send in substitutes???
“There will be blood” is my favourite movie about hoping you get your period after the condom broke.
I should do laundry naked so all my clothes could be clean at the same time.
doctor: i’m sorry but you only have a few more years left to live
me: oh my god. you’re lying
doctor *shows me a chart of global warming* i am not
This was a bad idea all around
Interviewer: Where do you want to be in 5 years?
Me: Oh, it doesn’t matter. You will have fired me well before then.
I’ve been single for so long I can’t even spell relionchip now
[murder scene]
Snail detective 1-He left a decent trail
SD2- Let’s track him down
*10 hours later*
SD1-Damn that guy is fast
Me: He’s starting to stir!
Wife: Shhhh.
Me: OH MY GOD…
Wife: Be quiet.
Me: HE’S GOT A KNIFE!
Wife: I hate watching cooking shows with you.
Her: I’m a meteorologist and study weather
Me:
Her:
Me: you study whether what?
Wife: “Did you know that some idiot paid $96,000 for Princess Leia’s gold bikini?”
Me: [nervously tightening my robe] “Who would do that?”
A ponytail so tight I look 5 years younger and everyone thinks I’ve been smiling all day.
Food is love and love is terrifying so my chili might kill you.
Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.
In case anyone was wondering if I’m this bad in real life too
I went to the paint store to get thinner, it didn’t work.