I’m at my most financial consultant when I tell the McDonald’s employee what my change back should be.
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[being buttered]
Me: are you sure about this
Murderer: [stops buttering] you know what I brought the wrong knife
Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection.
Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way.
Mechanic [looking the other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection.
Sorry I commented “yikes” on that pic of your baby you posted on facebook.
We’ve all heard the peanut butter debate, but what about mayo? Smooth or Crunchy?
Son: Did you know Alligators can live 100 years?
Me: Must be why you’ll see them later.
My kids said I don’t scare them so I just threatened to replace their phones with a set of encyclopedias and now everyone is crying.
Remember back when we knew the 7- or 10-digit phone numbers for ALL our friends and family. Now the only phone number I know is 911.
Going down a rabbit hole if anyone wants anything
Hockey: because running on knives makes sense.
When you’re here for the treats.
[grocery store]
Meat department: 7 people will all try to help you at the same time, they are very excited about this
Rest of the store: reportedly one person works here but he has not been heard from since 1989. His name is Gary. If you see him, tell him his family misses him
My kid just told me I look so young from this angle. The angle being the back of my head.
ethics professor: ur failing my class
me: [slides over $20] how about now
Earth, 1980: please stop emitting so much carbon dioxide
People: lol nah
Earth, 2020: HEY REMEMBER WHEN I ASKED NICELY LOL
I know how to make her bite her lip, arch her back and curl her toes
Legos on the floor by her side of the bed
My husband annoyed me last night so I adjusted the toaster settings slightly this morning.
#MyExerciseRoutineInvolves carrying a grudge for 20 years
The kids I nanny asked why I wanted to see Incredibles 2 and I said because the first one came out when I was a kid
and they really asked ….
If it was in color
ME: We’re all out of beef
CHEF: In that case, I need you to grill the chicken
ME [rolling sleeves up] you think that little shit knows something?
life coach: be the best version of yourself
me: I am
life coach: hahaha wait are you serious
I have a PhD
Pretty
Huge
Drinkingproblem
Mom: Where are you?
Me: Mumbai
Mom: Don’t you hang up on me!
Roses are red, my real name is Dave. This poem makes no sense, microwave.
My 3yo is heckling me about what YouTube search results appear when I type in her dictated search terms. I never anticipated this parenting moment.
This 4th of July, please remember…
What if ISIS started claiming responsibility for nice things like when my mom says, “who emptied the dishwasher?!”
bank account: $1400
me to a girl scout: give me the thick mints
If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately
To the person who left the green Tupperware in the fridge, it was last seen moving down the hall towards the elevator.