go ahead and make fun of me for listing my religion as “burrito” but no one’s ever waged war in the name of chipotle
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Not sure if my toddler goes to daycare or a disease-of-the-month club
ME: *3D prints a girlfriend* Hey baby
3D Girlfriend: *3D prints a boyfriend* I have a boyfriend
My sons preschool class had to make a collage depicting family traditions. When asked about his family tradition my kid told his teachers it was “watching tv”
For a goddamn liar he really dropped the ball on this one.
I just want to be rich enough one day to name my kid after an Australian mammal or something found in my spice rack.
I asked Alexa to play the Encanto soundtrack and I swear I heard her sigh
This man is very sweet with me. I’m calling the police
Are you on a Wanted Poster, because you are sketchy as hell…
Before pulled pork, pork just used to stand on the edge of the dance-floor, nodding to the music and looking cool.
if your cat keeps trying to make noise but nothing is coming out, check and make sure they didn’t get stuck on mewt
Cop: And how would you describe the assailant?
Me: I guess I’d start with hair, eye, and skin color. Probably height and weight next…
Buying a life insurance policy is best way to pretend that you have a life.
Surprise parties for Lindsey Lohan probably have that “Intervention-y” feeling at first.
centaur: *falls down* I broke my arm
doctor: it’s okay I can fix it
centaur: agh I broke my leg too
doctor: *cocks rifle*
*eats an entire box of cereal in one sitting*
Wtf there’s no prize in this?
“Sir, we don’t sell cereal. This is Petsmart.”
They call Japan the “Land of the Rising Sun”. Is that why they look like they’re squinting all the time?
I’ve developed a program that checks my Facebook each day and automatically sends “Happy Birthday” posts. I run it on a cloud service that’s so cheap that I’ve loaded it with enough credit for it to run autonomously for ten years. I’m worried it’ll keep going after I die.
Me: I didn’t get the job.
Wife: Why not?
M: Something about my eyesight.
W: What EXACTLY did they say?
M: That I needed ‘adult supervision’.
Priest: Do you take this woman to be your wife?
Me: “I do”
Priest: Ok can you say it again without using finger quotes while you do it
parents: a large old man with white hair is going to break into the house while you’re sleeping and give you toys
kids: oh worddddd
HR wants to have a little chat about my electric fence.
Hey little kid throwing a tantrum at the store cuz your mom won’t buy you that “sugary” cereal, I buy my kids that sugary cereal.
me: *screams*
my husband: goddammit
Grocery store bagger: need help out to your car?
me: *gets in the cart* yes.
I invented a gun that fires strawberries, but it keeps getting jammed.
thank god the sign was there
thesaurus for sale, brand new, current, modern, original, unused, untapped, fresh, pristine, untouched, mint condition, spotless, untried…
*answering phone* Mom you know instead of calling me you can just text, it’s easier.
*gets text from Mom* It’s your mother. Call me.
When a cop gives you a ticket for speeding he won’t be impressed when you tell him “I do this all the time.”
I know this now.
kale is so versatile, it can literally fit into any trash can
If I was a witch I would cast vague and subtle spells. So and so never gets to see a rainbow again. That type of stuff.