Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The wife says our marriage is boring so I replaced the air freshner in the bathroom with an air horn

*movie voice*in a world of untold despair one woman will alter fate by staring at a wall

coworker: you alright?
me: my lunch isn’t agreeing with me.
my lunch: global warming is a myth

lmfao

Therapist: Let’s go back to the start.

Me: OK, so my parents met in university…

T: No I mean the start of your problems.

M: Oh ok, so the universe expanded from an initial state of extremely high density and high temperature…

The speed to which a toddler yells “no” in response to the question “are you ready for bed” is directly proportional to how tired they actually are.

“Hello this is your captain speaking. I have fallen out of the plane yikes lol. Very impressed with the range on this Bluetooth headset tho”

this one time I saw a vegas hypnotist who told the audience he was going to turn me into a sad, depressed loser who makes dumb jokes on a dying website for zero money & I was like give it ur best shot, Mezmo the Great

until my aim improves I’m just a puncturist

5 ants rented an apartment with 5 other ants.

Now they are tenants together.

My career as a karate instructor was tragically curtailed when parents found out I was wholly unqualified & just enjoyed kicking children.

My favorite part of Twisters was the throughline about the storm chasers being altruistic, ditching science to help people, like for instance telling them to go the opposite direction of the tornado, or find shelter, or “get down.” Where would these Oklahomans be without them

I’ve already broken all my resolutions and like 4 commandments.

Date: So what do you do?

Me: I’m a script editor.

Me: Are you any good?

Me: No.

If we could harness the fake enthusiasm put towards wishing people a happy birthday on Facebook, we could power half the planet.

I just apologized profusely to a spider as I was killing it. The spider is also Canadian so it said “oh yeah no for sure, it’s ok.”

The best way to stay safe on the road is to drive like something other cars want to avoid.

escape room concept (advanced): it’s Christmas and your family is asking why you’re still single

Today I worked from home, ran 10 miles, homeschooled my kids, cleaned the house, made a delicious dinner, and got my kids to bed early. It’s amazing what you can accomplish when you lie.

I found an old set of stationary I ordered when I was 10 … will be using it for all future business correspondence

After the “incident” at the family cabin, my Indian name is Bounces Off Deck.

My husband brought home an all vegetable pizza for dinner so that I could “kickstart” a diet. To be honest, he would have been better off bringing home a girlfriend.

ME: Ok, I’m sorry I played my banjo during the wedding ceremony.

WIFE: It was OUR wedding ceremony.

Aquarius: This week you’re feeling crafty. How many household items can you turn into a shank?

Trying to keep the riff raff away.

When another writer is telling you about their latest script deal.

[interviewing cave bat]
me: any disadvantages to hanging upside down?
Bat: [pee rolling down his face] Yes, one.

Immediately pulled out of any TV show if there’s a bookcase in the background. “Why do they have two copies of Twilight Eclipse!?” I yell at my wife as she Googles divorce lawyers…

Why isn’t there an egg flavored Gatorade you cowards?

HER: how was your day?

ME: you know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?

HER: it was that bad??

ME: oh no, it’s just a cool scene…my day was decent