Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Given their destructive force to homes, kids’ birthday parties should get names like hurricanes do. Birthday Party Hugo.

4 y/o: What’s your job?
Me: I stay at home, take care of you, clean, cook the food…
4: That sounds boring. Do you want me to fire you?

Rich people in movies apparently can’t drink scotch without telling everyone how old it is.

what sorcery is this? How does my VLC player know its christmas ????

My doctor asked me how many drinks I have each week. Who keeps track of that? I said I was an alcoholic, not a mathematician.

[Blind date]
Girl: I’ve always had a bit of a thing for bad boys
Dog: [starts putting on his coat] I don’t think this is gonna work out

There are 7 air fresheners and only 1 soap dispenser in my office bathroom. Make of that what you will

I triple waxed for this?

“I didn’t choose the thug life…” I mutter as I trim the crust off of my PB & J sandwich

Me: Guys, we have to leave for the store in an hour
Guys, we have to leave for the store in 15 min
Guys, we have to leave for the store in 5 min
Guys, we have to leave

9yo: WHY?!? Where are we going?!?

Once again not all heroes wear capes

Norwegian chickens be like Bgårk

[talking to zoo attendant as I slowly take out a $50 bill]
“No”
What?
“You can’t sit in the Kangaroos pouch”
*places $50 back in my pocket*

Me to my sister who just gave birth & is recovering from a c-section: “ok so it didn’t really begin to spin out of control until AP published a story saying he did NOT have sex with a couch”

My niece is pregnant and the fetus already has business cards as a freelance media consultant.

Doc I keep throwing up

Did u eat anything odd lately

No

What about that bottle youre holding labelled “lizard juice”

You said eat, idiot

Her: You’ll never guess what I did today.

Me: You’re right. *gets up, leaves the room*

*sets up booth, hangs up sign “$5 Mustache Rides!” *nobody shows up.

I knew I shouldn’t have named the damn pony ‘mustache’

Are we sure the wise men who brought frankincense and myrrh weren’t just trying to sign Mary up for their essential oils pyramid scheme?

Doctor: are you sexually active?

Me: I usually stay pretty still.

ME: Is it true you can smell diseases?
MY DOG: Yes
ME: Well do I have any?
MY DOG: Yes, you’re insane
ME: Wow you can smell that?
MY DOG: No

Me: was I born with a mental disorder?
Mom: did you iron a shirt while wearing it again
Me: NO
Mom: ?
Me: I thought pants would be different

“What’s your favourite Pixar film?”
“Up, yours?”
“No need to be like that I was only asking”

Dating tip: Before you think he’s attractive—stop, breathe, and take a moment to think… is he attractive, or is he just a bowl of lasagna?

Sometimes I get shivers in my spine just thinking about how much tougher Popeye would’ve been if he’d eaten fresh spinach instead of canned.

Short story

“wya?” my limit bro. i’m at my limit

This EpiPen doesn’t write for shit. I’m not sure why this guy that handed me it needs it. He’s just flailing around grabbing his neck.

Looks like someone’s been slipping steroids into Garfield’s lasagna again.

Google just alerted me to light traffic in my area which is odd because I’m in the bathtub.