Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Happiness is a warm puppy.
The opposite of happiness is a warm public toilet seat.

I’m convinced a lot of people here are communicating from prison.

my mom used to feed me soap as a reward for saying bad words

I am a tiny man: when my son was born, the doctor handed me to him

me at 18: im gonna move to new york and go on so many dates

me at 26: if i put my phone in a ziploc bag i can go on twitter in the shower

I enjoy a glass of wine each night for its health benefits.

The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves…

If James Bond is so great why doesn’t he have a Pringles flavor.

Just when the world was convinced Canadians were normal, we published a recipe for ketchup cake on our ketchup bottles.

I hope people think my toddler has a slight English accent bc we’re so cultured and not bc she’s basically been raised by Peppa Pig

[paying at chipotle]

ME: i got a burrito

CLERK: that’ll be ten dollars

ME: with guac

CLERK: that’ll be ten thousand dollars

Stranger asks you what time it is = kinda annoying

Stranger asks you what year it is = pretty concerning

Stranger asks you what century it is = extremely exciting

I took my wife to an orchard and we stood there staring at trees for more than an hour…

Apparently this was NOT the apple watch she was expecting for her birthday

I slip the nun 30 bucks and real quiet-like ask to see the “strong orphans.”

Children are the future. Cuz in the present, they’re hella annoying

*steps out of the time machine* Me: what year is this?

Wife: Stop playing with the washing machine.

it’s important to know at least one guy who you find really annoying but who is also very similar to you. it keeps you humble and aware

I think we can all agree if the ancient Egyptians had twitter there would be no pyramids.

That very depressing moment when you find out the fire alarm that went off at work was just a test

I may not know much about a lot of things, but this fact I’m sure of:
A smoke detector battery will never go dead during the day.

Saturday

Emergency Vet: your cat seems fine

Me: she thinks I don’t feed her enough

Dammit, stop summoning me to fight global warming! I’ll believe it when the remaining 3% of scientists believe it! -Republican Capt. Planet

I was at the zoo and I did a monkey call to impress my kids and a monkey talked back to me so I did the call again and it did a call, back and forth, just hootin and howling to each other until I made eye contact and it was just another dad also trying to impress his kids

Had a job interview at a mirror store today and I gotta say I could really see myself working there

watching hockey for the first time and man do all these guys have different ideas about what should be happening to that black dot.

Just saw New England clam chowder, a soup that I thoroughly enjoy, described as “hot fish yogurt” and now I’m upset

Just watched a guy in a shirt that read “Jedi I am” trip on a curb and fall.

Jedi you are not sir

At what ages do your kids who are 10 years apart stop fighting with each other? Because it’s not 19 & 9 😒