Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hear me out: a switch blade but instead of sharp metal a meatball sandwich pivots out

I never got in trouble when I was young. Guess I’m making up for that now.

[Reporting live on scene]

Weatherman: how much rain are you seeing?

Me: Christ Gary, all of it.

Skinny people are easier to get blown around by storms. These 4 donuts are for my safety.

Hermit crabs fact: They can be got rid of with a special shampoo but hermits are often too reclusive to visit the pharmacy.

It’s ok to laugh during sex…just don’t point.

I’ll never understand the appeal of TV shows about food. To me that’s like listening to the Victoria Secret Fashion Show on the radio.

BREAKING: California becomes first state to ban plastic bags.

People who love picking up dog shit with their bare hands rejoice.

[robbing Whole Foods]

“All the cash in a bag NOW!”

100% organic reusable bag ok?

“Yes!”

[puts half the cash] I had to charge for the bag

Me: They say this virus is dangerous for older people

My grandfather: It’s a Grampademic

Me:

My grandfather: The Grampacalypse

Me:

My grandfather: Grandmageddon

The doctor said working puzzles would keep Grandma’s mind sharp. She’s been in the corn maze going on four days, so that remains to be seen.

You can tell how much a woman hates her husband by how short she cuts her hair.

Not sure how to cuddle propawly

📹 absolute_kaos1 | IG

The lights begin to flicker
The hair stands up on your neck
A chill comes over the room

Me to the ghost: STOP TOUCHING THE THERMOSTAT

Whales accidentally eat 8 people in their sleep every year

I think my favorite sammich is ice cream

I was raised by a single mother who worked 60 hours a week. Today I was too lazy to eat a mango.

i wish all

whales

a very

big

Boxing is like a dance, a dance where you punch your dance partner until he doesn’t want to dance anymore.

6yr old: *places dolls near me and lays a piece of paper down in front of each of us*

“We’re putting on The Little Mermaid with Ariel, Eric, Ursula, Sebastian And Flounder. Turn over your paper to find out your role.”

Me: *turns paper over, it says “a rock”*

I like to win arguments by backing over the other person with my car

guy: [stands up at front of plane]
me: “please don’t be overbooked”
guy: [pulls gun] “this plane is now under my control”
me: “oh thank god”

Sometimes I accidentally hit “z” instead of “.” and end up sending texts like “see you laterz” like I’m a cool teen from 2003.

DM from account I don’t follow: “Hi”

Click on account

Follows – 7
Followers – 0
Tweets – 0
Retweets – 0
AVI – Pretty girl

Me: Okay, I can work with this.

[Interrogation]

Cop: this guy looks like a cop if you ask me

*intercom* you need to be on this side of the mirror, Carl

Call your dad now and ask him what the wifi password is so he has time to find the little paper it’s written on before Thanksgiving.

the quokka and the viscacha look like they’re on opposite ends of the happiness spectrum

friend: have u seen garfield as spiderman?

me: omg not yet is there a tail hole in his suit??

friend: it’s andrew garf-

me: *nodding, sitting back down* andrew garfield

Dracula: I vant to suck your blood!

Me, a waiter: Is Pepsi okay?

Dracula: *sighing* I guess.

My kid sneezes and if you aren’t quick enough with “bless you” he says, “don’t worry I’m okay” in the most condescending tone ever uttered by a 2 year old