I’m at my most Liam Neeson when my food is missing from the employee fridge.
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Awww it’s cute how your baby pulls my hair. Like she doesn’t realise I will pull hers right back.
[wine class]
Swirl your wine. Inhale its aroma. What do you smell?
ME: wine
Can you smell its buttery oaky notes?
ME: nope, still wine
I miss when flirting was just wearing a candy necklace around my neck and asking if he wanted a bite
Mom said angels are watching over me I’m just afraid they’re taking notes to make sure I go to hell.
As a white person, I have a primal fear of getting lost in the snow.
Mom watching Parasite: Turn it up, I can’t hear what they’re saying
Brother: They’re speaking Korean!
Mom: Shhh
How to dress when you are a woman over forty:
1. Be a woman over forty
2. Put your clothes on
My rum-raisin cake is gluten free. It’s also raisin free. And cake free. OK it’s just rum.
Wife: I told you to dress our daughter in her purple shirt.
Me: I did.
Wife: That’s mauve.
I hate it when she makes up words.
I hate it when people don’t behave the way I thought they would when I rehearsed the conversation in my head.
All I’m saying is pulling a lion out of your hat is actually much more impressive than pulling a rabbit out of your hat.
Well, I’ve put it off long enough. I guess I should check on those wraith-like noises coming from the attic. I’ll be right back.
Giving birth?
Passing a gallstone?
Monica Seles tennis match?Possible scenarios from sounds emitted from chic on elliptical next to me
Nice try, resealable potato chip bags.
[me as a cop]
Me: Mrs Hill?
Woman: yes
Me: it’s Ms Hill now
Woman: huh
Me: ur husbands dead
Woman: h-how?
Me [hand on her shoulder]: he died
My boss: “Sean, what do you know about Twitter?” Me: “nothing. Why? What have you heard?”
I don’t always say ‘oops’, but when I do, it’s usually ten minutes after I have a brilliant idea.
Kills Two mosquitoes with spray.
*writes DEADLY ASSASSIN in bio*
interviewer: what are your strengths?
me: I know where you live
Where can I buy a purebred chupacabra on short notice?
It is not stealing if you walk into a place and do not know where you are or what is happening and just take whatever food you can carry because it is the only thing that makes sense in that moment.
I am a bear.
[at park, walking puppy]
Stranger: ‘Aww such a cutie…how old?’
Me: *blushing* ‘Thank you. 49.’
Her: Feed me!
Me: To what?
Mommy’s little speed bumps 😬
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me: I need to see the doctor
receptionist: ok, name?
me: I can’t remember but he has gray hair
Recipe: After adding oil to skillet, sweat onions.
My cooking anxiety: I got this!
No no, I’m not going to pay for these hot wings, I discovered them and you JUST GOT COLUMBUSED
Welcome to your 50’s… you can now fall asleep sitting up on the couch at any given moment.
When people dig up a grave in the movies it’s always so fast. It usually takes me days.
yes lassie?
“bark”
Timmy’s in the well and you pissed in my slippers and you told me about Timmy first so I wouldn’t get mad
“bark”
smart