Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sometimes I think my dog wishes he had a middle finger.

FRIEND: I’m tired of being poor. I’m gonna turn to a life of crime

ME: Dude I’m so in. We should steal fine art, or jewelry, or-

THE HAMBURGLAR: Guys, hear me out

I dunno why but this feels like a trap

I smiled and waved at my neighbour so I bet the first thing she’ll do today is buy bedroom curtains.

My husband and I take turns unloading the dishwasher, but I usually rerun it or pretend it’s his turn. He does the same, so basically, the dishwasher hasn’t been unloaded in three years.

Tried to console my ex after losing her bf and all I could muster was, “there’s plenty more married men out there.”

Optimus Regular will save us in 3-5 days and he’s a lot cheaper, i’m fine with that

Nothing’s labeled clearly, I was promised tea & never got any, the criminal justice system is barbaric.

~ Alice’s Yelp review of Wonderland

Long story short, I accidentally left the cat in the refrigerator.

formal request for my funeral to be half open casket, with only my legs showing

I had eaten two bowls of Meow Mix before realizing I haven’t been getting much sleep lately.

Interviewer: please explain this gap in your resume
Me: I was trying to optimise my 8 dollars worth for the month.

everyone: IT WAS COLD OUT THIS MORNING BUT NOW ITS WARM! WHATEVER SHALL WE DO?

me: finally *slowly unzipping my khakis at the knee so they become shorts* now is my time to shine

Someone praising you is also someone being judgmental. The difference is that you like the verdict this time.

[at Waldo’s trial]

Judge: Jury, how do you find the defendant?

Jury: We the jury find the defendant by looking in the top left of the page

When people see ghosts, why aren’t they naked? Do clothes die and become ghosts too?

Me: *quits life and moves into a pillow fort*

Them: You need to live in the present.

Me: *covers fort in wrapping paper*

Mick Jagger: Hey Keith, come hold my new baby.

Keith holding baby, whispers to it: I’m going to out live you too.

Swarming gnats, but instead of annoying you, they provide compliments. “You look pretty.” “Dinner was delicious.” “Way to handle that difficult coworker, Chris. We hate her.”

My entire life can be summed up by those anxious and awkward breaths; the ones where you wonder if the hiccups are really gone or not.

If you enjoy Vampire Weekend thank your Vampire Union

SUPERHERO: I alienate my loved ones to protect them from danger

ME: Me too, that’s also my reason

Woman: it’s legal to breastfeed my son in public
Cop: not while he’s driving

Raggedy Andy knew he was becoming a man when he noticed yarn where there wasn’t yarn before.

Me (young, foolish): refrigerator may I have a few ice cubes?

Refrigerator (old, wise): one or one-thousand, there is no few

The world is your Oyster.

So raw, rubbery and resembling a booger?

I have literally never asked anyone where was the library in Spanish. What other lies did I learn in school?

My dog: I need to go out
Me: it’s raining
Dog: out NOW
M: Okay but it’s raining
Dog: *walks outside* oh shit, it’s raining

Shampoo bottles are more dramatic than little brothers. Like I barely touched you! Why did you fall down!?