I’m at my most math when I solve a problem while creating three new ones.
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“sorry sorry sorry reallysorry reallysorry sorry” – remorse code
COP: Quick, stun him!
ME: *performs perfect somersault*
Wicked Witch of the West: I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little dog, too!
me: *acting coy & twirling my hair* you think I’m pretty?
[first day as a fireman]
So you’re telling me my arms will not be shooting fire?
HIPSTER COP: I pulled you over because of the volume
ME: *turns down stereo* Sorry
HC: Not that. What products do you use in your hair?
People on here admitted to not having an inner monologue and I thought that was wild because I have an entire executive board in my head with members that have voting powers
“I like to think I’m a pretty laid-back person”
*starts driving*
“LOOK AT THIS IDIOT!!! WHAT IS HE DOING?!? JUST GO, MATE!!!”
Joker: You’re endangering a minor
Batman: He’s my partner
Joker: Why’s he in his underwear?
Batman: So we match. Look, this isn’t about me.
My sister forgot the words for “national anthem” and just suggested we learn the “Canadian Theme Song.”
*gets left on read*
my brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itme: “it was fun while it lasted”
When someone asks me a question that I can tell is gonna turn a rude corner, I like to trap them with my Keep Going facial expression. Eyebrows lifted, face tilted, slight smile. And then I wait, ready with a pleasant Yikes.
A friend wants us to do something tonight and I asked her to name 5 things so I could say no to 4 of them.
The whole internet loves Milkshake Duck, a lovely duck that drinks milkshakes! *5 seconds later* We regret to inform you the duck is racist
life coach: be the best version of yourself
me: I am
life coach: hahaha wait are you serious
Me: I’m so excited! I just planted my first Azalea.
Iggy: Help! Let me out of here!
Me: Hush! Flowers don’t talk silly.
picture a potato but sexy
lol i just tricked u into thinking of me naked
Can’t, going through the work email I just wrote with a fine tooth comb to eliminate all traces of sarcasm, opinionation, and existential despair.
Her: Can you babysit?
Me: Uh, what do I do?
H: Play games & stuff.
M: Like drinking games?
H: He’s 2.
M:
H:
M: So like no hard liquor or…?
Does anybody want a cat? Free to a good or average home
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
For a mountain to be called Kilimanjaro, it needs to kill at least 1 manjaro.
Hear me out. What if we don’t elect another president, and we all just promise to be really good?
According to the CDC, the leading cause of death in 2016 was having a career in the 80’s that brought you any level of fame
i think if you need to murder someone you should do it at the beach because like you’re gonna have to shower after anyway.
I used to be in a band called The Hinges. We usually opened for The Doors.
I plan the silliest murders in my dreams because all I have to do to get away with it is wake up.
Can you die from sitting on the floor to play with your kid, because I just tried to get up and it feels like you can die from it.
“YOU’RE DEAD TO ME”
Me on my first day as a mortician
Better than the last 5 star wars movies. 😂😂