I’m at my most math when I solve a problem while creating three new ones.
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Me (sniffling, blubbering): and then he told me to give him my lunch money
Manager: Is this true
Waiter: I just gave him the check
I post ONE gym selfie and everyone’s like “What’s he doing?” and “Where are the weights?” and “Is that a dozen donuts?”
I have never seen a construction crane being put in place. They just show up.
manipulative people really be like oh so now i’m the bad guy for being the bad guy
(three days later, in the shower)
STORMTROOPER: *slaps forehead* omg those WERE the droids I was looking for
I love to watch the look of panic on my husband’s face when I pull a pair of panties out of my drawer and say, “um, these aren’t mine.”
It’s the anniversary of Tetris. We should have a block party.
i’m gonna allow it
[Animal Shelter]
Me: “I’m here to pick up a rescue dog.”
Her: “And what kind of dog did you have in mind?”
Me: “Well, mostly I’ll be needing him to drag me passed out drunk from buildings I’ve set on fire with lit cigarettes. So… a strong one. Oh & ideally he knows CPR.”
“I wondered if I could use a study room that’s private and out of the line of sight where nobody can see or hear what I’m doing in there.”
“Well, since you put it that way, absolutely not.”
Gym: After a year of being closed, we’re open now!
Me: Nope. Uh uh. No takesy backsies.
Kid: Mom, the demon in my closet wants pizza or else it will kill us all
Me: The demon in your closet got pizza money?
All microwaveable popcorn packages should be accompanied by dental floss
Kids get to wear their Halloween costumes to school today which is why my youngest is dressed as “ninja who missed the bus for the 3rd day in a row.”
I just ran 4.1 Kms and realized you can write anything you want after that and no one will read it purple monkey dishwasher.
I spend an awful lot of time picking the most desirable potato chips out of the bag for someone who’s going to eat them all anyway.
DAD: All I want you to do is get some water. This is the simplest task I can possibly imagine. Promise me you won’t bungle this.
JACK AND JILL: We’re on it.
I’m going to start calling it “Auto Carrot” just so it can see how it feels.
My brother might be 38, but he just figured out he can control my television with his phone, and he is absolutely using that power to bug the shit out of me.
About to check Facebook? Let me save you some time. One of your friends has updated their cover photo to a picture of the beach.
INTERVIEWER: u put “whiskey” as a reference?
ME: ope i thought it said preference
ME: haha when your mask is down it looks like a chinstrap beard
HER: what mask
ME: oh
Shout out to the guy behind me flashing red & blue lights.
Monday
date: what do u do
me: well u know big bird
date: omg. u play him
me: no *places a crossbow on the table* i hunt him
your honor, what are you doing after this. the dating apps aren’t working for me
I wonder who the sorting hat will choose as the new Pope.
Guys: when you’re shaving, do the Hitler part first. You don’t want to get interrupted and then be running around with just the Hitler part.
Twas the night before Christmas, all through the house not a creature was stirring not even my vodka martini because it’s shaken not stirred