I’m at my most math when I solve a problem while creating three new ones.
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If you are farther than me in candy crush I will automatically think you are smarter than me.
Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.
When I was a young boy my father took me into the city to see a marching band…
[8000 words later]
In a medium bowl, mix together butter, white sugar, and brown sugar. Beat in eggs one at a time, then stir in vanilla. Preheat the oven to 375 degrees. Grease cookie sheet,
Wife: Do you love me just because my father left me a fortune?
Husband: Not at all honey, I would love you no matter who left you the money.
attention murderers, please do not murder me for the next 1 hour and 40 minutes as i am once again watching How To Train Your Dragon
– grabs leash
– grabs phone
– takes dog out for walk
– pulls out phone
– checks Twitter
– walks dog to South America
*Quietly opens a bag of chips during a job interview
does anyone want to marry me before this website dies, feels like my best shot x
If I had a time machine, I would go back to the day we first let my daughter watch SpongeBob SquarePants and just destroy our TV
It’s nothing serious, we’re not dating or anything, we just sometimes get brunch together, were just Friends with Benedict.
*Removes smoke detector battery
**Cooks in silence
My 6-year-old broke his brother’s favorite toy. He asked me what to say to him. Sensing a teachable moment, I looked him in the eye, told him to go to his brother & say, “Mama has something to tell you.”
I get now why they call it being a cougar bc to get my recommended daily protein I gotta take down an elk
Me: oh wow, do I detect just a hint a peppermint?
Cellmate: *stabbing me in the neck with a Candy Cane shiv* what is wrong with you?!
dog: *snickers*
priest: *sighs*
Seeing all this inclusion on TV and movies now is making me feel like I grew up in the 1800s…when only my knees did
When somebody unfollows me, I want to go on a shopping spree and walk into their house while holding bags and say, “Big mistake. Big. Huge!”
Them: What’d you scrape your chin on?
Me: A chiseled jawline with a 5-o’clock shadow.
“My middle name is War-and-Peace.”
“What?”
“It’s a long story.”
I’m no political expert, but as far as I can tell the Republican strategy seems to be:
“oh you think BUSH was terrible?”
It’s 11:48 PM. You can’t sleep. Underneath your bed, there’s a creepy rustle, as the clown tries to quietly unwrap and eat a granola bar.
when someone bumps into you, immediately say (loudly) “oh no my hot bod!”
HER: You can’t even go 5 minutes without making a Star Trek reference.
ME: Yes I Khan.
[walking into Sephora]
me: I love how it smells in here! If I ever find a man who smells like this, I’m going to lock him in the basement forever.
my husband: I’m right here you know
I loved Saint Patrick’s day in Boston it was like if everyone got a concussion during the purge. One year I lost my keys in a pub and a guy gave me one of his keys to make me feel better
My dog burst through the screen door yesterday so I’m dressing her up as the Kool-Aid man for Halloween.
I used to think Urethra was the name of a heavy metal band, until I found out it was actually a brand of vacuum cleaner.
It’s getting disrespectful how long it takes for me to scroll to my birth year
My mom was concerned about my drinking so I told her I was done drinking for good. She let out a sigh of relief until I told her I was now drinking for evil.
Age 10: I want to be a baseball player
Age 20: I want to be a writer
Age 30: I want to be happy
Now: I want to disappear in a corn maze