I’m at my most math when I solve a problem while creating three new ones.
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Air Force now asking the public to help them find their camouflage uniforms.
Roses are red
Duracell is gold
Took your vibrator’s batteries
for my remote control
Why do people named Deborah go by “Deb” and never “bruh”
next time you hear The Boys Are Back In Town think of me, the unsung hero, who chases the boys out of town with a broom
This is why you don’t eat at everybody house
I like to write “made you look” on folded pieces of paper and place them under car windshield wipers in parking lots.
My wife’s yoga class is really relaxing…
‘Cuz she’s usually gone for at least two hours.
If I could go back in time and choose you again, I wouldn’t.
Am I the only one who just buys a new printer when the ink is gone? Also, does anyone want to make a sweet printer fort?
hello, this is your hindsight talking, that is a very bad idea, don’t do that
My age reversal cream is working. It gave me zits.
ENTER PASSWORD
> bench85
PASSWORD TOO WEAK. TRY AGAIN.
> bench285
BRO!
Carrots are a great thing to eat
when you’re hungry and
want to stay that way.#CarrotDay
Steve : I’m going to call it the Steveharmonic orchestra.
*Phil creeps up from behind with baseball bat*
The second half of your life begins when you stop wanting to get even and start wanting to get odd
Hubs: *under breath* No, no, please noooo…
Me: *about to say “he’s right here” and hand him the phone*
There should be a place that rents baby goats out by the hour to come over and maintain your lawn
My cousin Tay Tay vaped once at a party and she went on to steal hundreds of dollars in clothing from various stores we don’t know if it’s related but you can never be too careful
I feel so stupid — I just today learned that Stephen King and Burger King are brothers.
When you can’t find your friend Neil
I’ve got a joke about Sean Connery’s brother’s attractive daughter. It’s pretty niche.
I have patio furniture in the friend zone.
I always go the extra mile,
which is why my friends don’t let me drive
doctor: I may have to amputate your feet if we can’t stop the infection
me: are there any steps I can take
doctor: not after I’m done
we’re gonna need another temp
Doctor: we saved your dad but he’s part owl now
Son: Dad it’s me
Dad: *head turned 180°* who
Son: very funny
Doctor: yeah he has amnesia too
Someone just followed me and their bio said they were born in the year 2000 and I was like, “OKAY YEAH SURE, so you’re 3?” and then I realized that the year 2000 was 19 years ago and I am an old person.
did you know you can cancel plans by simply saying “sorry. can’t. i have an avocado that’s ripe.” total legal. even if it’s not true.
*everytime I introduce dad*
this is the man who’s not proud of me
No one ever prepares you for the moment you find out the song you really like is Justin Bieber.