Installing a new drainage system, so right now there’s an open trench surrounding our house.
But I am absolutely no longer allowed to call it a moat and my order for crocodiles to fill it has been cancelled.
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I’m my own worst enemy. And the enemy of my enemy is my friend. So I’m also my best friend
Apparently it was wrong of me to tell the aunt who said that I’ve gotten ‘big’ since 2019 that she’s also gotten ‘bigger’ since I saw her in 2019.
if i’m bleeding out in an alley & you approach me w/an app that would save me, but i’d have to login using facebook, i’d be fine w/just dyin
I knew a guy used to trophy hunt corn. Had a necklace of ears.
You’ve been promoted to customer
#FireSomeonePolitely
Make sure your blind date from the internet has a big car. Nothing worse than a trunk with no leg room.
DETECTIVE: what do you think killed these two birds?
ME: [picking up the only stone near their bodies] idk maybe the bird flu.
My role in family now primarily consists of walking around the home shouting, “ONLY ONE PAPER TOWEL!” anytime anyone approaches the roll.
Go see American Sniper. Or go to your buddy’s house and watch him play Call of Duty for two hours
Ovulating in your forties is like a going out of business sale.
I saw a sign that said “Watch for children”
I thought to myself “That sounds like a fair trade”
Me: Sorry can’t come over, I’m snowed in
MIL: But it’s the middle of summer
Me: snowed in
MIL: and hot
Me: snowed in
MIL: it sum…
Me: SNOW
It’s important to remember where you parked the get away vehicle.
I’m just a girl, standing at the refrigerator, flipping a Kraft single over and over looking for where the wrapper starts.
What kind of losers are sitting home and tweeting on a Friday night?!?!
Oh, wait…never mind.
If she says “I have a question but don’t lie”, just know that she already has eight photos, three witnesses, a voice message and eighty six screenshots.
So I go to McDonalds & I’m ordering my food & the car behind starts honking their horn bc I’m taking to long to order. So I go to the 1st window and paid for my food & theirs too. Then I got to the 2nd window to get my food and took theirs too.
Years ago, scientists knew barely anything about space! It was probably because those scientists were babies
“I love ribs! What are ribs, anyway? Are they like cow, or like people…or?”
-my 6yo daughter, that’s apparently not disturbed by cannibalism
Don’t ask too many questions here. Curiosity kills the chat.
I just leave my autocorrects so people will think I’m really passionate about ducks.
[slipping waiter a five dollar bill]
can you make sure my green beans and mac n cheese don’t touch on the plate
By 33, you’d think I’d have figured out at some point along the way where to put my arms when I sleep.
*a very, very real phone conversation i heard my mother-in-law have*
yeah? what’s up? huh? what? he ran over a dog? huh? is he in the hospital? why’s he riding a motorcycle? yeah. no, we’re eating dinner. no, i didn’t know norman fell was in ocean’s 11
Me: The best thing about the day after a birthday is having cake for breakfast.
Kids: YAY! CAKE FOR BREAKFAST!
Me: I didn’t mean for you.
Upset that roe vs wade has nothing to do with how you navigate a lake.
Just been to see Benny from maintenance in hospital. He was putting up one of those boards that tell you have many days since the last accident and it fell on him.
“What are you doing tonight?”
Gonna smoke some Herb.
“Nice.”
-guys who work in a crematorium
I was in a serious relationship once. We never even smiled.
Son, I found some drugs in your backpack
“Dad I swear they’re not mine”
DAMMIT SUSAN, THEY ARENT HIS. 1st time we were proud and you blew it