“Oh you just put lotion on?
You’re not going anywhere.”
– Doorknob
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I love when you stroke my ego.
My ego is inside my panties.
Scientists are attempting to clone Ice Age Cave Lions because running into a raccoon when I take out the trash isn’t scary enough.
Han: *approaches Endor in a shuttle*
Imperial officer: What’s the password?
Han: It’s “password.”
Vader: We should really change that.
Me, off my meds, pitching a cartoon movie: OK, so, you know how most toasters are cowards?
*wakes up before alarm goes off*
please be 5am please be 5am
*checks time*
2:34pm, februrary 25, 2054. NOOOOOOOOO
a house doesn’t have to be haunted to scare me, I’ve seen the listing prices.
I want to live in a clean house but the whole living in it is really getting in the way.
If you call me Dear, I automatically grandpa zone you.
Dear Mr. Horsefly:
Today you angrily, and aggressively, began to attack me without mercy or remorse as I tried to enjoy a refreshing beverage outside.
Just know, the reason I quickly ran into my home was not because of you, but because I had to turn off the oven.
Baby wood ducks hurl themselves 60’ from nests in tree cavities a day after they hatch but sure son, I can bring your laundry downstairs
HER: What’s your cell plan?
ME: Bodily decay over decades until inevitable mortal collapse. You?
HER: …
ME: …
HER: … V-Verizon.
me: i let my cat drink the bathtub water while i was in it
priest: once again kind of weird but not a sin
I read a list earlier today of toxic things one should avoid
Anyway, thought of you
When I have to go back to work again, I’ll have to leave messages ranting about my job on my answering machine at least 6 times a day because the cats have grown accustomed to it
Doctor: I want you to take it easy on your joints from now on.
Me: ok
(later at home)
Me, talking to my blunt: I’m sorry I called you fat.
My gf asked me if I’d continue to love her even after marriage and i said yes.
Then..she got married.
Jeez, try to cash in the “one free back rub” coupon your high school girlfriend gave you on your 15th birthday and her husband gets all apoplectic.
There was no expiration date, Carl.
Catapult: an ancient military device for hurling large objects
Dogapult: an ancient military device for hurling large objects, fetching them, bringing them back, and hurling them again
Does the steam hitting me in the face when opening the dishwasher door before it’s drying cycle ends count as a spa day.
Cause I think it does.
Right now Netflix is trying to figure out how 6 million people watched birdbox this weekend with only 22 active accounts
Cat: if my calculations are correct, a meteor will destroy the Earth in 324 days…
[What I hear]
Cat: meow..
Me: awe, who wants a snuggle?
If someone is jogging at 7am on a Sunday – it’s because they’ve just killed someone right?
[finishing dinner]
her: should we stay for dessert, or you want to back to my place for that 😉
me: *scanning the menu* do you have chocolate souffle at your place?
her: no, but-
me: let’s stay
When someone tells me that no parenting technique works for every child, I remind them of the 7 Cs: Connection, Compassion, Communication, Chocolate, sCreen time, and Covering your ear holes with Cotton balls.
Forgot your password?
Hint: your cat’s name~ a crazy cat lady’s worst nightmare
i’m lonely just not “inventor of the boomerang” lonely
Not to barg, but I majored in illiteracy.
What happens when you retweet a compliment about how humble you are?