You fools! Whether or not
Die Hard is a Christmas movie doesnβt really matter. The tradition of arguing over it is what counts. ππ π»π
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I’m not sure how much longer I can live in the city. The seagulls, the flies, the rats. They’re all so expensive here.
Baller is short for ballerina
Daughter just wandered in after being put to bed and I hid the ice cream I was eating like it was a joint.
assistant: sir, profits have decreased by 50%
shrink ray company CEO: excellent
Life is like a box of chocolates. People repeating the same movie quotes over and over until words have no meaning peanut tambourine ocelot
God: You’re beautiful. Aren’t you?
Peacock: Yes. Thanks for creating me.
God: *Starts giggling*
Peacock: What’s so funny, god? Why are you laughing?
God: you’re called peacock. *Bursts into laugh*
Peacock: WHAT THE FFUU..
God: And you cant speak.
[Incoherent bird noise]
Me after doing 3 pushups: Am I swole yet? I feel swole.
17: Please stop.
My grocery store keeps rearranging the produce section. If I need to work this hard to find bananas, there better be a damn tropical breeze!
if somone acidentaly walks in while ur in the bathroom, do not react at all. this avoids embarasment & makes them wonder if they are a ghost
When I’m trying to walk around in my house: Tripping over shoes nonstop because kids leave them everywhere
When I’m trying to get kids out of the house: No shoes to be found, a barren shoeless desert, a tumbleweed rolls by
Cashier at the liquor store wished me βHappy Holidaysβ…
As if Iβm not going to be back three more times before Christmas.
“Our guests often come for a week but stay for months.”
– The cruise industry, putting a positive spin on Covid-19.
Who were the kings of disco?
A) Gees
B) Gees
C) Gees
D) Gees
Anteater Kid: What’s for dinner?
Anteater Mom: Don’t be a smart ass, Brandon.
My mom making me come say hi to somebody I βknewβ as a baby
Mario: YAHOO!! *throws banana peel at another cart, eats a mushroom*
Me: This. This is why I donβt take you grocery shopping.
no my tattoos do not have any meaning i am simply a child putting permanent stickers all over myself<3 stop asking pls
Just told my driving instructor to put his seat belt ON for his safety. I’m definitely going to get the license this time.
Hate when Walmart doesn’t have what I need & I have to go home, change out of my pajamas & brush my hair so I can go to Target
Flight attendant: Attention everyone. Kenny G is on board he’s agreed to play …
Me: *jumps out of airplane*
A good way to get people to stop showing you baby pictures is after each one say, βCan I keep this?β
Every time someone with a clown avi follows me I add another night light.
Teamwork is essential, it allows you to blame someone else.
IT: You deleted the OS?
Me: I think so.
IT: It didn’t warn you?
Me: Yeah, but it only kinda warned me. What’s with the inquisition bro?
You sound unhinged. Let’s go get mugshots.
OTHER KIDS IN RESTAURANT: Restlessly coloring on a placemat waiting for food.
MY KIDS: Have already flipped over a booth & set it on fire.
Ever notice how pathetically lonely you are when the person in the next bathroom stall completely ignores your knock knock joke?
My wife doesn’t believe that auto correct changed “Yes dear” to “Hell no I’m not picking your mother up from the airport at 1am.”
My 5 year old just hugged me and said, “Thank you for promising to sleep in my bed with me tonight, Mommy” and that’s why you don’t answer any questions before coffee in the morning
*Cracks knuckles*
“Time to solve an international conflict with the worst takes you’ve ever seen in your life”