I’m at my most Ninja Turtle when I remove a manhole cover & jump into the sewers to avoid making eye contact with someone I know in public.
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*T-Rex stubs his toe*
OUCH I’M SO MAD. JUST… MAD. I’M…“Angry? Agitated? Irritated? Anno-”
SHUT UP THESAURUS NO ONE ASKED YOU.
You can love someone with all your heart and still frequently daydream about hitting them with a shovel ok
I don’t want to stand, Apple Watch. You stand.
I know you’re not supposed to question doctors, but it’s weird how my dentist keeps insisting on checking my prostate.
of course they’re your soulmate you only know 15 people
I love hard, but I stupid harder.
Not everyone thinks Cleopatra is beautiful…
But that’s how Julius Caesar.
I’m white, but not like “has a golden retriever named Chance” white.
Girl: I only date guys who can ice skate and make puns.
Me: *sighs and reluctantly starts putting on skates* “Figures.”
You, dumb: Can I ask you a question?
Me, brilliant linguist: That’s literally the only type of thing you can ask
My husband is playing Super Mario Bros with our sons and one of them is having a MAJOR tantrum. Sadly, it’s my husband.
Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and saw the hundreds of pictures you’ve taken of them sleeping..
I’m returning this head of lettuce. It tastes awful.
“Sir, that’s a loofah.”
Oh. I’m returning this loofah. Someone took a bite out of it.
Vegans think they will live longer than us, but they don’t realize they are 100 times more likely to be murdered mid conversation.
If you can’t think of a word say “I forget the English word for it”. That way people will think you’re bilingual instead of an idiot.
Human Resources just came up with a cool new term for just about everything I like to do at work. They call it “inappropriate”
The best part about Facebook is never having to wonder what your acquaintance’s baby is doing all day everyday day.
Son: Can you make a deposit into my prison commissary account?
Me: Stop calling your school lunch account the prison commissary.
TRUMP: Hillary won’t stand up to America’s enemies. I will.
*Gets into fights with Miss Universe, Gold Star family, and a baby*
Trainer: Did you know that you burn approx 80 calories per hour while sleeping?
Me: Really? [curls up on weight bench] Wake me up in 2025.
Arrest that man!
*Someone sends me a 4 minute video*
me: [42 seconds later] wow that’s so awesome thanks for sharing!
[blind date]
HER: I’m a big dog person
ME {trying to impress her}: My middle name is Clifford
Told my daughter that whoever takes the longest nap gets to choose what’s for dinner.
And now we wait.
“Nine Foods You Should Never Eat Again”
Also known as the contents of my refrigerator.
Everyone is posting pictures of their Christmas tree on Instagram and I’m like oh shit I forgot to delete Instagram.
“Sugar we’re going down swinging” used to be a cool song. Now it’s what happens when I bend over, braless, to pick up a floor doughnut.
The best baby age is when they say “baby” when they see another baby as though they themselves are not in fact also a baby.
What’s that, turkey?
GOBBLE GOBBLE
Timmy fell in a well?
GOBBLE GOBBLE
[breaks turkey’s neck]
no time for your riddles, in the oven you go
Me: *ordering “Boyfriend jeans” online* OMG I can’t wait for them to get here, I wonder what kind of boyfriend they come with!