Old people that say tattoos are a waste of money: You have entire cabinets dedicated to plates that no one is allowed to use.
I’m at my most Ninja Turtle when I remove a manhole cover & jump into the sewers to avoid making eye contact with someone I know in public.
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Baby Soldier: Ma’am. Your husband is MIA.
Soldiers wife: *covers crying face with hands*
Baby Soldier: Oh great! Now his wife is MIA too.
Bought the ‘Sounds of the Rainforest’ cd, not as relaxing as I hoped. The 1st half was birds chirping, rest was chainsaws and bulldozers
I love my job at Amazon. At first I thought that wearing a catheter to work to avoid bathroom breaks was unreasonable, but after several sessions of deep hypnosis with the company therapist I’ve come to realize that the catheter is just a part of my body—a body of the future.
I shall play you the song of my people
I don’t care what anyone says, I still think Malaria is a beautiful name for a little girl
Me: my dad left to get cigarettes 20 years ago
My dad: [opening door] I was doing side quests
When mom returned from the store, her son had found a box of animal crackers. He spread the animal-shaped crackers all over the kitchen counter. “What are you doing?” his mom asked. “The box says you can’t eat them if the seal is broken,” the boy says. “I’m looking for the seal.”
ALCOHOL. Because no one looks back on their life and remembers the nights they got plenty of sleep.
THE INVENTOR OF HAND SANITIZER: who’s the paranoid one now huh, WHO’S THE PARANOID ONE NOW