I’m at my most Ninja Turtle when I remove a manhole cover & jump into the sewers to avoid making eye contact with someone I know in public.
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Pro Tip: If you are under the age of 35, don’t get married. If you are over 35, don’t get married. If you are 35, don’t get married.
Kids today don’t know how easy they have it. When I was younger I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the tv channel.
My 6-year-old, describing the ant he saw today
Fighting on twitter be like 🤣
[crime scene]
•detective flips open pocket watch•
Hmmm…precisely what I thought
“What’s that sir”
•closes watch•
It’s lunch time
“We’ve got company.” Unwelcome news in a car chase. Scarcely better on your front porch.
If I was a Jedi my most common use of the force would probably be rebooting the router.
Friend: Our backstories shape us, but don’t define us
Me: Like Spanx
My book group read “Ventriloquism for Dummies” this month. We met in the living room, but it sounded like we were in the kitchen.
Son: What’s for dinner?
Me: Cake.
Son: Yay! I want cake!
Me: What are the magic words?
Son: I LOVE YOU MORE THAN I LOVE MOM.
Me: Here ya go.
How to avoid interaction with coworkers in 4 steps?
1. Take a group selfie
2. Crop everyone out except you
3. Post it on FB
4. Tag all of em
I’ve never seen the movie Snakes On A Plane. What’s it about?
“Welcome to lazy club. My name i-*doors get kicked in*
“THIS IS A ROBBERY! NOBODY MOVE!”
[voice from the back] “Nobody was going to.”
Don’t open your heart to me. I’ll just put peanut butter in there.
Woke up with no money. I was robbed last night by a guy who looks exactly like me, but drunker.
cutie flirting w/ me: “Excuse me, how much does a polar bear weigh?” 😉
me, trying to be helpful: “An average male polar bear weighs up to 1,500lbs!”
cutie: “…’enough to break the ice’?”
me: “Haha I hope not, but climate change is having disastrous effects on their habitat!”
Sign in the elevator: Please keep 6-foot distance.
Width of elevator: 5 feet.
Walmart was so crowded today that they had 2 cashiers working.
I just read an article about a man swept out to sea during a baptism. I guess that’s God’s Way of saying “Nope”.
Therapist: What brings you here today?
Me: I’m a middle child.
Therapist: I see, classi..
Me: In between two sets of twins.
Therapist: *on intercom* Sheila clear my week.
I didn’t know my apartment shared a wall with the elevator shaft until someone got off in my bedroom.
Me: Why is Amazon showing me this?
Amazon: It’s 15% off.
Me: Well, in that case…
bathroom attendant: *gives me soap and paper towels*
me: thanks
bathroom attendant: *gestures at basket with dollar bills*
me: oh right *takes $3* thanks!
debt collector: your bill is outstanding
duck: thank you
so disappointed after seeing this photo & realizing that’s a third llama in the back & not the arm of the right llama ringing a little bell
opening twitter today
when all of your friends are at a bar that doesn’t allow you inside because one time you brought a sword in there
The woman who sits next to me at work just told someone she’s surrounded by idiots. I feel bad for her.
If my wife calls me passive-aggressive one more time I swear to God I’m going to run the dishwasher half-empty again
You know that pain which starts at your hip, runs down your leg, out the front door,and goes across the street to the bus stop… I’ve that.