I’m at my most Ninja Turtle when I remove a manhole cover & jump into the sewers to avoid making eye contact with someone I know in public.
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They say being a hostage is difficult – but I could do that with my hands tied behind my back.
Every store gives away free stuff you just have to play the game by out running the security guard
I asked him about his weekend, but apparently what happens in vagueness, stays in vagueness.
ferris wheel technician: i think i see the problem.
me: oh good what is it.
ferris wheel technician: you put the wheel on sideways.
me: haha whoops.
What if all your muscles can taste but your tongue is the only one you usually put food on
In my defense, they never told me I couldn’t tattoo their baby when I got the babysitter job.
My kids are giving all the people on this plane a hard lesson in birth control right now.
Hmm, not sure about this change
The U.S is #18 in mathematics worldwide. At least we’re in the top ten.
Let’s normalize throwing bouquets at funerals to see whose next.
I’m just a mom on winter break, standing in front of my kids’ school asking, “HOW BIG OF A CHECK DO I NEED TO WRITE FOR YOU TO RE-OPEN?”
I use algebra every day for work. I was promised in high school that this would never happen.
I’m sorry this birthday cake suffered a severe accident where my hand fell into it and a chunk of it filled my mouth.
Still can’t quite believe the World Health Organisation framed Roger Rabbit
Why did the terrorist buy himself a new Porsche?
He was going through a midlife ISIS!!
“The last thing I want to do is hurt you. First I want to date you & get to know you.”
“I think I stepped in some upchuck”
What’s up, Chuck?
“Not much, but my name’s not Chuck”
*vomits*
I’m pretty sure my kids see a freshly vacuumed floor as a challenge.
Interviewer: It says on your resume “attention to detail”
Me: Uh huh.
Interviewer: And right below that it says “attention to detail”
My 5 stages of grief:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5. Are you gonna eat that?
I don’t want to say that my fiancé is controlling.. it’s more that she’s BEAUTIFUL GUYS I HAVE TO GO
*Walking with wife listening to Dust In The Wind*
Me: This is our song.
*A dude walks by listening to it*
Me: That’s OUR song! GIVE IT BACK!
I’m Scottish and Irish, so when I asked my grandparents for stories they’d just tell me about various family feuds.
Lady paid me $50 to paint the name “Inspiration” on her boat because “that’s what she is”
Considering writing “The Sea Word” instead.
People who talk to themselves are more intelligent then those who don’t, or at least that’s what I like to tell myself.
I hope someone asks me what’s in my pocket because it’s the bra I just took off and a cheeseburger.
I understand that t-shirt guns exist but what about shooting pants at people? This seems useful too
I’d take Cap’n Crunch more seriously if his eyebrows weren’t on his hat.
Screw you haters who are honking at me as I tweet, paint my nails, and drive. You’re just jealous that I can multitask.
We are taking care of my friend’s dog for the rest of the month.
She’s been with us about 45 minutes so far. My boyfriend has said “I love you” three times already.
It took at least six months of dating before we said that to each other.
