Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Legit call from the school:

Principal: I just wanted to touch base with you. Your daughter was baiting seagulls into the playground with gummy worms and actually caught one; Like in her arms. It did bite her—not hard, but I needed to inform you that we filed an incident report

Don’t tell me miracles don’t happen, I opened the dryer door and there was nothing inside!

MARRIAGE TIP: When your wife forgets to set the timer and incinerates dinner, DO NOT whistle “If I Only Had a Brain” from the Wizard of Oz.

God: done?
Noah: yea
G: whats this
Noah proudly: a swing set
G: u built a park. I asked for an ark
N: a what?
G: a boat
N: say boat then

Mr. Miyagi: It’s simple Daniel san, wax on, wax off

Daniel: Yeah, but your back hair, bro?

[coming through customs]
Okay Sir 1 last thing before we’re done. Is there anything you’d like to declare?
*slams passport*
“I’ve had sex.”

Your life flashes before your eyes right before you die. It takes an average of 70-80 years.

You big beautiful cup of coffee.
Come here and tell me lies of how much I will tolerate my coworkers and how much I’ll get accomplished today.

-Whoa! Have you seen that big herd of bees outside?
-Not *herd* of bees.
-You’ve not heard of bees? They’re flying things with stings.
-I know, but it’s swarm!
-*sweating* I know, it’s boiling! But I’m not opening the window til that herd of bees has gone.

[soldier making lunch]
Now for some avocado [grabs grenade] oh oh, if this is here then that means [cut to soldier taking cover for 5 hours]

[Job interview]

Employer: please explain the gap on your resume

Me: what…they were hiring

me: righty tighty lefty loosey

frankenstein: stop

Pretty rude of us to assume his name was Jaws

I just had my first pole dancing class. Anyone know how to show this new skill without coming across as a complete whore? No?

Whore it is.

Banker: You’re sure you want a reverse mortgage & get how it works?
Me(imagines bank making huge unaffordable payments to me for years): Yes

911: Could you hide in the closet?

Me: yes oh God no, there’s no room!

911: Under the bed?

Me: I can’t fit!!

Son: Coming ready or not

Me: shit

911: shit

Cake!!

Cop: Is that a turtle?
Me: …
Cop: Painted blue?
Me: …
Cop: With nails glued on?
Me: …
Cop: Mario Kart’s not real
Me: YOURE NOT REAL

There is literally no limit to how many Kevins you can be friends with.

My cat has taught me that an 80:20 ratio of sleep to physical activity is really the way to go

GPS: We have arrived at the bank.

Me: Okay, great.

GPS: There are no cops within eight minutes of the bank.

Me: …What?

GPS: It takes three minutes to write a note and get to the front of the line.

Me: I’m not going to rob —

GPS: *Sigh* Fine. We never do anything fun

trainer: Why are you here?
everyone else: To get fit!
me [with a mouthful of gummy bears] Mmfff

I do not delete bad tweets that get no stars… I let them sit there and think about what they’ve done…

I’m surprised more killers haven’t lured their victims into their houses by blind folding them and promises of being on a febreze commercial

My boss has a rather shrill phone voice. I once spent 20m talking to him, before realizing it was actually someone trying to send us a fax.

Mechanic: the front shocks are shot. Did you hit a pothole?

Me: yes but I winced, patted the dash & said I was sorry so it can’t be that.

(Just overheard in the dentist waiting room)

Kid: Mrs Davies taught us about negotiataners

Mum: You mean negotiations?

Kid: *considers* Let’s agree on negotiatans

Sir. Your burrito is $5.97. With guacamole, your total comes to $386,932.32

It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the even worster of times, it was the most worster-est ever of times.

If you think it hurts to lose a boyfriend/girlfriend, you’ve clearly never lost close to 500 GB’s worth of data on your hard drive.