I’m at my most ninja when the motion sensor sink don’t work.
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They should change the name from all you can eat pancake breakfast to 4 or 5 pancakes at most
Still boggled by the people I know who are going out to bars saying “we can defeat this if we’re not afraid” and I’m like “this isn’t Pennywise it’s a PANDEMIC”
I’m sorry I said, “I bet she’s got a great personality,” when you showed me a picture of your baby.
Her: I’m just a vintage soul
Me: and a vintage face..That’s how the fight started
Thanks, I wrote the tweet. There’s no need to reiterate it back to me with quotation marks.
4: Mommy hear me count to 10,000
Me:
Janay Rice says the elevator attack was all part of God’s plan. God must not like her very much.
This burrito reminds me of the time I accidentally opened the wrong can of food when I was drunk.
Dog food…I accidentally ate dog food.
My neighbor upstairs bought a new treadmill and I accidentally just shot five holes in my ceiling.
*Hears sound in the middle of the night*
Mildly afraid – it’s an intruder.
Absolutely terrified – it’s going to wake my toddler.
There’s no “k” in team either. This is fun. What other letters aren’t in team?
If they cancel the Simpsons we will no longer be able to see into the future
Let’s join our hands together and pray for my husband who very tragically compared me to my mother.
Drive me up the wall, so I know you’re 4 wheel
*Packing for a trip*
Maybe I’ll bring my workout gear. I mean I haven’t worked out in 5 years but I might start on this trip.
If approached by a bear, you can play dead, or you can acknowledge the bear, say hello, and see what it needs. Have some decency
some bucket lists are like “visit Paris”, my bucket list is more “see a guy get smucked off the top of a truck by an overpass”
Her: *raises glass* to poor life choices
Me: I’d prefer if you said ‘happy anniversary’.
They say, “don’t hate the player, hate the game,” but I’ve got enough hate to do both.
if a woman tells me she just wants be friends I say ok but I get to be rachel
Hello 911? Yes my wife is forcing me to walk over to meet the neighbors.
My husband just got so tired of our argument he threw himself down the imaginary steps behind the couch.
Just told everybody in the bar to shut the hell up so my date could hear the full effect of my velcro wallet opening.
“Is this true love or just a kidnapping?” I yell from the trunk
“We have literally a zillion binders full of selfies.” – Top Secret NSA Memo
There is no bigger asshole than someone that takes an animal that can fly and puts it in a cage to stand on a stick.
The worst part of getting struck by lightning is everyone seeing your skeleton
Hear me out….
A pub crawl, but to bakeries.
90% of parenting, is saying different variations of “We don’t eat waffles with our feet”.
Yeah I like bananas. When they’re almost yellow but still have a tiny bit of green near the stem. So for about a bananosecond.