I’m at my most ninja when the motion sensor sink don’t work.
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we can put a man on the moon but we can’t make shower caps sound less like world war 3 is happening on my head
My phone just changed CrossFit to Croissant, this phone really knows me better than any human.
Just saw that my wife was googling ballroom dancing lessons and now I’m hoping that she’s having an affair.
Marriages are like pancakes. Sometimes you gotta throw the first one out
[trying to open a packet of hotdogs but I can’t because I refuse to slow down on my run]
Idea: Eels. Exactly the same storyline as Cats but they’re all eels.
A North Carolina school has removed its bathroom mirrors to stop kids from making TikToks. Ooh, you were so close, they actually do them with their phones.
Artist: I like to sketch women sitting on outdoor furniture.
Her: Draw me like one of your bench girls.
What did Harry Potter say when he was filling up his car?
Expensive Petroleum.
Thanks autocorrect. I wanted her to know that I shaved my duck.
I remember when spring break meant a week on Padre Island parting with my friends, and now it’s spent hoping my kids aren’t on Padre Island partying with their friends.
Me typing: univrsity
Autocorrect: Hey I caught a typo.
Me: Haha oops.
Autocorrect: You meant to say “U never city”
Me: Why would I say that?
Autocorrect: I fixed it and sent it to your dad.
DO YOU WANT ME TO RAP?
I WILL RAP!– how I threaten my kids
me: [breaks long awkward silence] “so what do you do for a living?”
taxi driver: [just looks at me]
Oh my God.
People who talk to themselves tend to be great lovers.
Did you know that?
Yes, I did know that.
Thank you for asking.
My wife thinks that I don’t care for her relatives.
I told her that’s not true. I love her mother-in-law more than I love mine.
This lady in Walgreens is staring at me like she’s never seen anyone put on deodorant and then put it back on the shelf.
Principal: Your son is a gamer
[Parents are visibly shaken]
Principal: Oops, wrong kid. Actually yours is on drugs.
Parents: OH THANK GOD
[Trapped on a Island]
*Message in a bottle*
“Please send help!”*Gets message back, months later*
“Linda invited you to play Candy Crush”
was in a meeting that ran over by about 20 minutes and the presenter was not even close to being finished
until a very exasperated nigerian colleague unmuted herself to announce loudly “i am very unhappy with you, barry”
Thank god attorneys let us know they’re attorneys “at law” so we don’t assume they’re attorneys at garlic bread or something.
Being an adult is like being a paper clip. Everyone knows you’re twisted, but you’re expected to hold a lot of things together.
You make me want to be a better home and garden.
General Anesthesia implies the existence of Major Anesthesia.
My neighbors, leaf blowing Larry and tile cutting Tim, are in the midst of a noise war, so I blasted “Let it Go” and won.
“Hey, smell this.”
-Me, about to chloroform my feral kids before bedtime.
*breaks into a McDonald’s at 2:00 am*
*fixes the ice cream machine*
Question of the day :
If the early bird gets the worm, why do good things come to those who wait?