Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I love how twitter uses little bluebirds to give the impression we are all sweet talkers. A couple of pterodactyls would be more realistic..

You’ve been kidnapped. Your kidnappers allow you to keep tweeting to pretend everything is alright. What would you tweet that would alarm your followers without the kidnappers knowing you’re asking for help?

“And then I put in the exact amount of garlic the recipe called for.”

My husband has reached an age where he reads the menu out loud. The whole menu.
And then he has questions.
Please send help.

I’m deleting some dumb tweets.
I need all your passwords please.

I’m proud to say my dog was a rescue.

He was behind this terrible fence.

In my neighbor’s yard.

I saw a lady at work today doing “breathing exercises” and realized for the first time how lucky I was that breathing came naturally to me.

back in the 80’s, we simply didn’t have the dog technology we do today

A dating app for people who suck at flirting called Fumble

33, Male, Jerusalem. You?

“Was he better than me?”
“Joe, don’t.”
“I have a right to know!”
“No, he wasn’t better than you.”
[god appears]
“Mary, what the hell?”

Billy Joel song- A Matter of Trust
windy day song- A Matter of Gust
affair song- A Matter of Lust
push-up bra song- A Matter of Bust
Swiffer song- A Matter of Dust
rocket launch song- A Matter of Thrust
junkyard song- A Matter of Rust
deep dish pizza song- A Matter of Crust

me: ugh I’m so fat
him: babe no, it’s all in your head
me: oh great, I don’t even know any head exercises

The facial recognition on my iPhone recognizes me in sunglasses but not when I’m smiling

I told someone my name and they said, “That’s unusual. You don’t hear that every day.”

Actually, I do.

I’m “made an ashtray in art even though my parents don’t smoke because that was the assignment” years old.

My son is sitting next to me here playing some kinda shooting game and complaining about people using aimbots.
As someone who’s cleaned his bathroom I wish he’d use them too.

Friend: Have you ever had an epiphany?

Me: Is it a little chocolate candy?

Friend: No.

Me: Then, no.

My teenage son Filbert was ejected from the Young Republicans for naming his pet lizard Bernie Salamanders. You bet your buns he’s grounded.

Do ghosts call their girlfriends “boo”? Bet all that gets pretty confusing.

Liar is such a harsh term, I prefer Politician

i imagine the people who slaved for years perfecting the google search algorithm would be so mad knowing i mainly use it now for spellcheck

My jeans aren’t too small, they’re my compression pants.

Rhythmic banging against the wall, his hands grasping the sheets. Unable to get what he needs, he gets out of bed to turn off the Roomba.

Love is that feeling you get when you meet someone that makes you forget about all of your problems cuz they’re causing all new problems.

The three genders

ME: I got pizza sauce on my mouse. I need a new one.
IT DEPARTMENT: You should just be able to wipe it off.
ME: Too late, I ate it.

I farted alone in a room and then my girlfriend’s dad came in. Now I have to pretend like something is dead in the walls and help him look.

Writing a horror book called “Chores you didn’t know existed and were supposed to be doing all along“

*comes home from poker night earlier than usual looks at wife while picking up the dog and leaves without saying anything*

I just found out my husband doesn’t pronounce the j in pendulum