I’m at my most potato when I’m twice-baked
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“Cantaloupe? Or WON’Taloupe?” *SPLAT* Next week on MELON JUSTICE!
*looks at phone to check the time
*watches TikTok videos for 4 hours
“I set all the cattle free.”
– Reverse Cowgirl
[courtroom]
JUDGE: “In the case of the State vs Waldo, Jury- how do you find the defendant?”
LEAD JUROR: “…we uh…haven’t yet”
Son: Mom, why are you always showing up at my school on chicken nugget day?
Me: *literally salivating* Here to see you, buddy.
6: I want to grow my hair longer.
Me: Oka—
6: So I can bite it.
Me:
Lose wallet.
Panic.
Ask everyone if they’ve seen it.
Tear your car and house apart.
Drive all over the city retracing your steps.
Give up.
Cancel credit and debit cards.
Find your wallet under a piece of paper on the nightstand.
Blame the dog
I wanna see a video where professional dancers break out into nursing.
[First Date]
Her: Your Tinder profile says you’re a great listener
Me: Really. Ugh. That’s a typo. It should say I’m a “great listener.”
ME: What do you recommend? It’s our anniversary
WAITRESS AT WAFFLE HOUSE: You should try a waffle
Finally got the mustache thick enough where other mustache guys are giving me the mustache-comradery nod. Absolutely crushed it at Home Depot today. Neck sore from nodding.
mom: you’re grounded for today
me: i can’t wait until i’m an adult and no one can do that to me
[10 years later]
amazon: your package will arrive between 8am and 6pm
Next time I open up to somebody it will be an autopsy.
Of course you can trust me with your secret.
*Calls local news team
I will never give another woman my heart until I see how she acts when a bee flies at her.
Jehovah’s Witnesses door-to-door success rate would be a lot higher if they partnered up with the Girl Scouts & started selling cookies …
“I’m in love with the shape of ewe.”
-Ed, shearing
British people be like “gotta bring the car to the mechanic for a chune-up”
No Teflon coated pan has ever been a match for my husband and his love of stirring with sharp utensils.
“Excellent choice, sir. And what temperature would you like me to microwave your steak to?” – The Honest Applebees Server
humans can accomplish so much, unless it’s parking at a shopping center during the holidays
I hope the woman who forgot the word “iced” and so asked me for a caramel macchiato “on the rocks” yesterday is doing well
Our mailman freaked out when he accidentally saw me naked.
So did all the other people at the post office.
9: Where’s mom?
Me: Out the back
9: Australia?
M: Out THE back, not the Outback!
9: What’s she doing?
M: Playing with her didgeridoo, I think
Today I threw away an empty Amazon box that’s been sitting on the floor for two weeks, so that means tomorrow I’ll have a need for that box.
Bi women make the best comedians because we can never keep a straight face.
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Eight maids a-milking
Seven swans a-swimming
Six geese a-laying
Five onion rings
Four calling birds
Three french hens
Two turtle doves, and
A partridge in a pear tree….Dwayne Johnson: Yup, that’s today’s meal prep done!
The trick when dealing with customer service on the phone is to appear busier than you are. Ask the representative to hang on for just a second and turn away from the phone and say: “Mertle, cut Arthur a severance check please.”
hardest line in real life
The Rock is always beating people up in movies & yet no one has thought to throw a ream of paper at him