I’m at my most potato when I’m twice-baked
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Just before a Subway employee starts making my sandwich, I’ll stop them and whisper, “Like you mean it.”
Sext: ‘Ride me harder, baby. Harder’
Me: ‘I’M ALREADY TYPING IN ALL CAPS, WHAT MORE DO YOU WANT FROM ME?’
I don’t have a gf, but I do know a woman who in the car often asks where this is going so I show her the GPS & she gets mad for some reason.
Dear bill collectors, if you want me to answer the phone, instead of “no caller ID” try something like “free shoes”
One thing I’m really good at is turning $1500 into $4.72
The kids won’t stop running around so I stuck swiffer wet jet sheets to their socks so at least the floor is getting clean while I sip my tea.
I just met my daughter’s friend’s mom for the first time and she introduced herself by saying, “Hi, I’m Olivia’s mom, you’ve probably heard me yelling in the background of their Zoom calls.”
*throws phone over courthouse metal detector. catches phone on the other side. resumes conversation*
*flags down police car* how many mpg does this thing get?
“I have to eat every 7 minutes or I get cranky.”
“Ma’am, that’s not a valid reason to be excused from jury duty.”
Me: My daughters are fighting non stop this summer.
Parent with sons: My boys tore off our garage door yesterday and painted 1/5 of our house orange.
I don’t get the big deal with falling in love. I fell in love with a steak-Umm sandwich like 3 hours ago.
CHIEF: say hi to ur new partner
ME: new partner? If it’s another duck–
*goose with a badge waddles in*
ME: okay but i’m driving this time
Wife: I’ve blisters on my hands from the broom.
Me: Take the car next time!
cars have windows and can move. houses have windows and can’t move. so it’s not the windows that make the car go, it’s something else entirely
my mom: you still coming over today?
me: definitely
mom: great I have a few things from IKEA for you to put tog—
me: i cant make it
It should’ve been a red flag when my ex told me that he got his futon mattress/bed out of a dumpster, but then I married him for 20 years.
My gynecologist sent me a refund check for $18.70. I don’t know what it’s for but I feel like I need to be offended.
“My wife and I decided we don’t want to have kids.”
“But…don’t you already have 2?”
“Yeah.”
I picked up a packet of party food (mini pies) in the supermarket and someone next to me said, “ooh, they look good!”
I had no idea what to say in reply so I panicked and said “thanks very much!”
Can’t shop there again.
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Yes.
Video games don’t encourage violence nearly as much as piñatas do
If a guy wants to call a woman ugly online a window should pop up where he has to upload pictures of all the women he’s slept with
in the office ordering extra garlic sauce with my lunch schwarma much like a skunk deterring predators
If a tarantula lived in a flower pot it would be a hairy potter
Ok 1st off, who exactly is “we” in “we have to go on a diet”, and more importantly, why is there salad on the plate where my food should be.
*Comments on Facebook picture*
“That headband your baby is wearing really accentuates her baldness.”
It is really hard to practice my angry face while eating a donut.
Me: You know what would be really handy? A small bobcat.
Friend: The animal or the bulldozer? Since it’s you talkin’, I have no idea.