I’m at my most potato when I’m twice-baked
You Might Also Like
My husband wants me to seek help with my substance abuse problem. I even caught him throwing away my latest Bath & Body Works coupons.
Whew Netflix is making a LOT of enemies. Kids away at school, kids who live with different parents depending on the day, grandparents who live elsewhere but have their own accounts, people who travel for work…like girl. All this and half your mess can’t get a season 2??? Be fr
He always wanted a woman that would devour him whole like a gas station roasted chicken.
She always wanted a gas station roasted chicken.
I know it’s fiction but the logic in The Walking Dead is so skewed it is impossible to suspend disbelief.
An Asian guy named Glenn?
Please
Duolingo getting serious.
I’ve never been #BackToTheFuture , but my mom always used to promise me she’d knock me into next week if I didn’t behave.
Don’t talk to me about hardship. You guys will never have to refold a road map.
*dresses like a kitty*
*climbs tree*
*waits for new fireman husband to come rescue me*
Packed Wakanda Forever audience cheering “ELAINE! ELAINE! ELAINE!” every time Julia Louis-Dreyfus shows up
life is a continuous learning experience, so i can spend all my time not paying attention and drawing cartoons on notepaper just like school
friend: [texting] i’m gonna be late
me: *1 week later* for what?
HER: *Points to my dish* I’ll have what he’s having
ME:*Blocks plate w/ my arms* This is mine
H: No, I mea-
M:*To waiter* Tell her it’s mine
Excessive use of commas is a serious
crime which may result in a long sentence.
Wife: “How did your first day as a lifeguard go?”
Me: “Amazingly well, thanks. Everyone was so friendly and waving at me.”
Good morning, Twitter x
My run for political office would be short but filled with food eating competitions.
me: I really can’t stay
him: but, baby it’s-
me: *tail lights*
2020: I’m so glad I stayed home. That coughing guy had COVID and made everyone sick.
2021: I hope that coughing guy doesn’t have COVID that will make me sick.
2022: I hope that coughing guy has COVID but the same variant that I had last month so he won’t make me sick.
My kid: I bet you had just black and white movies growing up
Me: excuse me, I am not that old
My kid: also did you have crayons or just greyons?
Life is a letter soup that has too many consonants and not enough vowels and all you can spell is borscht
2yo: daddy play with me!
Me: okay!!
2yo: *points* sit right here.
Me: okay.
2yo: NO DADDY DON’T SIT THERE!
Me: okay.
2yo: DON’T SAY OKAY!
Me: okayyyyyyy.
When 8 wakes up in the middle of the night and comes looking for me, he’ll curl up next to me and sweetly say “mom, I found you!”. It’s difficult to be upset with him for waking me up.
Difficult, not impossible
I want to do the #nakedchallenge to see my boyfriend’s reaction, I just need a tiktok account and a boyfriend
If couples who are in love are called love birds, then really, couples who always fight should be called angry birds!
My husband pissed me off so I poured a quart of oil under the hood of his truck. That should keep him busy.
Well, this certainly took a turn
I’ve just accidentally swallowed some scrabble tiles… My next shit could spell disaster!
I hate when ppl put group pics on tinder like how am I supposed to know which one’s Bret
