Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: How much for this aggressive bottle of water?
FIREFIGHTER: Sir that’s a hydrant

wife: do you need help in there?

me: Kristin please. i just need the pin number for the microwave

bought a box of 100 crickets from the pet store and released them back into the ocean were they belong

Me on the toilet: HEY I NEED SOME TOILET PAPER

6: *running around dressed like a mummy* we’re all out

Her: My dad’s sister does my taxes

Me: So she’s your accountAunt? Lol, hey, where are you going?

Hockey is a sport where people use feet knives to walk so they can score a goal with a tiny hamburger.

I suppose I should be thankful that I’m a single adult. Life would be much more complicated if I were multiple adults.

not for long

excuse me, are you gonna finish those fries

me, interrupting a couple fighting

I’m so excited to have the kids home from college until that first trip to the grocery store.

Me: Should we have macaroni salad or potato salad at the BBQ?

Husband: Can we talk about this when we’re not having sex?

Amazing how many stupid choices are made on smart phones.

Dog owners: this is my precious angel boy who I payed $3,000 for last November and I finally got to take him today he’s my everything and all
Cat owners: this is my trash gremlin she was stuck in the gutter across the street and I lured her out with shrimp on a string

Considering they were routinely burned alive, a coven is a pretty unfortunate name for a collection of witches.

Judge: “How do you plead?”
Me: [looks at lawyer]
Lawyer: [mouths “not guilty”]
Me: “Hot milky”

Everyone said I couldn’t do poetry because of my dyslexia…

But I’ve already made a vase, a kettle, and a jug. Showed em.

coming to theaters soon: Dawn of the Rise of the Dawn of the Planet of the Rise of the Rise of the Dawn of the Apes

My professor doesn’t believe in laser pointers so he uses a fishing pole with a foam finger attached and I can’t contain myself during lecture lmao

This may be racist but whenever I have a test in class I try to get a seat next to a dolphin because they are usually really smart.

Important news x ( everyone needs this on a Monday morning )

Average person has sex 89 times a year.
These next two days are going to be wild

chiropractor: so how’s your back been?

backstreet: alright

I never move faster than when I dive into bed, so my husband has to turn off all the lights and lock the front door.

6YO: Can I eat a cookie?

Me: Finish your dinner first

6YO: My stomach is full except for a circle shaped space

I’m trying to explain to my mother how to get pictures off her phone, while we’re on the phone, and everything is awful.

my son ordering a “well done” steak bc he thought it meant they would do a better job

I planted grizzly DNA under my fingernails so when I choke on doritos the medical examiners assume I was strangled by a bear but fought back

Wife: He’s always lying about his celebrity connections..
Therapist: Is this true?
Me: Just wait til Sonic The Hedgehog hears this bullshit.

PRIEST: *cry laughing

ME: I told you I was funny when I was drunk

MY FIANCÉ: Yeah…hi

.I’m a woman. Sometimes I want you to hold me while I sleep and sometimes I want you to shove my panties in my mouth. It’s complicated.