I’m at my most storybook heroine when I water the flowers at work.
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looking for someone who loves me as much as some people love standing up the second a plane lands.
Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.
pretending to have read books in a conversation: setting yourself up for embarrassment, corny, ontologically evil?
saying “oh yeah never read it but i’ve heard really good things”: yo who is this mysterious woman who hears things? her informational ecosystem seems lowkey robust?
Yoga Teacher: Set an intention in your heart
Me: I want to be sexy
Yoga Teacher: A kindness for the world
Me: Ok, I want everyone to be sexy
wife: why is the automatic soap dispenser in the kitch- *hazelnut creamer squirts into her hand*
if you comment “i am so turned on right now” to every political post, you can make it so no one wants to argue politics with you
Like a shark smelling blood in the water, my toddler can also smell when I am eating my secret stash of cookies.
Wife: Whatcha got there?
Me: Nothin’.
Wife: Why are there crumbs on your face?*holds out hands*
Me: I brought you a box of donut.
*vows*
Groom: I love you so much, & publicly, in front of all our friends, I want everyone to know, Die Hard is in fact, a Christmas Movie!
If you don’t pay your exorcist
You get repossessed
Who called it girl math and not galgebra?
KID: *falls out of tree* I’m fine
ADULT: *sleeps on neck a little strangely* I have to turn my whole body to look at you for the next week
be myself? the person who got me into this mess????
[first day as producer]
superstar rapper: THAT’S THE 87TH TIME YOU’VE STOPPED ME
me: *tapping swear jar with pencil*
<gets on elevator >
Pushes all the buttons
Hugs everyone
Prays out loud that we’re not going to die
Gets off at the 2nd floor
Laughs
isaac newtown got hit in the head & invented calculus. i broke my nose last night when I was drunk & invented a louder version of crying.
Annoying my husband while he watches Star Trek: “Why does everyone in the future wear upholstery fabrics?”
A naked man brushed his teeth next to me as I washed my hands. This is why I don’t go to the gym often.
most embarrassing email exchange I ever had:
– Sent an email
– They replied & called me “Mautice”
– I reply with a stink about how my name is properly spelled and that it’s actually really important to me
– They told me to check my 1st email
– I had misspelled my own name
It’s been a terrible year for burglars
Me: I’m heading to the grocery store. Any requests?
12-year-old: You know the stuff you usually buy?
Me: Yeah.
12: Don’t get any of it.
Social media is proof that even mental hospitals have WiFi.
whenever a man says he’s well endowed I always hope he means with a grant from the government for his new art project
If you were ever wondering what that last doughnut is doing while it listens to you eat its siblings…
I told y’all leave these retail workers alone with the TikTok pranks 😭
me [an australian]: man i could kill for a caramello koala right now
american friend: that’s not a real candy
me: or some yowie bungas
american: what
me: dropbear gobstoppers
american: no
me: cassowary chewies
american: please stop
me: sugar-coated funnel web spiders
My therapist told me “time heals all wounds”,
So I stabbed him. Now we wait…
Twitter is a giant book club, for perverts with no attention span.
[sees people filming a movie] yeah real original. a movie. like that’s never been done before
Me: it’s too expensive, I no longer enjoy it, I want to unsubscribe
Therapist: I’m afraid adulthood is permanent