Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I still remember the day I asked my mom “why did you have so many of us? (I have 4 brothers and 2 sisters)

Her response: there was nothing good on T.V.

Me: thanks for the invite but I’m really not much of a partier haha

Friend: it’s a search party for my missing wife

People keep asking if they can help me by watching my newborn. She doesn’t make me watch cocomelon, leave toys all over the floor, or scream that her brother is looking at the her. Take the older two.

“What fruit or vegetable extract have we not said was good for your hair yet?”

~Shampoo developers probably

Any car can be a dream car if you fall asleep while you’re driving.

Cheaper than online shopping and less horrible than online dating.

Twitter.

I’m on the steak diet. You just have four steaks for breakfast, four for lunch, then a sensible dinner of six steaks.

*at a restaurant, eating burgers*

Me: “I don’t take condiments well.”

Friend: “Don’t you mean compliments?”

Me: *already covered head-to-toe in ketchup*

[standing in front of Stonehenge]: is this all it does

You think you’re hardcore? Watch THIS!

*Drinks vodka straight from the potato*

I nominate Chris Brown to dump a bucket of boiling hot water on himself & to raise awareness for domestic violence.

Your kid is old enough to drive, lady, get him out of the shopping cart.

I had no idea we were still brushing our teeth.

Grandparents these days decide to be called things like Nana or Papa or Mimi but why stop there? I’m going to make my grandkids call me Bobcat.

wife: What can you make with rum?
me: A baby
wife
me: I’m not allowed to say things anymore am I?

SOCRATES: The only thing I know is that I know nothing.
ME: Aw, hey, don’t say that. You know things.
SOCRATES: No, I meant—
ME: If you want I can teach you some stuff.
SOCRATES:
ME:
SOCRATES:
ME: *Points* That’s a tree.

The important thing to remember is that nobody asked you.

Cat: HUMAN IS TIME 2 DO A NEGOTIATE
Me: ok
Cat: IF U LET CAT EAT JUST ONE PLASTIC CAT WILL PROTECT U FROM SPIDERS
Me: I’m sorry but you can’t eat plastic, it’s really bad for you
Cat: FINE. U AM CHOOSE WAR
Me:
Cat:
Me: where are you going
Cat: MAKE ALLIANCE WITH SPIDERS

I can still party like I’m 22.
Too bad I recover like I’m 82.

My dog can predict when an earthquake is going to happen. But television doorbell versus actual doorbell baffles him every time.

what’s some good heavy machinery to operate under the influence for a beginner

My daughter had a spider in her room but she lost it, and now she wants to move. I told her to stop being dramatic and she would probably just swallow it tonight so nbd

interviewer: we’ve decided to go with another candidate

me [slides can of spinach across table]: what about now?

interviewer: wrong popeyes

me [slides second can of spinach across table]: and now?

I asked my 5-year-old what she was on because she was having such a good time wiggling and being weird. She looked at me like she finally met the dumbest person in the world, “the couch.”

Sorry I forgot your birthday but I thought we’d stop being friends long before it got here.

Had that dream again where I was the Pied Piper…but I was playing the saxophone and all the moms in the neighborhood were following me around.

If a man put his empty deodorant under his wife’s pillow in the morning a new stick will appear on the bathroom counter.

If I say I love you, don’t read too much into it. I just told this cheesecake that I love it, too.

“Shotgun!” I yell as I push past the others and climb into the seat.

I am subsequently escorted from the airplane.