I’m at my most storybook heroine when I water the flowers at work.

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Priest: Do you take this woman do be your lawful wedded wife?
Yoda: Do I
Priest: That’s what I’m asking
Yoda: *long sigh*


[Lori Loughlin trial]

JUDGE: Does the defence have any witnesses?

LAWYER: We’d like to call Jesse Katsopolis

JUDGE: Isn’t he a fictional character?

LAWYER: Yes, your honor

JUDGE: Is he just gonna act hunky and say, “Have Mercy”?

LAWYER: Yes, your honor

JUDGE: I’ll allow it


My 6yo just stepped on a spider and thought she killed it, but it got up and scurried away. Her response? “Oh. My. God. It’s Spider Jesus.”


Started saying “see ya next year” to everyone. Seems to really creep people out when they have no idea who the hell you are


My gym is opening up again, so now I have to go back to not going because I’m lazy.


You say “tomato,” I say “tomato,” and there, we’ve written our own wedding vows


People on Twitter trying to one-up you in the comments like:

“Oh, someone close to you died? Well I’m in the process of saying my last wor-“


[solicitor reading my will]

“He [takes off glasses & pinches bridge of nose],

He wants to donate his arm to the drummer from Def Leppard”.


Cop: you’re under arrest. we found your blood at the crime scene

Me: how??


Me: better floss before drowning this guy


Who’d win if Batman fought Santa? Before u say Batman, just remember who’s watching you answer.