@AnniemuMary

I’m at my most storybook heroine when I water the flowers at work.

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@ItsAndyRyan

Priest: Do you take this woman do be your lawful wedded wife?
Yoda: Do I
Priest: That’s what I’m asking
Yoda: *long sigh*

@TheToddWilliams

[Lori Loughlin trial]

JUDGE: Does the defence have any witnesses?

LAWYER: We’d like to call Jesse Katsopolis

JUDGE: Isn’t he a fictional character?

LAWYER: Yes, your honor

JUDGE: Is he just gonna act hunky and say, “Have Mercy”?

LAWYER: Yes, your honor

JUDGE: I’ll allow it

@Manda_like_wine

My 6yo just stepped on a spider and thought she killed it, but it got up and scurried away. Her response? “Oh. My. God. It’s Spider Jesus.”

@CatsVsHumanity

Started saying “see ya next year” to everyone. Seems to really creep people out when they have no idea who the hell you are

@GingerHotDish

My gym is opening up again, so now I have to go back to not going because I’m lazy.

@meganamram

You say “tomato,” I say “tomato,” and there, we’ve written our own wedding vows

@kiiimdaaa

People on Twitter trying to one-up you in the comments like:

“Oh, someone close to you died? Well I’m in the process of saying my last wor-“

@Diversion50

[solicitor reading my will]

“He [takes off glasses & pinches bridge of nose],

He wants to donate his arm to the drummer from Def Leppard”.

@psybermonkey

Cop: you’re under arrest. we found your blood at the crime scene

Me: how??

[Earlier]

Me: better floss before drowning this guy

@JasonLastname

Who’d win if Batman fought Santa? Before u say Batman, just remember who’s watching you answer.