I’m at my most storybook heroine when I water the flowers at work.
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It breaks my heart to know that I live in a country where some of its citizens actually can’t believe that isn’t butter.
It’s such poor planning that “ninja” doesn’t have a least one silent letter.
Whenever I make a list of chores I always add one or two tasks that I have already accomplished so that I can experience the immediate satisfaction of crossing them off.
Going to ask HR if our insurance covers back braces because I’m carrying this whole damn team
[gun shop]
ME: Does this gun come with a nuclear warhead?
CLERK: Haha no that’s illegal
ME: Ok
CLERK: You can buy the warhead separately
Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and found the 1000s of pictures you have of them sleeping
“My leg’s been hurting for 20 years.”
* my 6yr old who exaggerates and is also bad at math
Just saw a bundt so big and beautiful I changed my sexual orientation to cake.
[Company Christmas luncheon]
Coworker: Nice, so you’re entering the ugly sweater contest?
Me: Ugly sweater contest?
[stopping the tattoo artist 15 seconds into my “feel no pain” tattoo] ok so you’re gonna laugh
I just got a text from someone I don’t know. They say they’re sick and vomitting.
Should I tell them that vomitting only has one T?
Cough drops are perfect for when you want the cough you’ve had for three days to stop for 60 seconds and then come right back.
Spice things up at church by french kissing your neighbor during the traditional greeting time.
sry
“Just this one more episode.” you said, and all the voices in your head laughed and laughed, and slapped their knees.
Taking a break from my mental health so I can focus on Twitter
Friend: do you regret becoming a father?
Me: no way. I wouldn’t trade it for anything in the world.
Friend: you want the rest of my fries?
Me: touché…*mouth full of fries* touché.
Child: Can I have some help with my homework?
Me: Sure. Let’s see. [reading] If you have six apples and give one-[10 minutes later]
Me: FIVE. FFS THE ANSWER IS FIVE
There’s no such thing as “elevator etiquette” buddy. Just enjoy your back scratch.
When I’m out with my kids and I see an x-boyfriend I like to scare him by saying “Don’t make eye contact with daddy.”
Game developer: his name is Donkey
Nintendo: nice
Developer: he’s a gorilla
Nintendo: ok twist
Developer: who wears a necktie
Nintendo: hm anything else? pants?
Developer: how would a gorilla put on pants?
Nintendo: right, yeah I wasn’t thinking
My car has a sunroof, but I consider it more of a middle finger display hatch.
DAD: when your grandpa died we planted that tree so we don’t forget him
ME: cool
[later]
TREE: You still remember grandpa chuck?
ME: yeah
TREE: cool just checkin
I don’t regret pressing the close button in the elevator when people are running. If they have all that energy-they should take the stairs.
[Me getting cut off in traffic]
GET OFF YOUR PHONE AND WATCH WHERE YOU’RE GOING!
[Notices USMC sticker]
AND THANK YOU FOR YOUR SERVICE!
Let’s all smash our hands together repeatedly to indicate that we enjoyed that thing.
DOCTOR: I have some bad news. You have HIV
ROMAN: What?!
DOCTOR: Do you have any questions at this time?
ROMAN: Yes, wtf is H4?
Cutting toxic people out of my life. No more “friends” covered in hydrofluoric acid who think it’s “cool” to eat lead
I’d pay this overdue bill but I’m waiting to see what color invoice they will use next.
One thing about marvel I like is that they use the same actor. It’s about 25 different Batman’s.