I’m at my most storybook heroine when I water the flowers at work.
You Might Also Like
I would do anything for love. But I won’t do that. Or that. That’s not looking good either.
Trying to convince my wife I said “adieu,” instead of “I do,” at our wedding, but she’s not buying it.
Putting out my traditional Garbage Day decorations.
I’ve been secretly moving my clocks ahead one minute every day since June so we can celebrate New Year’s and get all the kids to bed 3-1/2 hours early without them knowing.
13 years ago I ordered an m&m blizzard at Dairy Queen and the lady who took my order screamed “ONE SMALL M&M BLIZZARD!!!” at the top of her lungs then immediately turned around and started making it herself and it’s still the funniest thing that has ever happened to me
Pandora has spoiled me. Five seconds into any conversation and I’m looking for the thumbs-down button.
“1990 called, they want their shirt back.”
“…why didn’t you warn them about 9/11?”
my kindergarten teacher taught me to always put glitter in cards when i mail them. in case you’re wondering why i’m so diabolical
Beer before liquor, never sicker. Toothpaste before orange juice, dead.
No, I can’t come to your wedding. I just realized the remote works through the blanket.
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
Promises made to get to a toilet is who you really are
Dad: Are you hungry?
Me: Yeah!!! I could eat a horse right now!
Dad: I was asking the dog.
Me:
Facebook definitely needs to change their name. Pretty sure books aren’t supposed to make you dumber.
What can you do when your in-laws give uncomfortably long hugs while greeting you?
Search their pockets. You might want to ask if they’re carrying anything sharp like knives or needles.
I know that now.
The dentist gives me toothpaste when I leave. Step up your game gynecologist.
Im sorry, but that car does not have 5 doors. It’s 4 doors. No one is climbing in through the boot.
If you steal my identity you better believe that it comes with 4 kids.
If I arrive wearing more than one hat it is because I could not decide & could not bear to leave one or more of them behind.
Nothing guarantees running into someone you know in public better than looking like a feral animal on two hours of sleep.
At least something in this house will finally get stuffed tomorrow.
Any time you see a mass suicide case on the news, you can pretty much assume the assembly of an IKEA product was the cause.
Watched a movie on Netflix last night that was so bad, I walked out of my own house.
Death sent a message asking us to just cool it for a bit
“You will feel a little pressure but no pain…”
~Doctors or dentists about to hurt you bad
Why have I gained weight? I don’t get it. Is it the extra butter on the bread? The extra ham on the butter? The extra cheese on the ham? The extra mayo on the cheese? What?
wife: can you check something on my phone for me
me: sure what’s your passcode
w: our anniversary
m:
w: ANNIVERSARY
m: [sweating profusely]
every time i ask a guy where he got his sunglasses, their answer is like “15 years ago my friend found these on the ground and then he left them in my car. now we both own the sunglasses and we share them. this is my weekend with the sunglasses”
Who called it a “Monk that can dunk” instead of an “Air Friar?”