I’m at my most superstitious when there’s no wood in sight so I knock on paper three times. Hey, it’s made from trees and I don’t want to jinx myself.
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Ebola has been in the US for 1 day and people are already wearing masks. AIDS has been here for 55 years and fools still don’t use a condom
ME: *brings my mom to a knife fight*
MOM: *shouting* use your words!
MOM: *chasing knife fighters away with a broom* I know your mothers!
I need a sleep apnea machine, but I have no room in my bedroom. Unless of course I get rid of my movie theater butter pump or my Jimmy Buffett Margaritaville blender.
*falls on hard times*
Hard times: Get off me.
Judas: I can’t wait for you to die
Jesus: what
Judas: Easter eggs, can’t wait for you to dye Easter eggs
Jesus: what eggs?
me: how much for the funny smelling spray?
employee: perfume?
me: no, the whole bottle
I’ve never bitten off more than I can chew, but once I put too much mouthwash in my mouth and couldn’t swish it around.
if you become a ghost, don’t limit yourself to haunting houses. be the first to haunt a jellyfish exhibit! make a tulip your home and startle a bee. haunt a ball of yarn, get knit into a sweater. remember: it’s your soul that’s eternally damned, NOT your sense of style
the question “how is work” really pisses me off😭. work is work bro, idk what else you want me to say
[ on trial ]
me, whispering to my criminal defense lawyer: do you think the judge thinks I’m cute?
judge: we can all hear you
me: then I’d like an answer to the question
HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: *Looks around scared* Can…can you not see any of them?
“I got up at 4 am so I could bite my mom and eat a frog and pee on the floor right after I peed outside”
My kid: You know what I’m thinking??
Me: [sigh] If I say yes, do you still have to tell me?
Okay stranger, it’s clear that we walk at the exact same pace, speed up or at least hold my hand.
The roof of my mouth has had it too easy lately. I’m gonna eat some scalding hot pizza followed by a handful of granola.
6: *Watching kids yoga on YouTube*
Video: Ok, let’s do the Downward Facing Dog.
12: Ew! Uh…..um…..*keeps side eyeing me*
Me: *Making direct eye contact with 12* It’s a yoga pose. What did YOU think it was??
12: I…uh…..*runs away*
If everybody was happy in relationship there wouldn’t be any good music.
without fail i always get felt up by the tsa which is fine because air travel is expensive and i want my money’s worth
If you take a blue whale and lay it end to end on a basketball court, it will be really hard to play basketball.
[on trial for murder]
lawyer: have you ever eaten cereal with water
me: [sweating] I don’t see how that’s-
judge: answer the question
Taking the day off to brush up on conspiracy theories and really get this thanksgiving party started.
Contractor: Here’s your estimate for replacement windows.
Me [looking at estimate]: how much to just board them all up
“And we shall call it Kansas City”
Cuz it’s in Kansas?
“No it will be located in Missouri.”
What will we call the neighboring city across the river?
“Kansas City, Kansas”
Oompa Loompa: When you die do we get the factory?
Wonka: No, I’ll just invite 5 random kids and murder 4.
Oompa Loompa: We need a union…
Walking near the square a woman stopped me to offer a free skin care sample. Then she accurately guessed my age range. Some nerve!
Woman cut me off, stole my parking spot. I honked, flipped her off and went into yoga. Woman came into class as the instructor. Namaste.
Meatloaf was so named because of his incredible likeness to his father, Meatlo.
Wife: “You want to come upstairs?”
Me: “Hell yes!”
Wife: “I was talking to the dog.”
New research reveals that “the printer’s not working” is the third most common English phrase, right behind “thank you” and “go f*** yourself”