I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m hungry like I’ll tell you anything
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I wish I had the determination of my wife who’s still flipping through radio stations as we pull into our driveway.
Google. Filling the gaps in public education.
As moms, we make decisions to keep our kids healthy. Like drinking this entire bottle of wine so that my teenager can live another day.
Doc asked if I had a strong stream and I told him it’s so strong sometimes I flood the shower.
Me, with $33 left after paying bills: Let’s see how much a Land Rover costs
Genie: and for your last wish?
Me: I wish I could reverse age a few years.
*wakes up with a pimple the size of Australia*
Me: NOT LIKE THIS!!!
God, creating dogs: make them smart
Angel: how smart
God: capable of saving lives but incapable of turning around if they walk around a tree with their leash on
If I was lying down and someone came up and gave me tons of kisses and smooshed my face, I’d love it. I don’t know what my cats problem is.
I’m gonna work tirelessly until I find whoever stole the wheels off my car
Apparently I’ve reached the age where Grammy, Emmy and Oscar are merely other residents in the nursing home.
As a retiree, I have two pairs of pajamas. Bedtime and daytime. Sometimes I get them confused.
WIFE: Don’t tell the kids but I threw away those awful pictures they made & stuck on the fridge
ME: [sprinting towards the bin] MY ART
Council: We’ll pay you 30 pieces of silver.
Judas: Never. He’s my friend.
Council: …and an iPad.
Judas: I hate that guy.
[1hr before date]
Me: (to waiter) So when I order the extra spicy chicken you say ‘brave choice sir’ and then bring the Lemon Herb chicken
I spilled red wine on my white pants. So I decided to sprinkle blue glitter on them too. I’m now a top seller on Etsy.
Him: Maybe you should start counting your calories
Me: Maybe you should start counting your days
Contact me if there’s an emergency. This includes if you’re planning on giving your pet a stupid name.
A girl on the bus just batted her eyes at me, but I ducked and they flew out the window.
So we agree when the zombies come we feed em the teenagers first, right?
Found a new worse version of saying “thanks, you too” to the hoyts worker who says “enjoy the movie” – hairdresser says “what do you do?” and i answer then say “what about you”
I’m sorry Mr. Simmons. I really enjoy babysitting little Timmy, but I’m only 14. I need real money, not bitcoin.
I wish I had the confidence of someone who takes only 5 pair of underwear on a 5 day vacation
In 1000 years, archaeologists will find tanning beds and think we fried people as punishments.
So in Ohio if they say ‘it’s raining cats and dogs’ does that mean they’re having an all-you-can-eat buffet?
Someone just gave the agenda for the “third half” of our meeting. Guessing it won’t involve fractions.
my only knowledge of animals is that turtles like pizza and cats like lasagna
Husband: Wow! The house looks amazing. We should invite ppl over more often so you keep it this clean.
I’m going to need help writing his obituary.
Free tip for home invaders: literally everybody with an iPhone6 is out at brunch right now
The single most HARDEST thing about being an immigrant in the US is knowing that regardless of my sacrifices, my beliefs or the beauty in my soul, I, too, may one day be allergic to gluten
If I was a doctor I would scare my patients by pretending to go check google every time they asked me a question