I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m trying to spell Chrysanthemum
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Shout out to the lifeguard who recommended moving the potato to the front of my speedo
you’re so productive for your wage
You know who inspires me? The 0.01% germ nobody can kill.
SUPERVILLAIN: [thrusting kryptonite into my side]
ME: How did you discover my weakness? [gasping for air] I… hate… being… stabbed…
Adorable idea. Colleagues have been writing names on their food in the office fridge. I am currently eating a yoghurt called Debbie
Fact: Bernie Sanders won’t release his birth certificate because it proves that when he was born he was already a 74-year-old man
Cats REALLY hate dryers.
However, Patches has Never looked this fluffy
If you can’t beat them, try again when they’re sleeping.
A measles outbreak? Weird. You’d think in this day and age, they’d have invented something to protect against that.
Me: What do you think of my tweets?
Wife: They’re all pretty terrible.
Me: Don’t you have ANYTHING positive to say?
Wife: You’re consistent.
wife: as immature as you are, you do do a lot for this family, so thank you
me: *giggles*
wife:
me:
wife: …go ahead
me: “do do”
*Bricks getting laid*
Brick Layer: “Oh yeah! You like that shit don’t you!”
“Let’s check in with Ted our correspondent in the field.”
Ted: “Hey Bob I’ve been in this field for about an hour, and I’m super bored.”
Lion: *eating me*
Me: *twirling hair* so, like, what are we?
I need to buy new window blinds, but I hate dealing with shady salespeople.
Regular clock: Hey bruh, what’s up? It’s 3:30pm.
Grandfather clock: GET OFF MY LAWN, AND NO, I WON’T TELL YOU THE TIME!!
*drifts off into a nap*
ME: I have crab like reflexes
DAD:I think you mean cat like reflexes
ME: [sitting in pot of boiling water] what
Customer: Do you guys have wings?
Me, working in a food truck: just the wheels.
Can we stop trashing couples for meeting on the internet?
For centuries it was like, “my cousin in Idaho knows a farmer looking for a spouse, you should write him a letter,” and then you got married.
I love when people ask if pets are adopted, like no, I was in labour for 28 hours and it was an all natural birth, thanks for asking Linda
I hadn’t pledged allegiance to the flag in so long I forgot the words and I may have just drunkenly pledged to one nation, invisible, with librarian judges for all.
People complain when my baby is crying and then they complain when I stuff her in the overhead bin, MAKE UP YOUR GD MINDS
DOCTOR: I’m afraid I have bad news
ME: can you tell me what it is
DOCTOR: no I’m still too scared
Cats that run under your legs display the same genius as someone walking into traffic.
I respect perfume commercials being like we can’t show you a smell mind if we just go insane for 30 seconds.
*looking contemplative*
Wife: What are you thinking about?
Me: You know, if Nessie was sworn into the mob-
Wife: Don’t.
Me:
Wife:
Me: She’d be a Loch Ness Mobster.
Me: *watching Fargo* Hmmm everybody seems to mostly be traveling short distances
Sorry, I’m in a hurry, lets talk while we walk… You go that way.
her: my fantasy is eating whipped cream off each other, what’s yours
JRR Tolkien: *big breath in*
Today I learned that when getting a pedicure with your wife, don’t tell the salon girl “thanks for the amazing toe job”.