Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

CHIPOTLE MANAGER: we can’t figure out why these e.coli outbreaks keep happening
ME: [bathing in a tub of salsa in the back] ya very weird

[in music class]

Teacher: Be sure to take good notes

Me to classmate: Which notes are the bad ones?

The problem with family is that you can inherit a disorder that runs in the family from relatives you barely knew, but the money never

Interior designer.

Me: Your conspiracy theory is stupid.
Me anytime something weird happens in my house: It was a ghost. It’s the only logical explanation.

*at bank*
I always think it’s funny when I go to the bank because my last name is Banks
Teller: “haha. First name?”
*Pulls out gun*
Robin

2021

Employees: We’ve decided to go in a different direction. We’re gonna have to let you go.

Managers: wut?

Would definitely get your blood pumping waking up to that…😳🤣🦏🦮

I should’ve never taught my parrot to say the alphabet backwards now he drives drunk all the time the cops can’t do shit it’s a real problem

ME: we need to focus. we’re so close to getting fired.

MY BRAIN:

Nobody likes the girl who brings the acoustic guitar guy to the party.

why do they call it involuntary manslaughter and not a grave mistake

Dating a drug dealer in ur early adulthood is absolute necessary character development

12 YEAR OLD: I wrote a movie script called Suicide Squad but it’s bad *throws in trash*
HOLLYWOOD PRODUCER: *walks by trash* Hey what’s this

“So, what’s the plan?”

“You walk up and do your whole ‘rawr rawr’ shtick, and I’ll sneak around and grab their sammiches.”

Welcome to your 40’s, or as I call it “Two Leonardo DiCaprio Girlfriends”

Currently working on a diary full of lies. I want my loved ones to read it after I die and be like “wait what”

Coworker: Stop

Me: collaborate and listen

Coworker: Don’t

Me: you forget about me

Coworker: Hey!

Me: teacher, leave them kids alone

Your preoccupation with Hugh Jackman, Hugh Grant and Hugh Laurie is irritating. Why do you have to make everything about Hugh?

[the first ever boomerang]

HIM: Get rid of it
ME [scared] I can’t

In what is potentially a gross misunderstanding of Christmas in general, my 2.5yo has hidden her wallet ahead of Santa’s arrival.

if i saw a ufo i would simply identify it. not that big of a deal

Palin: I’m seriously considering a presidential run.
Reporter: Do you even know what the word seriously means?
Palin: Don’t refudiate me.

You deserve someone who’ll chase you with a chainsaw.

At the outdoor church service today, the pastor invited the kids to use sidewalk chalk to draw things that remind them of God.

My six year olds decided to trace each other and create a crime scene.

Tried to save some money by getting Halloween candy at Aldi. I hope kids like Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.

[choosing a daycare: first child]

Wife: what certifications do your employees have? what curriculum do you use?

Me: do your cameras have any blind spots?

[choosing a daycare: second child]

Wife: do you have any openings?

Me: what’s the latest we can pick them up?

Me: Hey, do you want to –

My 13 Year Old: No.

I could die climbing Mount Everest or I could die sitting on my couch eating Tostitos and I think we all know which one is preferable.