I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m trying to spell Chrysanthemum
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Me *on phone to IT* it just says insecure and no special character
Him: ok so your password needs to be
Me: No no I’m doing an online personality test
Def Leppard: Pour some sugar on me.
Definite Leopard: Place precisely two teaspons of sugar directly in my hand.
I want to die from natural causes like being murdered by a sunset.
Someone taught my 3yo the phrase “what in tarnation” so now I know what it’s like raising an 18th century toddler with a potty mouth.
SON: Can we have ice cream for dinner?
ME: [already ate all the ice cream for breakfast] Sorry kid, that’s not a proper meal
If I were the NY Times I’d make Wordle free to play but charge 99 cents to post your score on Twitter.
Let me sing you the song of my people at 3-4 am.
-my cat.
I’m not a liar. I have an English degree; I’m an unreliable narrator.
yesterday i took apart an egg timer because the ticking was too loud. i thought when I got it open and saw all the gears id know what to do. this was not the case
I come from a long line of idiots. One of my ancestors was stabbed to death by his fellow Greeks for shouting ‘Brojan Horse amirite’ while waiting inside to ambush Troy.
If you love something set it on fire. If it doesn’t die, you have a dragon.
“Do you want to be the numerator or the denominator tonight…? You’re so radical!” How I hit on my imaginary mathematician girlfriend
A restaurant specifically for people in their thirties and over with flattering lighting, tums for appetizers and complimentary advil with every drink order
A concept so foreign, Angelina Jolie tries to adopt it.
Interviewer: What makes you unique?
Me: I’m loyal to a fault, don’t gossip, & work hard.
I: Yeah, so, you’re not really going to fit in.
You’re eating Cheetos on the couch and playing a video game. Your “battle cry” isn’t striking fear into the heart of anyone but the dog.
The angel on my shoulder says I should be doing more with my life.
Wait, no, that’s just my mom talking. I forgot I left my phone there.
🙅🏻
Whenever your girlfriend tells you she’s on her period remember not to say things like ‘that explains it.’
dmv clerk: please look at the camera
me: wait i’m not rea-
dmv clerk: done, next!
Dominicans be naughty on purpose so they can get coal from Santa for their hookahs
I asked my niece if she had a newspaper.
She told me newspapers are old school.
She said everyone uses tablets nowadays and handed me her iPad.
That fly never stood a chance.
why’d they call it a fly swatter and not a splatula
Everybody’s getting Oreos with their Christmas cards this year.
Related: Don’t eat cookies while you’re licking envelopes.
I like my women like I like my bamboo: graceful, strong, and constantly in threat of being eaten by pandas.
I was gonna post a picture of my breakfast but I can’t get the gummy bears to sit up straight.
Waitress: ‘Do u have any questions about the menu?’
Me: ‘What kind of font is this?’
I went the wrong way down the grocery store aisle and you’d think I was looking at a 10 year prison sentence with the way Karen reacted.
I’m voting for Bernie Sanders based all on the fact that His fried chicken rules
Everybody was Feng Shui fighting, those cats improved my ambient lighting.