I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m trying to spell Chrysanthemum
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i would like to apologize to the parents of the child my kid is FaceTiming with, as she is just on her third time through of baby shark with no end in sight
now that a whole door ripped off an airplane and no one died they should let you roll down airplane windows so we can go back to smoking mid flight
Give me one reason why I shouldn’t pass this math class
“You held up 2 fingers just now”
Ok then give me that many reasons
[Therapy]
Me: “What do you mean I might have ‘psychopathic tendencies’?”
Therapist: “Why don’t you turn off your chainsaw, so we can hear each other better?”
Parents who say they love their children unconditionally have obviously never had a kid choose tuba as their band instrument.
i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
Excited for Game of Thrones tonight because it’ll be nice to see civilized political discourse for a change.
I TRADED MY ALARM CLOCK FOR A KOALA SO I CAN SLEEP UNTIL HE STARTS BEGGING FOR LEAVES WHICH’S LIKE 3 DAYS
me: I’m quitting, here’s my badge and gun
zookeeper: your what
[texting my friend]
me: sorry I missed your party yesterday
friend: it’s today actually
me: read this again tomorrow then
Match dot com, but for socks.
I ordered Chinese food last night. My fortune cookie said “LOL” and I’ve never agreed with one more.
I’m afraid of being murdered but only because they would record my stomach contents.
My cat just knocked over my coffee mug and looked at me like it was my fault. How dare I put it on the edge of the table?
Go down a water slide without water and you’ll understand why foreplay is so important.
Why do we call it losing weight instead of lightening up?
Had great idea for site for recent law grads called BarelyLegal .com. Turns out name was already taken. And their idea was much better.
I really upset my wife last week but she seems to have forgotten all about it. In fact she’s forgotten a few things since then, like my deadly nut allergy and the whereabouts of my epipen.
We have ants and tonight at dinner:
My husband: Did you know ants leave behind a trail that we can’t smell but the cats can?
3yo: I can.
Me: No, humans can’t smell it.
3yo: *sniffing loudly* smells like ants.
nobody sighs louder than an unemployed, debt-free dog who spends at least 16 hours a day sleeping
Me: Loving this juice cleanse.
Wife: That’s sangria.
Just won a sausage biscuit at this basketball game. Never give up on your dreams.
Go to a doctor?
When there’s all this free advice on the internet?
A wine sampling? How delightful. I’d also like to experience only a titch of love and a morsel of happiness.
Billy Joel song- A Matter of Trust
windy day song- A Matter of Gust
affair song- A Matter of Lust
push-up bra song- A Matter of Bust
Swiffer song- A Matter of Dust
rocket launch song- A Matter of Thrust
junkyard song- A Matter of Rust
deep dish pizza song- A Matter of Crust
love pickles so much i put myself in one
i get it boeing, i’m also prone to breaking down in public and making it everyone else’s problem
[English class]
Her: I’m never sure how to properly use a colon
Me [trying to impress her]: *poops*
*bark*
“What’s that Lassie?”
*bark bark*
“Timmy’s stuck in a loveless marriage with an overly critical wife?”
*bark*
“Ooh, dinnertime.”
My kids didn’t follow me into the bathroom so now I’m scared to leave and find out what they got into instead