Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Whatever! You’re naked ALL the time!”

-Me, to my staring cats every time I get out of the shower.

lol sometimes I-

[a mum] “yeah well TRY HAVING KIDS”

“About this postcard ‘Having a wonderful time wish you were here.’ Why didn’t you want me to come with you in the first place?”

“Then I would have had to reword it.”

Sorry, I’m afraid “Hillbilly Elegy” has 62 holds on it. What that means is 62 other people will need to not read it before you get the chance to check it out and not read it.

The average tiktok video is 24 seconds and let’s just say I can relate

I just got the emailed receipt from her shopping trip and It’s taking forever for my wife to get home and “catch” me doing the dishes

“Is that a dead body?” I heard a young child ask her mom as they passed me by. So, yeah, skiing is going pretty well.

When Prince Adam called upon the power of Greyskull and turned into He-Man, it didn’t make him bigger or stronger it just made him more naked

My One A Day multivitamins actually have directions on the bottle – “Take one multivitamin daily.” Hmmm

The average person eats 35,000 cookies before they die.

I think it would take far less if you tried to do that amount in one sitting.

awkardly looking around the applebees bar & grill for my tidner date whose profile picture is waluigi

Wife’s lawyer: So why did he demand a divorce?
My lawyer: it says here that he forgot it was their wedding anniversary and just panicked…

I’m so old, when I type “stan”, ac thinks I mean a man’s name and capitalizes it

The spider sees a delicious cave opening and works quickly, spinning an intricate, elegant web. She steps back, smiling at her work, tears in all of her eyes. It is brilliant.

Me: *closes my mouth after the longest and best yawn ever*

Spider: noooooooooo

Tonight my wife is making us watermelon mojitos and if you think you can’t find true love on the Internet well you’re wrong because that’s where she found the recipe.

“Did you remember to take the dog out?”
Ah crap, I forgot
[Dog storms in] I sat at the restaurant for HOURS

[Wendy’s Job Interview]

INTERVIEWER: Ok let’s role play. You’re working the drive through and I’m a customer ordering.

ME: Sir please get back in your car.

INTERVIEWER: {under breath} Brilliant.

Google assistant rules

[Hiking]

Me: Want some trail mix?

Her: This is just a sandwich bag full of rocks and twig-

Me: All from this trail!

I’m sorry if I always sound angry when I speak, but I’m a parent and I suffer from a condition called Resting Batman Voice.

I’ve lost count of how many times in the past week I looked at my inbox and said, “How the hell did I get on this mailing list?” And “What could the CEO of Spanx possibly have to tell me about the coronavirus?”

“Coffee is disgusting. Why would grown ups drink this stuff?” says my son, who woke up at 5 AM of his own free will and then proceeded to wake me at 5 AM against my own free will.

I hate when I go to unbutton my pants because they’re too tight and they’re already unbuttoned.

this is funnier than any friends episode

There’s a word in modern Hungarian slang, egérmozi, which describes watching films (or shows) on your phone. It means “mouse cinema”

[first date]
Me: I collect taxidermy
Him: Really, taxidermy?
Me: It’s a family thing

[later, at my place]

Me: Feel free to hang your coat on my stepmom

In case anyone needs to feel better about their parenting, my 9yo saw someone inside Build-a-Bear wearing a reindeer costume and said, “Look Mom, it’s a furry.”