Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I misplaced Dwayne Johnson’s cutting tool for the origami workshop.

I can’t believe I lost the Rock’s Paper Scissors.

Me: kill me now!

Murderer, from behind curtain: i was going to surprise you

At this point making life choices involves liquor and a dart board.

date: [making small talk over dinner] so what are you looking for?
me: [fingering my soup] i dropped my spoon in

Never ask anyone eating their meal directly out of a pot on the stove how their day was

2-step verification should be at least somewhat dance related

Happy: So there’s saliva on the foot area of Snow White’s glass coffin

*Dwarves all turn their heads*

Kinky: Oh, blame the new guy

Why’d they call it “The Empire Strikes Back” and not “Cool Hand, Luke”?

my boss was like “people working from home are just pretending to work” and it’s like, dude, what do you think i’m doing in the office?

I’ve spent the six years trying to learn Braille via hospital elevators. So far, I know elevator.

9 yo me: wow I love my public library yes I’d like to check out 14 novels that are above my reading level. Be back next week

Me now: wow I love my public library yes I would like to check out one—I believe it’s called a Bööke? I will be back in 3-5 business months

Authorities claim that a Canadian company is at the centre of an international pyramid scheme. The company hasn’t responded to the accusation, but they did ask two people to respond for them, and each one asked two people to respond for *them*, and so on.

Inspiration twitter:

“You’re worth keeping. If others walk away from you for any reason, it’s because they’re losers and they should feel badly.”

Also inspiration twitter:

“Never feel badly about walking away from losers who drain you for any reason. It’s self care.”

Mom bod is what happens when you spend too many years cleaning the kids’ plates.

With your tongue.

in hindsight, grumbling about my mother having 30 pairs of slippers was ill-timed in coinciding with the arrival of my 12 pairs of Old Navy flip-flops

My 6yo is arguing with me over what day of the week it is.

Have kids, they said.

I’m only listening outside the bathroom door to make sure you’re not touching the decorative hand towels.

GENIE: and for your first wish?
ME: I wish that the end of every bag of chips was the start of another
GENIE: holy shit!

Turns out I wasn’t in narnia, I was in my dishwasher high on bath salts

Husband: Do you like it hard or soft?
Wife: You know I like it hard

-parents passing taco shells on a wild Tuesday night

“I have a PhD, I’m a professor, and yet I could be making more just teaching elementary school! It’s not fair!”

my brother in christ have you ever been the only adult in a room of 28 first-graders

When a patron comes into the library the Saturday after Thanksgiving and asks “What’s the right way to cook a turkey,” I know I’m being asked not to provide practical information but rather to get involved in a heated family dispute

Door-to-door Christian guy: Have you heard the greatest story ever told?

Me: Definitely. I love Star Wars.

We’re all 60% water, so get off your high horse “aqua” man

Some random person just tilled my and my neighbors’ garden sometime during the night.

I’m afraid we’re dealing with a serial tiller.

They offered me money to promote a product in my Twitter account, but my dignity is strong, as Axion “The true grease stain remover”

♫ Why do birds suddenly appear, every time you are near? Just like me, they long to be… ♫

Wait, hang on…my bad, those are vultures.

Why don’t they just call pot head janitors ‘ High maintenance ‘ ?

him : can you name the shapes?

me : sure. Sue the square, Trevor the triangle, Richard the rhombus, Harry the-

him : no I didn’t mea-

me : …Harry the hexagon

him: will you just st-

me : Dave the dodecahedron

I impose tariffs on my children by taking a bite of each Poptart before I hand it to them, and let me tell you, the markets don’t like it