Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

(At the dentist)

‘Your grinding isn’t good.’

Excuse me! I’ve never had a man complain before.

It’s Friday after 2, setting automatic replies in outlook to just say “Chimichanga” with no further explanation.

I consider anything that doesn’t fit in the dishwasher to be for one time use.

looking for someone who loves me as much as some people love standing up the second a plane lands.

a friend was telling me about a guy she’s breaking up with and at one point she said “he does these weird eye and ear exercises” and at the end i was like “i’m sorry you’re going thru this” waited the appropriate 20 seconds and said “can you teach me the eye and ear exercises”

I just apologized profusely to a spider as I was killing it. The spider is also Canadian so it said “oh yeah no for sure, it’s ok.”

[God, creating pigeons]
Make them pace back and forth like a lawyer.

I can only please one person a day, and i already pleased myself this morning.. so y’all are screwed!

I’m not sure what my wife thinks I do in the bathroom, but I appreciate all her support

Apparently “never hesitate to tell her you love her” does not include yelling it through her window at 3am, I know this now.

me: your dad and i were married 7 yrs before we had you
12: why would you wait so long to have such an amazing experience

There should be a day between Sunday and Monday called Hang on a Second.

*performs CPR on the turkey*

Love this one 😂🧟

I hate when you lose all that progress you made at the gym by going 6-7 years between workouts.

I think my wife’s angry with me but it’s hard to tell coz she’s pretty blurry and one of us is slurring a lot

tornados are just a bunch of ghosts fighting over a cow.

I’d pay double for a Roomba that had a “follow child” option

just give your kids the ipad they’re the ones who’ll be fighting cyborgs in the future.

I just heated up a delicious chocolate brownie and put some ice cream on top of it & sat on the couch to enjoy it.

Seconds later, Catherine asked Samuel if he’d like a bite on MY brownie.

I faked a smile and gave him a bite.

Soon after, she asked him AGAIN.

I have no wife.

FRODO: what is it?

SAM: if i take one more step, it’ll be the farthest away from home i’ve ever been

FRODO: *smiles* come on Sam

[literally one step later]

SAM: if i take one more step, it’ll be the farthest away from home i’ve ever been

FRODO: wait no

[trying not to think about Sonic The Hedgehog during sex]

Her: faster! faster!

Me: oh god no

At what age should you put the tonsils back in

me: I would hate to be the Bear of Bad News

my wife: it’s bearer of bad news not Bear of Bad News

Bear of Bad News: lady you don’t know wtf you’re talking about

Signed up for the gym because I heard about leg day and hoped I’d pick up a new leg. But all that happened was that it made my remaining leg ache for two days.

I’m posting this because I’m honestly at a loss. I’ve been in this situationship for as long as I can remember & I need advice. There’s this guy & he’s honestly SO nice & he gets me whatever I want but he only visits once a year & only when I’m sleeping & then he just disappears.

I’m just curious if anyone has been through anything like this? Any advice? I don’t even have his number I just write him letters.

If you guys know anyone, I’m in the market for a mannequin head that’s missing both eyes and has dark hair…please, no weirdos.

me: [staring up at the sun, then at the sunblock in my hands, then back up at the sun, then back at the sunblock]

my wife: you’re wondering whether you put it on yourself or on the sun, aren’t you

me: look i didn’t go to medical school like you did ok

me: *rubs lamp*
genie: I will grant you three wishes
me: can you go away I’m rubbing this lamp

If my wife takes any longer to get ready to go out, she’ll need to go and shave her legs again!!