Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My teen said she’s too old to have a dance party with us but then asked for money, and now guess who isn’t too old to have a dance party with us?

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

me: looks like I don’t have to plant any mint, it grew back on its own

mint: yep, you don’t have to worry about me

second mint: me neither!

me: I don’t remember planting you

third mint: sup fellas how we doin

I saw a car with a flat tire so I offered to help. She tells me to hurry cause she has a hair appoinment..This is how serial killers r born

Her: YOU’RE A PIECE OF SHIT!
Me: Well… at least I’m not all of the shit

They should get rid of red light cameras and replace them with big walls that pop up at the intersection that you slam into if you run the light

Does anybody want a cat? Free to a good or average home

Me: Why is the dog staring at the floor?

Wife: I’m baking cookies and she’s waiting for one to drop so she can eat it.

Me: [also now staring at the floor]

to the people who put antlers & a nose on their car for xmas

u cant trick me .. i know its a car

Can’t wait for the next debate, I’m so close to deciding who to vote for.

@Book_Krazy @funTweeters 🙂

Doggy day care is like a regular day care except you have to enter from the rear.

Me: You’re going to prison?

My French accountant: Oui

Me: WE are going to prison?

[Elephant at a party] Nice piano!
[me] thanks
[Elephant] What are the keys made of?
[Me] Uhh..
[Rhino appears behind me] Tell him Kyle

I told the 8 year old that Taylor Swift is apparently dating a football player and she goes “oh man, she’s gonna write a breakup song about how he was just playing games”

I slept with the lights on last night because I missed the light switch with all 8 of the Nerf Darts I shot while lying in bed.

My husband calls me Sugar and my dog’s name is Sugar so when he says, “C’mere Sugar” there’s an awkward stare down between me and the dog.

I dunno but if I was a “doctor to the stars” I sure wouldn’t be bragging about it these days

I eat children for a living

You what?

I said I feed children

Oh haha thought you sa-

TO MY MOUTH

Little Mermaid remake: Ariel falls in love after seeing the tender way Prince Eric holds a fish in his Tinder profile.

My roomba taught me the secrets to winning the Robot War:

Robots…

– don’t respond to yelling
– can’t deal with rugs with tassels
– become obsessed with vestibules
– are defeated by hair
– hate being picked up

The little Tabasco bottle waits patiently as you flirt with artisanal overpriced hot sauces, confident that you’ll always come home.

[commercial for evaporated milk]

IS YOUR MILK TOO WET?

The /r/ubiquiti subreddit has been going back and forth the last few days on who can make the shortest ethernet cable and it’s been seriously cracking me up.

Asking every new person I meet if they’re cake.

My son told his sister she’d never fit in the trunk and she said she’d prove it and I know I’m supposed to say something as the adult but aren’t some lessons better learned the hard way?

DATING TIP: Any time someone is hot and you’re too scared to approach them, remind yourself that they’ve probably had diarrhea at some point

[Hospital]

New mom: [happy] She’s so beautiful. And she has your nose.

New dad: [suspicious] No, she doesn’t.

New mom: I was addressing the elephant in the room.

Elephant: [just walked in with flowers] shit….

The emailer who threatened LA schools claims to be “a Muslim extremist.”

That’s like a student signing his report card “Timmy’s Dad.”