Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*high looking at my cat*
When did I get a fluffy chicken?

“This year sucked, next year will suck too.” Enough negativity, let’s hear something aspirational. In 2024 we will put all tik tok content creators in jail

[JOB INTERVIEW]
It says on your CV that you are a magician, can you show me?

ME: *Points on CV to where it is says I am a magician*

me: I quit drugs to concentrate on rock climbing

him: nice what’s the highest you’ve been

me: I tried to kiss a goldfish

[ordering from the dollar menu]

me: hi i’ll have 7 dollars please

*sips some coffee & interrupts break room conversation*

“Technically we’re all under the weather today unless you’re an astronaut in orbit”

A lot of people wonder if u have to choose between a creative career and making money, and I just wanna say stick with it long enough & you can have neither 🙏

Wife: It’s like we don’t even know each other anymore

Me: Not this crap again, Brenda

Wife: That’s not my name

You’ve got some really nice shoulders. Can I put my arms around them?

Someone called their dog “ugly” and I was not even prepared to fight a stranger today.

On the street or subway you can only imagine what that idiot is thinking. On Twitter, you get to see what that idiot is thinking.

I told my husband last night that I have a lot of hobbies but I’m not very good at any of them, “like cooking for example” and this man, whom I have fed every single day for 10 years, had the audacity to respond “but there are other hobbies you are good at.”

“Just circling back on this.”

“Take another lap.”

heard that the average person swallows eight spiders in their sleep a year
rookie numbers
my personal best was 49 back in ’11
the secret? look for and eat the spiders while you’re awake
no one ever thinks of that

Waking up with a hangover in your 20s
vs
Waking up with a hangover in your 40s

I don’t know who to tell this to but I noticed that chips are less broken than before. Getting a lot of large chips in the bag these days. So whoever is doing that thank you

[divorce court]

ME: …and that’s why I am seeking full custody

JUDGE: Again, this court does not decide custody of the “Netflix password”

ME: One time I was attacked by a shark

REPORTER: Wow! [turns on recorder] tell us what it was like

ME [leans in to mic] A massive fish

My 3 year old wants 3 cookies because he’s 3. So I’m having 36.

Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food

[pet shop]
Me: Excuse me, do you work here?
Hamster: No, I do not.

tomorrow isn’t promised, so punch that person in the face today.

me: *excitedly* this is my first time taking a train

conductor: *sprinting* GIVE IT BACK

If an assassin ever wanted to kill me but make it look like an accident they could just wait until I was walking down the stairs with a plateful of nachos and throw me a pizza

My family wanted a Disney experience so I charged them $150 to stand in a line for three hours before taking our daughter to the bathroom.

When someone says “We can still be friends” after a break up it’s like saying…”The dog died but can we still keep it?”

we should be able to doordash someone a snowball to the face. like tis the season biatch.

So, Tim Cook came out of the cloud?

Friend: cheer up. There are plenty of fish in the sea

Me [slamming my fist on the table]: I’m attracted to women NOT fish, Gary!

Me: I would like this urn

Clerk: of course, sir. Who is it for?

Me: my wife

Clerk: oh, I’m so sorry

[later]

Wife: no I do not like my Christmas present