I’m at my quickest when I try to follow someone out of the bathroom so I don’t have to touch the handle.
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hear me out, a safari park full of giraffes called giraffe’ic park
Remember when all bombs looked like a black bowling ball with a giant wick in the top? Yep, simpler times.
the only difference between 15 year old me and current me is that if i fell off of a skateboard now i would die.
When a fancy lady told me she was from an upscale neighborhood, I stared at her, mouth agape and said, ‘Oh shit! I’m so sorry. Are you okay?’ She didn’t like that at all.
It started out How did it end
with a Sith up like this?![]()
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I love how we all talk about The Last Supper painting & nobody mentions that all 13 of those guys were sitting on the same side of the booth
My kids fed chips to some seagulls and now we have to go into the witness protection program.
When I was little, I didn’t care what I wore. I just went along with what my parents chose.
When I look in old photo albums, l realize that they didn’t care either.
There’s no such thing as a five second rule if you’re putting it on someone else’s plate.
Over all these years, you’d think I’d remember how important the “L” in clock is…especially when asking mom if I can borrow dad’s.
Why didn’t any of Spider-man’s enemies attack him with an enormous broom.
ME: please show me the posts in the order that they were made
COMPUTER: thats too hard. heres some tweets i think are good. Do you like this
Takes approximately 7.5 seconds for #Adele to make you mourn a relationship that you weren’t even in.
Every woman’s deodorant is called Delicate Whisper and every man’s deodorant is called Beef Shazam!
Dating someone that actually likes you is wild. Like, what do you mean this person wants me around? And tries to get to know me? And asks what my blood type is? Or if I have both kidneys? Or if I wanna fly out & meet them alone in an abandoned hospital? It’s nice to feel wanted.
nurse: are you allergic to any medicine?
me: laughter
nurse: hahaha. OH MY GOD-
me [face swelling up]: i thold thou.
MTV stopped having their “Unplugged” specials because the shitty artists we have now can’t play any instruments.
[police lineup]
Cop: Number 3, say, “Gimme your purse, you old hag.”
Me: You’ve got it wrong. I said “old woman,” not “old hag.”
I need to get some bricks…
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*being abducted by aliens*
Hey thanks guys it was getting pretty rough down there. What we got goin’ on, snack-wise?
my grandpa: this pizza has no toppings
me: close the box, turn it over, and open it again
my grandpa: well i’ll be damned
“You can’t bring road kill on the plane.”
“It’s my carrion.”
Snacking on regular m&m’s and peanuts because I refuse to have my chocolate to peanut ratio dictated by some big corporation
If Wile E. Coyote really wanted to destroy the Road Runner, he should have just proposed.
I’ve got 45 chairs in my garage from receptionists asking me to take a seat.
Can’t, The Thundercats need me.
Walking near the square a woman stopped me to offer a free skin care sample. Then she accurately guessed my age range. Some nerve!
My mom was right. My face did stay this way.
It’s not about the sacrifices you have to make, it’s about making sure your knife is sharp and they can’t wiggle away.
I only had one piece of pizza at dinner tonight. One huge round piece.