Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I made a smoothie with oat milk. It was horrible. So next time I will use this recipe:

1.) Take carton of oat milk. Change name on carton to boat milk with sharpie.
2.) Next, float it out to middle of lake.
3.) Last, light it on fire like a Viking funeral.

Internet Company: What are your hours of availability so we can do your installation?

Me: Between 8am and 12pm

Internet Company: Great, we’ll be there between 12pm and 6pm

I liked the movie Taken better the first time I saw it when it was called Finding Nemo.

Breaking: Nate Silver Predicts That If the Election Were Held Today, It Would Most Likely Be Due to Some Kind of Serious Administrative Error

Butt weight. There’s more!

It’s NOT day drinking if you didn’t sleep the night before, mother.

I’m like a siren of the sea, except I lure my victims by smelling like garlic bread

an edibles food truck and i’d call it the cannabus.

Not to brag, but I remember to take the cap off of a water bottle 75% of the time before taking a drink.

ME: Everyone has a soul and since souls are actually ghosts, technically we’re all haunted

ANESTHESIOLOGIST, TO THE SURGEON: I seriously don’t know how she woke up

Apparently, autocorrect wants me to get my shirt together.

94% of tea drinking is just waiting for it to cool down

Apparently, “in California” wasn’t the right answer to my boss asking where I see myself in five years

“Is that a serial killer downstairs or just my pet?”

– the fun game that all cat owners get to play at 3am

Boyfriend: I’m home! (looks into garbage can) Hey. Did you eat like five candy bars today?

Me: AM I UNDER INVESTIGATION HERE!?*

*i did

at ease…shoulder.

What, tough guy? Come try taking that picture over here, why don’t ya?

Found a fly on his back by my keyboard. So dead. So sad. Put a cocktail umbrella by his head. Now he looks like he’s suntanning.

[before meditation]
I just wanna kill someone

[after meditation]
and I know EXACTLY how

If you ask me where your glasses are, and they’re on your head, I will help you look for them forever.

Interviewer: “Are you proficient with Microsoft Office?”
Interviewee: “Word.”

As we were driving passed a prison on vacation my 12 year old nephew lamented, “aww, I’ve never gotten to see the inside of a real jail.” I deadpanned, “It’ll happen, Sean, just give it a few years.” Y’all, my 7 year old erupted in laughter and explained the insult & I’m just 😭

“This is mine”, he growled passionately into her ear. “Are we clear?”

Breathlessly, she agreed. She wouldn’t try to eat his nachos again.

It’s cute how my psychiatrist pretends I’m not an international sex symbol who moonlights as a super assassin.

Okay so I need to find and purchase this book

*kneels to pray*

“Hello, God?”
“YOU’VE REACHED CUSTOMER SUPPORT.”
“Who is this?”
“MY NAME IS BRAD.”
“Are you in Heaven, Brad?”
“NO, INDIA.”

Many people are shocked when they find out I’m not a good electrician.

Elevators frighten me. I take steps to avoid them.

My toddler has discovered this new thing that makes her laugh uncontrollably and it’s watching her parents try to swat a fly

Let’s get married and have kids so instead of doing fun stuff on the weekend we can go to a kid’s birthday party where everyone coughs.