Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“C’mon… Get better…”
– Me poking reality with a stick

I WISH I WERE PAC-MAN SO WHEN I GOT UPSET I COULD EAT SOME CHERRIES & EVERYONE AROUND ME WOULD TURN INTO GHOSTS

In our house the answer to 🎶who let the dogs out?🎶 is always the toddler at 4am when we’re all alseep because she thinks it’s funny

I always pull out my chapstick and slowly apply it to my lips when I want someone to stop talking to me.

drummer: “just add er on the end of your instrument”
guy who plays trumpet: “so im a trumpeter, ok cool”
guy who plays trombone: “oh no”

Friend: I’m not trying to butt heads with you, but…

Me: *dons helmet, tightens chin strap, braces for impact* BRING IT!

“I can function just fine on 3 hours of sleep”, I say as I begin pouring vodka into the coffee maker instead of water.

Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight

I spend 90% of my life trying to do the right thing and the other half wondering why I don’t understand Math.

[apiary]

ME: Are you the beekeeper?

BEEKEEPER: Yup

ME: Can I get some?

BEEKEEPER: Nope

ME: Is it because you k—

BEEKEEPER: I keep them

waiter: do you want me to bring you some boxes

me: what’s in them?

a squirrel buries a nut in my backyard. I think im going to dig it up & replace it with a grilled cheese sandwich, blow its freaking mind!

nurse: *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there

[later]

nurse: it’s empty

me: i didn’t need it, there was a toilet

Heard someone explaining how to close a bag of chips and now all I can think about is who doesn’t finish an entire bag of chips after opening it?

[First day as a beaver]

Me: Dam.

*watches nature documentary*

*moves my giraffe print pillows far away from my tiger print pillows*

I’m no good at the pole vault either.

*me flirting

if I were Juliet, I would NOT be pleased to find a man standing under my balcony at midnight. sir I am in my jim-jams

I asked 14 to do me a favor, and he said, ”okay.” Then deliberately fell face first into the mattress on my bed.

Same kid, same.

Undercover cop at a beauty salon: I’ve been made, over

Doctor: Listen to your body more.

Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.

boss: why did you cross out “world” on my “world’s best boss” mug

me: have you met every boss in the world

boss: no bu—

me: just seems like a lofty claim

boss: {gesturing at my “universe’s awesomest employee” shirt}

me:

boss:

me: this one’s true tho

It’s really odd but it appears women want a boyfriend that lives thousands of miles away and is married.

You guys, Christ is rising again soon and to make him feel extra welcome, we’ve put up paintings of each stage of his murder

I started planking. Well, I laid on my stomach and it was so nice I didn’t want to ruin it with exercise.

My family gather round while the lawyer quietly reads my will. He hands out 1 hot dog each and when they finish eating he asks them to leave

Serving time in more than one prison is polyslamory.

for $5 i will write “yikes” under one of your ex’s selfies

My mom found a Barbie Dreamhouse at a garage sale when I was a kid, but all the stickers were ripped off so I drew on appliances and wallpaper. Debbie, down the street, called it Barbie Crackhouse and now she wants to be my friend on Facebook? Ha!