Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

what if wolves are onto something? maybe we’ll be happier if we scream at the moon every night

“Can you explain this gap in your resume?”

Me: [sitting on a toadstool, blowing smoke rings] whooooo areeeee youuuuuu

[during prison riot] guys we don’t need to swear

People on tiktok r like “I bought the viral mascara so you don’t have to” and im like when did I have to……

Dear God,

Laying an egg once a month would have been preferable. Thanks for nothing.

~ All women

Friend: Did you know most people mistake thirst for hunger?

Me: Really? Weird. Hey, are you going to eat that water bottle?

my phone:
🍎 APPLE PAY: RECURRING TRANSACTION COMPLETE
$15.35

me, smiling serenely, closing my phone: “wonder what that’s for :)”

what are they serving at kfc then???

Me: Do you like my new negligé?

Him: Are you wearing bubble wrap?

Me: You said put something on that would keep you occupied for hours.

9: The remote isn’t working
me: Did you smack it?
9: Yep
me: Did you push the button down really hard?
9: Yep
me: Well I’m out of ideas

Me: Why don’t you ride your bike to practice and save me the trip?

13-year-old: I can’t. It’s too far.

Me: You ride twice that far when you go to your friend’s house.

13: I can only go that far if it’s for fun.

me: who’s a good boy?!?! you are!! the best boy!! such a good boy!!

My boyfriend handing me my takeout: can you stop doing this

flight attendant: sir u can’t bring that on the plane

me: this is my emotional support refrigerator

[On a treadmill next to a girl at the gym]
Me: *Out of breath* Feeling the burn?
Her: Yup
Me: Me too!
Her: How? Your machine isn’t even on

Flex on the Average Person by eating 9 Spiders a Year

I dreamt I was turning into a
t-rex. A tiny part of me tried to fight it

Me: Quit knocking stuff off the coffee table

Cat: You aren’t my real father

Me: What?

Cat: Meow?

Physicist: *pounds fist* None of our models predicted this!
Cindy Crawford: What did you expect? My major was Chemical Engineering.

People who live in glass houses should wear fish costumes.

ME: Gosh it’s murderously hot today.

CLIMATE: *under breath* Shit they’re onto me.

Well, it’s finally happened. White people are Tupperwaring themselves.

It’s nothing worse than accidentally becoming a important person at your job.

My wife tried imitating the weird groaning sound her car is making, and all three auto mechanics asked her out.

Girl: Hi
Guy: Hey
Girl brain: What did he mean? Is he in love with me? I need to analyze this for hours with my gfs
Guy brain: I’d do her

Me: *googles my symptoms*

WEBMD: drunk for the last 6 days

8: Miss will you watch this video I really love at lunch?

Me: absolutely tell me what it is –

8: and I think we’ll all be getting used to the swears in it

Me: honey, I’m not watching anything with swears in the school

8: please? There’s only like three or four!

When my wife wants my opinion, she’ll give it to me.

Hell hath no fury like a woman being told she looks tired.

With the likelihood of insects being a big part of our future diets, it’s only a matter of time before McDonald’s servers are asking if we want flies with that.

ME, anxiously practicing in mirror: Thanks a LOT. Thanks A lot. THANKS a lot.
*doorbell*
DELIVERY GUY: Here’s your food.
ME, blurting: THANKS A LOT OF DELIVERY GUYS GET KIDNAPPED