I’m at my sexiest when I find the grown out patch of hair on the outside of my ankle I missed with the razor the last 17 times I shaved.
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Just tell people you have a podcast, nobody’s going to check.
I never scrape my back window so when I back out of parking spots I let Jesus decide if I’m gonna kill anyone
Kid: “ my dad says you spy on people… “
Mark Zuckerberg: “ he’s not your dad”
Found my 7yo vacuuming his room before school, so I guess the aliens switched him in the night
What do you mean there’s no cash prize for being the first guy in the neighborhood to shovel his driveway?
(seeing your lamp) you have a pet sun! (touching it, it burns) and i see it’s not trained very well 😐
Husband: you might want to start adding an occasional LOL
or I’m kidding
or smiley emoji
or I love you into your texts…so if anything ever happens to me it throws off the investigation.
I put some fridge magnets on my fridge door and now it’s covered in fridges
A “good parenting” blog followed me. Should I let them know how long ago that ship sailed?
Me: waiter, do you have frog legs?
Waiter: of course monsieur
Me: good, hop over there and get me a beer
FOOTBALL COACH: *drawing up a play using Xs and Os* ..any questions?
ME: are we the hugs or the kisses?
Treat your guests like family, so they don’t stay too long.
200 Catholics, one cup. -Mass
I don’t consider myself a controlling person.
Side note: Anyone else have a list of people your spouse can’t marry if you die?
A robot steals your job. It hurts, but that’s how the economy works. Nothing personal. The robot starts texting your wife.
“Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs” could also describe every menu item at Olive Garden.
This year I’m the Invisible Man for Halloween, according to this bartender that apparently hasn’t seen me standing here for an hour
Returning my uneaten fries to McDonald’s for store credit
“So what do you do?”
I’m a wordsmith
“A what?”
A writer. I deal with words. How about you?
“Oh I’m a uh… weedsmith”
If I saw somebody eating a taco like that, I would slap that taco out of that hand.
My doctor told me I have acute appendicitis and I said “Compared to who!?”
I just want to be half as productive as my mom thinks she would be if she was me.
[trying to impress fiancée’s entire family]
Waiter: Your bill for-
Oh I got it! [looks at bill & spits wine] WHO ORDERED THE “SUBTOTAL”?!?
A pleasant day enough to misarrange slightly some words.
[Speed dating]
HER: I’m really into astronomy
ME: the moon follows me when I drive
[first day working as a librarian]
ME: shhhhhhhhhhhhhh
HR MANAGER [annoyed]: as I was saying
My son will never know the thrill of illegally downloading Thong Song on napster and waiting 1h39m for it to download
You can tell a lot by a guy’s teeth.
For instance, if they’re three feet long, that’s no man; that’s a hippo.
I own workout clothes for the same reason my buddies in high school bought condoms: I like to pretend there’s a chance I’ll need them.