I’m at my sexiest when I find the grown out patch of hair on the outside of my ankle I missed with the razor the last 17 times I shaved.
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Lot of big talk about using time machines for murder by people who do no murdering at all in the here and now.
One time I got fired for being too drunk. Not for being drunk. For being too drunk. I miss that place.
I wish I was as consistent as the poppy seed that finds the space between my two front teeth
My 3 year old cried all day yesterday because he lost his brand new Spiderman sunglasses. Searched the whole house to no avail. I just asked if he remembered where he put them & he casually said, “Yes, at the bottom of the laundry basket in my room.” My bad for not asking sooner.
Me: I’d like the chocolate soufflé
Waiter: It takes 45 minutes to prepare
M (right in her face): Then why are you still talking to me?
Never sell a golf club on Facebook to someone from East Kilbride!
There should be a hotline you can call where you can safely pronounce words you’ve only ever read out loud for the first time, and they say “oh sweetie” and kindly explain how it’s pronounced.
[terrorist meeting]
“Let’s hit Americans where they gather to shop”
But how will we find these Targets?
“Guys you’re not gonna believe this”
ME: so this is what it sounds like when doves cry
SUBWAY GUY: all I said was we were out of meatballs
One of my greatest joys in life is when Jeff calls the vet to make an appointment and they ask for his name, and he says, Jeff. Then, they ask for our cat’s name, and I watch him gather his strength before he tells them, Baby Jeff.
Fifty shades of grey is my favourite movie about English weather.
Why is it called taking a shit and not de-deucing?
new dad Todd: lol check out what I did with my baby
friend: lmao dude did you actually put him in a treetop
Todd: lmao the wind rocks him so I don’t have to
friend: yo what if the bough breaks or some shit hahaha
Todd (suddenly serious): bro why would you even say that
Women be like ‘I hope you look exactly like your profile photo’ and then when you’re kneeling outside the restaurant holding a fish they’re all ‘Omg what is wrong with you’. I can’t win you guys.
I hate when doctors knock before they come in. Like what do you want me to say “who is it?”
Short story
there are only two portion sizes for mashed potatoes: nowhere near enough (posh restaurants) or far, far too much (literally everyone else)
Sam: Welcome to Multiple Personality Club.
Sam: No one else is here.
Sam: You’re here.
Sam: I’M YOU, STUPID!
Sam: OK EVERYONE CALM DOWN!
Oh that’s cute you think the worst sound is “nails on a chalkboard”… Here, borrow my kids for an hour.
“i am trapped in a loveless marriage help me obi-wan you’re my only hope” “use divorce, luke”
I like to watch the murder shows on Investigation Discovery so I don’t make the same mistakes those killers did.
Me: you know what’s sexy?
Mirror: no
Letting the grocery bagger bring my groceries out sounds nice but I can’t handle trying to remember where I parked in front of a stranger.
dad: I AM VERY DISAPPOINTED IN YOU YOUNG MAN
son: HI VERY DISAPPOINTED IN YOU YOUNG MAN IM GREG
dad: omg [sheds a tear]
I only let students whose parents schedule a conference with me, and then don’t show up, chose a kazoo from the prize box.
The difference between a motel and a hotel is about $200.
Purchased an hourglass for my desk at work to flip when people stop by to make them uncomfortable.
Am I pissed my dad’s been gone for 25 years going to the store for “cigarettes”? Probably not as pissed as he is. The line must be out of control.