I’m at my sexiest when I try to run in flip flops in the rain.
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[placing hand on my boss’s casket] who can’t think outside the box now
Me: that was easy, what was my time? 3 minutes?
Escape room employee: ma’am we’re gonna need you to replace this door
Airbud being shut down by the oppositions new defender, the vacuum.
i hate when someone rings my doorbell because then i have to drop whatever i’m doing to be silent and pretend i’m not home.
[Robbery]
Sloth Man: I’ll use my powers to make the criminals fall asleep.
*Runs to bank*
*Reaches bank 18 hrs later*
SM: How’d they escape?
Me: *buying a pair of socks and a pack of gum*
Kohl’s cashier: You saved $439 today.
DAUGHTER: can I have a snack?
ME: [clearly making dinner] no, I’m making dinner right now.
DAUGHTER: but I’m hungry!!
ME:
Women are like passwords. You enter your digits incorrectly a few times and they’ll lock you out.
After how many years should you clean your microwave?
Just overheard someone say “it’s Friday somewhere” lmao. Like… it’s just… not.
Fun Fact
The Hubble Space Telescope was built to do several things, one of which is to search for intelligent life, it is pointed away from Earth!
[if you can make a girl laugh you can make her do anything]
*makes a girl laugh*
me: can you do my taxes
Me: *opening trunk*
Tied up Guy: ope
Me: omg this isn’t my car
Tied up Guy:
Me: I’m one row over this is so embarrassing
Tied up Guy: happens to everyone
Me: *closing trunk* ugh I’m so sorry
I don’t hold grudges. I pose with them.
I’d let you be the reason my cheeks blush.. All four of them
‘THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS YOU!’
~me, parenting teens
Showed up to basic training wearing denim short pants.
I got jort-martialed
When u drop an ice cube on the floor u have only 2 options:
1. kick it under the fridge
2. pick it up & throw it at the sink missing wildly
me: hi i’m on the list
security: there is no list this is kohl’s
me: *slipping him 20 dollars in kohl’s cash* to the VIP section my good man
Me: Which cup do you want?
2-year-old: That one!
Me: Let’s pick a different one.
2-year-old: No!
*drinks milk from a shot glass*
The book I checked out of the library is so stained and gross, it looks like someone used it recently to deliver a foal.
I am not a woman who can exercise with makeup on without ending up looking like a Salvador Dali painting
I know this now
Waiter: Did you save room for dessert?
Me: Not really, I’m stuffed
Waiter: Ok, I’ll bring the check
Me: I’ll have the chocolate cake.
I just told my daughter “doja cat doesn’t get enough credit” & she responded “I know, right” & nodded thoughtfully in agreement, but here’s the thing: wtf is a doja cat
I open the door slowly, slipping inside. I keep a measured pace, breathing evenly, keeping my heartbeat low. Five steps, ten steps; I begin to relax. A voice calls from behind me, ”Sir?” I ignore it. “Sir, what’s that in your pants?” I walk faster. “Someone stop that man!” I run.
my dad: [rising up from behind couch]
the new ppl that live in that house now: wtf
Wife: Is dinner ready?
Me: Not yet.
Wife: Are you using the slow cooker?
Me: You could say that
Guys that have a hard time meeting girls, have you tried painting some wings on the side of a building and waiting for them to come take pictures?
I took my kids to the playground and now they want me to push them on the swings. Jesus Christ, haven’t I done enough?
Never considered this before, but I might be a “local woman”