I’m at Sephora and the makeup artist asked this woman if she was allergic to anything and she said “shrimp”
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My autocorrect just changed “I’m off” to “I’m DTF” and changed a casual conversation with my boss into an H.R meeting.
I never picked my nose. I was born with it.
Tired: Turner & Hooch
Wired:
The 4 stages after getting dumped…
1) Waiting cuz u thinks it’s temporary.
2) Throwing in the towel.
3) Getting a cat.
4) Revenge.
Sometimes I read the stupidest shit in here then realize I wrote it
My greatest fear about not having children is that I might miss out on certain life experiences, such as getting caught in a bitter custody battle
My daughters moved out on their own and they call me periodically to ask for advice and answers. I kind of thought watching me raise them would have proven that I’m winging it, but for some reason, they think that I know things?
I sniffed my work shirt to see if it was too dirty. Unfortunately I work at a chloroform factory and woke up 6 hours late for my shift
“I knew the dame was trouble when she waltzed into my offfice with a green diamond floating over her head.”
Eye of the Tiger came on the radio and I got so excited the macaroni salad I was making is all over the walls and the cat has a black eye.
NO SHIRT, NO SHOES, NO SERVICE
Waiter: ahem *points to sign*
Me: oh that’s fine, I’m not ordering anything
a lot of people are really funny but they’re not comedians and a lot of comedians are really funny but they’re not people
me 10m after sprinkling lavender essential oil on my pillow: I am one with all beings
me 10m after getting in my car: learn how to use the left lane you piece of human shit
The nicest piece of exercise equipment I own is a stationary bike. It’s actually a regular bike, but it never moves because I don’t ride it.
Picture someone stepping down off a curb that they didn’t realize was there. Now you can say you’ve seen me dance.
If you’re looking for a good time, I’m a blast when I’m alone.
Is athlete’s foot [gulp] fatal, doc?
“Not with the proper treatment.”
*gives foot $56M 7-year contract*
You brake checked me? My baby is car-seatless rolling around the floor like a water bottle, and you brake check me?
[picking son up from soccer practice]
Me: how was it?
Coach: he did very well
Me: how many goals did you score?
Son: none
Me: right well one of you is a liar then
ME: *unbuttoning shirt* Sorry, it’s hot in here and I’m really nervous.
INTERVIEWER: I understand but please stop unbuttoning my shirt.
Goth gf: this isnt working out. I think we should see other people
Golden Retriever bf: *started running in circles as soon as he heard the word Out*
me: that’s my wife susan
him: please pass the salt, ma’am
me: idk she’s pretty lazy
her: [rotates entire table]
me: but strong
How to shape your eyebrows
A thread
tourist season
A new restaurant in my neighborhood offers a tasting menu but it just tasted like paper to me.
My client’s (soon to be ex) wife just flipped me off in the courthouse parking lot, so yeah, I’m obviously doing my job right.
DO NOT PRESS RED BUTTON
