I’m at Sephora and the makeup artist asked this woman if she was allergic to anything and she said “shrimp”
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I’m going on a work trip for a few days — but my husband has just suspiciously bought himself 3 bunt cakes in various flavors and isn’t mentioning it at all.
chat, i am full of concern
therapist: im glad u overcame ur fear of snakes and all but-
me, with a snake: ur gonna say i shouldn’t have married this snake aren’t u
I heard a noise downstairs, so naturally I came down to investigate in my towel, post-shower.
Exactly. I’M the idiot in a slasher film.
me: another one, make it a double
hot dog vendor: how
Me: *taking an art appreciation class*
Instructor: Please bring my students back
You’re born alone and you die alone. And a bunch of people annoy you in the middle. Okay, good night.
She said she liked animals but apparently all the fruit flies around my apartment was a “turn off”
If your online dating profile says “I don’t have sex on the first date” then that’s why you’re on a dating website.
I would never have a swear jar as
1. It would suggest that I regret swearing and
2. Imply that I have spare change.
ME: Doc, it hurts, did anything break
DOCTOR: Your hip
ME: Well, yeah, Daddy-O, but did anything break
When in doubt, ignore an unknown number on your mobile, never hit Reply All, and always wear clothes when you step out of your house.
Person: Hi, my name is *my brain plays 3 seconds of air horn*
Me: I’m sorry, what was that?
Person: I’m *air horn*
Me: Again?
Person:
Please be delicate with me I’m built like a Nature Valley bar
Just saw the new Avengers & the audience went NUTS when Shrek showed up & saved the day.
“We’d make great parents.”
– couples who watch your kids for three minutes while you go pee
has anyone fixed the sound barrier yet
Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer
I told you these spanx were too tight.
-my tombstone
Maybe I’m not depressed. Maybe I just think moving trains need hugs too.
STORY TIME
my skin is a few shades darker than my siblings on either side, so I stood out.
one time when I was about 5, a woman looked at all of us and asked
“are you tan from the sun!?”
and i said
“no i’m nate from earth”
*looks up “how to disarm a bomb in 10 seconds” on YouTube*
*ad starts playing*
*looks up “how to disarm a bomb in 5 seconds”*
*gets into canoe*
Guide: Ok, everyone grab an oar!
*gets out of canoe*
Girl, are you a glass of water because I think you’re about to throw yourself at me.
Him You’re the reason I’m up at night
Me: Awww
Him: Please stop calling me at 2am
Dr. Pepper just unseated Pepsi as the second most popular soda in America.
Don’t tell me that getting your PhD isn’t worth it.
Do I lie completely still during sex? Yes, but what makes me unique is I mutter “light as a feather, stiff as a board” while I do it.
*A group of cannibals eating a pie*
This is amazing, what did you do different?
“Well, I used fresh Barry’s”
[attempting Guinness Book of Records for most people mauled by a bear]
ME: Thank you all for coming
37 OF MY FRIENDS: Why r we here again?
First pedicure of the season…my nail technician took one look and started stretching
my neighbor: can you keep an eye out for our dog? he ran away
me: oh no, when’s the last time you saw him? did he leave a note
neighbor: early this morn- did you ask if he left a note?