I’m at Sephora and the makeup artist asked this woman if she was allergic to anything and she said “shrimp”
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“DOES ANYONE KNOW CPR?”
I step forward boldly.
“I know OF it.”
What’s the different between Black Eyed Peas and Chick Peas?
Black Eyed Peas can sing us a song.
Chick Peas can hummus one.
My Life Alert bracelet says: “don’t let them get away with this”
7am: *starts diet*
7pm: *eats the house*
Wife: our daughter just said shit.
Me: oh no! what do we do?
Wife: obviously we can’t curse around the house anymore.
Me: [gasp] you think the house taught her that word?
My 7-year-old told me she wants a pet chinchilada. Do I find this at the pet store or a Mexican restaurant?
[looking disappointed at the playboy mansion]
i was told there’d be bunnies
wife: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i’m a chameleon
wife: no you’re not
me: I can change I swear
Is it “shitshow” or “shit show”? I just want
I don’t know why people say Twitter isn’t a dating app. I’ve encountered plenty of available married men here.
Once upon a time (today) I had to help with pre school homework
Me: -holds up yellow
Me: What color is this?
4: McDonalds
The end
I *just* got the angel food cake in the oven. It took forever to peel all those angels.
FRIEND: did you hear about the Salvation Army volunteer who is on strike?
ME: doesn’t ring a bell
[at the gym]
PERSONAL TRAINER: have you exercised at all in the past?
*flashbacks to holding my gut in for the past ten years*
ME: totes
Got sent to HR for impersonating a fire alarm during a staff meeting again
Son: *carrying damaged produce*
Me: Drop that sick beet!
Tried this new Playlist in the car, on the treadmill, at my desk, but it seems the best place for me to listen to old Greenday is 1992.
We loved to call random numbers and say “I think your dog is on my porch.” If we got somebody who said “I don’t have a dog” then we would yell I DON’T HAVE A PORCH and hang up.
Wanna know what it’s like to have kids? Picture one of those automatic ball-pitching machines, but instead of balls, it’s questions. And it never shuts off.
Ah to hear the music of the angles!
Just realized I only had one meal today. One, thirteen-hour meal.
The days of good grammer has went
The worst outcome of the Kendrick Lamar/Drake beef would obviously be escalating physical violence but the second worst would be if this was all leading up to a Sprite commercial.
Lost in the desert, you scan the horizon with your device. To the east, you see the leaning tower of Pisa. To the west, you see the familiar pillars of Stonehenge. That’s when you realize you should have brought binoculars instead of a Viewmaster.
Day 30 on the desert island. Out of food. There’s no other option, I’m going to have to talk to the other survivors
I heard someone talk about all the sex they were having for like 20 minutes, and now I know how people feel when I talk about CrossFit.
A bum gets on a bus and walks past a nun. The nun says “youre going to hell”. The bum yells “Damn, Im on the wrong bus” ! 😀
People keep talking about the new Star Wars trailer. In my day, Star Wars had SPACESHIPS!
Amazon is approved for drone delivery…
Which means we now have skeet shooting with prizes.
Just overheard someone say they need an “escape goat” for their project & I can’t decide if they’re a complete idiot or an evil genius.