Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you try and fight South Park they will just turn around and do another episode about you. 😬

Am I a bad navigator? Well off course

The state parks in NJ are opening today, but the bathrooms will be closed. I’m still staying home, too much anxiety worrying about where to go if I gotta take a shit.

grocery store clerk: did u find everything ok today

me, who couldn’t find the tortillas after 30 minutes of searching: yes

Everyone says they want a fairytale wedding. But when I show up and curse their firstborn, suddenly I’m the jerk…

Me: Man I love the eighties

Grandparents: We have names

I took my sandwich out of the bag and I saw THIS! I went back and spoke with the manager an demanded an explanation. He looked confused, so I pointed at the writing and asked why someone felt the need to write it. He answered, “because you ordered a BLT with cheese?”🙈

Just go ahead and put “She always had to pee” on my tombstone, because that’s how everyone’s going to remember me.

[inventing the knife] What if a stick was mad

Get married and have kids so you can spend the rest of your life going “Who ate all the ________?”

The lid on our bottle of glitter is not childproof. I know this now.

Then there were 3 sets of footprints & God said “This is Deb. She answered my Craigslist ad & U r the one who said we should try new things”

My kids are young, so when they listen to old school music they think its new. They are currently listening to a hot new band called Queen.

“Ooh you’ve caught the sun”

Translation: I could make toast by placing bread on your face.

He said he was a Guardian of the galaxy, I thought that was pretty cool until I realised he was a security guard in a Samsung shop.

Witness protection, but for men who have accidentally told a woman she looks tired

I read an article that began “During the pandemic, with the implementation of distance learning…” and was surprised it didn’t end “came an uptick in nervous breakdowns of parents everywhere.”

The 90s were wild. Scientists actually “cloned a sheep” as if we could tell sheep apart in the first place.

Why is “you’re a peach” a compliment but “you’re bananas” is an insult? Why do we allow such fruit discrimination?

we live in a society where it’s perfectly acceptable to touch 50 pieces of fruit at the supermarket before buying one. every apple you eat has been fondled by half the neighborhood

To save time, I buy my panties pre-bunched.

still one of the greatest philosophical minds of our time

In case you’re wondering if humans will be able to overcome the virus, remember we are talking about the species that presses harder on the remote control buttons when the battery is dead.

Week 1 of diet: 10 more pounds to go

Week 2 of diet: 15 more pounds to go

Whenever I think I’m having a bad day I think about the time I ran a half marathon and at the starting line all my music mysteriously disappeared and I had to listen to Sugar by Maroon 5 for 13.1 miles

A shock collar, but for that person who drags out work meetings with stupid questions and comments.

the Lord of the Rings is mostly a bunch of really old guys walking around telling some 40 year old Hobbits “yeah this place used to be really cool but it sucks now”

I can’t remember a time in my life when an update for Acrobat Reader wasn’t available.

Annoying to think of how many lives on the Titanic could have been saved if only they had seen the movie.

Missing someone is tough but you move on eventually & I’m no longer allowed to chaperone field trips.