I’m at that age where all of my sentences start like this one.
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I get it garden box. If someone massaged me, gave me the best nutrients, plenty of water & let me rest in the sun, I would be capable of producing amazing things, too
If children knew how much their parents were winging it, the whole system would topple.
Welcome to earth! You have a choice of private parts. Would you like the one that creates life & bleeds or the constant bad decision maker?
Sometimes, for fun, I like to mouth words to my husband when he’s wearing earbuds. When he stops to ask me what I said, I just say ‘forget it’ and storm off.
Her: *leaving seductively, slowly dragging fingertip across countertop*
Mgr: What’d she want?
Me: nothing.
Mgr: Where’re all the donuts?
Me: There’s a cold spot I think it’s a ghost
Her: You’re standing in front of the open refrigerator
Me: OUR REFRIGERATOR IS HAUNTED?!
Beware of the “party goblin”…
The best thing about your fifties is when they give you diplomatic immunity from the court of public opinion.
Why does my back always hurt?” I say while never sitting upright in a chair.
You know when someone’s all “ugh this smells terrible” and they want you to smell it too? That’s what sharing political news is like lately.
[on stage]
me: *takes a bow* thank you
Violinist: hey, I need that
I got a message on Facebook that said, “Your a lawyer, right?”
Me, “*You’re.”
May have lost a new client but they learned something today.
Wake up, kids! Bees can’t even read, much less spell. IT’S A SCAM!
When you get a 3D printer, don’t mess around. Go straight to printing money.
Instagram better not use my cloud pics. THEY’RE MY CLOUDS GET YOUR OWN CLOUDS ZUCKERBERG!
Unexplainable things:
1) Stonehenge
2) ESP
3) How my car insurance company can magically lower my renewal cost when I threaten to leave them
Sometimes when I’m sitting in a swivel chair, I’ll turn around quickly and smile and pretend I’m in the opening credits of a sitcom
If the Bing chatbot isn’t called Chandler, then what’s the point of anything anymore.
A relationship should be 50/50.
50% man
50% bear
50% pig
I am laughing way too hard at this.
best review i’ve ever seen
Screaming out “BOOM PREGNANT!” during sex is never as funny as you think it will be.
“The Last Voyage of the Demeter” is too long a title. Personally , I would have called it “Bitey Boat”.
The hardest part of your divorce will be finding a recent attractive photo of yourself to upload to dating sites.
*phone rings*
Menacing voice: ‘Have you checked the children?’
Me: ‘Could you do it?’
I ordered some stuff online & they tossed a huge pack of bandaids in the box (that I didn’t order) like they’d met me.
My kids made a mixture of snow, corn chex, chocolate chips, and apple slices on the kitchen floor so now I need a new house
[hiking]
Me: you want some trail mix?Friend: yeah sure!
Me: *starts beatboxing*
Just heard a dad threaten to spank his screaming son “in front of the world.” Stand your ground, kid. There’s no way he has that technology.
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*has to pee*
*watches soccer*
*gets up to pee*
*misses goal*
:/