I’m at that age where I can no longer refer to other people as “elderly.”
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person: nice cheese
inventor of swiss: thanks it has pockets
[Calling doctor’s office]
Lady: When is your child’s birthday?
Me: *panic* click
I don’t need money to buy happiness. I’m already happy. I just want the monies.
Who called it condensed milk instead of mk?
We’re often told that if we’re unsure whether to report a crime, we should always err on the side of doing so. Yet when I report that my local pub now puts sultanas in its coleslaw, I’m told this “does not constitute a high priority” for the police. I mean mixed messages or what?
Not to brag but I’m an expert at using laundry to accessorize the living room
To all the men out there without ponytails: What are you afraid of? SUCCESS???
Math at Halloween.
I love you and all but I’d push you into oncoming traffic for a large pizza and a Twix.
my mom: fix this for me
also my mom: no, not like that
still my mom: it’s not working
mom: wait it is now
bears call children lost in the woods screamy appetizers. you can take my word on this
*At a restaurant, 3yo not sitting still*
Aunt Lisa: What’s wrong, dude, do you have ants in your pants?
3: *Looks stunned, drops pants*. Can you get them out?!
Parents, let this be a reminder that young kids will take 99.9% of what you say literally.
GYM COMMERCIAL: sign up now with no commitment
ME: finally a program for me
The Flo Rida song Friday bothers me so much
“I wish every day was Friday.”
The magic of Friday is the anticipation of the weekend, and if every day was Friday there would be no weekend.
No one let this man make a wish on a monkey paw.
My teen can’t seem to make her own bowl of cereal, but she can make a Tik Tok recipe with 17 ingredients.
interviewer: questions about the job?
me: how can I get suspended with pay
I’m a new werewolf and I have questions
-where am I going
-do I have to stay up all night I like to go to sleep at 9pm
-is howling at the moon necessary I have sensitive vocal chords
-do i really have to hunt & kill things I have a gluten allergy can I just go to Whole Foods
Sensible dad: I’d like to buy 3 ‘fleeks’ & 7 ‘swags’ for my son.
“Sir this is Urban Outfitters”
Do you have any ‘baes’?
“Please leave”
Me: Can I please be 7? It’s my lucky number.
Policeman: Get in the damn line up.
My cause of death will probably be something stupid like, she was running from a swarm of bees and got hit by a dumptruck.
He just always looks at me like I’ve wronged him
I would like to see the USA go metric before I die just so I can enjoy the outrage that would follow.
Feed me pretty and tell me I’m tacos
Dishonest mechanic?
Oh crap, this isn’t what I ordered… who has my foot-long sub?
Why do sanitary towel adverts always feature a liquid which is blue?
Are aliens their primary customers?
What kind of therapist does a cat see?
A pspspsychologist
When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.
Her: so tell me a fun fact
Me: the plural of octopus is really octopodes!
H: I mean about yourself…
M: …I know the plural of octopus
Someone recently asked me, “What blood type are you?”..
I said , “The red runny type”.