I’m at that age where I can no longer refer to other people as “elderly.”
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Saw the washing machine only had 6 minutes left so I decided to wait in the basement until it was done. That was 4 hours ago.
INTERVIEWER: can you explain this gap in your resume
ME: no but i can explain this gap in my teeth. i can shoot water out of it. *takes a sip of his coffee* vanna thee?
Twitter is my favorite MMORPG ever. I just say nasty shit and then I get to collect awesome people like experience points.
[hell]
-What are you in for?
-Rape, murder. You?
-I invented web ads that make you wait to skip past them.
-[backing away] That’s messed up.
cab driver: how was your meal?
wife: it didn’t go down as well as we’d hoped
cab driver: that’s too bad
me: *still choking on a fish bone* why is no one helping me?
My son has been away all week on a school trip. I asked my daughter: ‘do you miss your brother?’
She looked at me puzzled and said ‘isn’t he in his room?’ALL week.
I’ve reached the age where good or bad news from friends produce the same reaction: I should make them a casserole. I have officially become my grandmother.
Spring love is in the air!
*sprays repellent*
Auto correct changed “Help” desk to “Hell” desk and man, it got that right.
The correct etiquette is to always use a fish knife when eating fish; a tomato knife when eating tomatoes; and a Swiss Army knife when eating the Swiss Army.
Yes I’ve gained weight. Too many people wanted to have sex with me. It was annoying.
Only short people can save us
Publisher: You have a good story here, but I hate the main character.
Me: It’s an autobiography.
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor on this flight?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a YouTuber to help, are they?
Me: Dad, there’s a medical emergency happening right now
Dad: Go and see if “what up guys” helps
Stop, Drop, and Roll: A Beginners Guide to Bowling
I hate when I go to the gym and someone’s doing yoga on the napping mats.
they should invent a rest for the wicked
“your cat will eat you when you die” yeah but he shows infinite grace by making no attempt in the meantime. leave him alone
I don’t care for the term drug mule, why can’t it be a drug unicorn.
[buys plastic lightsabers for the kids]
5-year-old daughter: Mine is broken.
Me: What’s wrong with it?
5: It doesn’t even cut off arms.
“How am I driving?”
No seriously, how did I get here. This isn’t my car.
Every car wash comes with a free shower if you get out of your vehicle naked.
I hate it when my Wife says that we need to talk.
It’s always “What’s wrong with you?” and never about sports, beer or bikini models.
The human body is made up of 80% water, therefore, I’m not fat; I’m flooded
I think my invisible friend ate the last tin of cookies and drank all of the whiskey last evening and boy is she in trouble.
“Oh I would do anything for cash,
But I won’t do that”– my kids, Meat Loafing me when I ask them to do their chores
*sees baby*
*crouches down, does some cute baby talk*
*no reaction from baby*
*stands up slowly*
You’ve made a powerful enemy today, baby
COWORKER: I’m my own biggest critic.
ME: Haha, trust me. You aren’t.
her: I’m bored
me: let me take you out and show you a good time
her: ok
[later]
me: *walking past a bar* look, everyone in there’s having funher: I see