I’m at that age where I can no longer refer to other people as “elderly.”
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Putting my cat at the top of my Christmas tree this year because 1) she’s already an angel and 2) she’s going to climb up there anyway
If you ever feel dumb, remember sometimes sloths grab their own arms thinking they are tree branches and fall to the ground.
Sorry, there’s a technical problem preventing me from RTing your tweets. Technically they’re not funny.
Always the person who refuses to go to the wedding.
Never the bride.
The older you get the only functions you attend are bodily..
Her: Why do you have a copy of 50 Shades of Grey in your bathroom? Perv!
Me: Oh. No that’s just for when I run out of toilet paper.
@truegritrumble @funTweeters The equivalent happened to my mate – he got a bag of carrots for his lunch, his daughter’s horse got his sandwiches
Sad to think that the Grandma from the Nutty Professor is probably dead by now.
Age 8: “Being a werewolf would be fun!”
Age 18: “Being a werewolf would solve all my problems.”
Age 28: “Being a werewolf is an escapist power fantasy for emotionally stunted children.”
Age 38: “Being a werewolf would be fun AND it would solve all my problems!”
I just searched for a picture of “desserts” and a photo of grapes popped up. What kind of sick person has grapes for dessert?
I can’t stop thinking about this shirt
You say lasagna. I say spaghetti cake. Because my 3 year old won’t eat lasagna.
People judge public housing, but it’s cheap and your neighbors sell you drugs so I’m not sure I see the problem…
My CW just barked.
Ok, it may have been a burp, but I’d like him a lot more if he were turning into a dog, so I think he barked.
I once watched a documentary on ferns because the remote was out of reach.
“I’M NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLS!!!”
(Seductively takes baby dragon out of Gucci purse & lights cigarette.)
I have a drawer in my kitchen full of sauces that are patiently waiting for the big day that I use them
Smallpox sounds so adorable
I think sometimes we as humans ask too much of spandex.
protagonist: tag you’re it
antagonist: no you’re it
pennywise: are you kidding me?
Remote start, keyless entry, feature allows me the privilege of losing my keys- while I’m driving.
“hey, aren’t you the guy from high school who would disagree with everything?”
no
*goes back to group of friends*
was it him?
“I don’t know”
True story
Cute Male Nurse: I need to untie your gown.
Me: Not on the first date.
#SaidWhileUnderAnesthesia
Parents, talk to your kids about drugs. Teach them organic chemistry. Obtain a research grant. Put big pharma out of business together
The Pillsbury Doughboy has died. Services will be at 350 degrees for 30-40 minutes.
Me: Just wanted to let you know I named my car after you.
Friend: That’s so sweet, but why?
Me: Because you’re also a wreck.
Yes little lemonade stand girl, I do want change from that twenty dollar bill.
H: “You’re walking funny”
me: I hurt myself in the hot tub
H: “Did you fall in?”
me: …
me: … sure.
I thought I drank my coffee too fast and thought I was hallucinating seeing bugs everywhere but it turns out I did in fact leave a window open and a bunch of ants got in