I’m at that age where I can no longer refer to other people as “elderly.”
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My dog just winked at me, and now I’m wondering just exactly what the two of us are keeping from the rest of the family.
Modded the new Gran Turismo
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goldfish memory actually lasts for months not seconds so don’t play that “I forgot about the rent” shit with me, Bubbles
I am such a dungeons & dragons guy in theory. but i just don’t have the attention span to make it work. i will show up super excited, name my elf some shit like Hyundai Elantra, and then you’ll never hear from me ever again
teach a man to fish and he’ll turn around and try to teach you to fish like he invented it and you’re an idiot
FRIEND: are you going to watch star wars tonight?
ME: uhh…yeah…of course
[later]
ME: [looking up from telescope pointed at night sky] odd…they seem to all be getting along just fine
The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the crap is placed.
Mugger: Give me everything you got
Me: Hope you like a low credit score and insomnia
I never believed in reincarnation before but… Dad?
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Can’t wait for Daylight Saving Time to end this weekend so the clock in my car will have the correct time.
SATANIST #1: we need a lot of blood for this ritual
SATANIST #2: yeah but how can we carry it all
KOOL AID MAN: why is everybody staring at me
[Ancient Greek Dandruff Shampoo Commercial]
MEDUSA: *looking super embarrassed, trying to casually brush a bunch of shed snake skins off her shoulders*
My daughter gets all bossy when we’re playing with her Barbies, but I just smile. Then when she’s at school I play with them the way I want.
WIFE: Your heavy drinking is making you delusional
ME: *turns to friend* Do you think that’s true?
WOLVERINE: Nah, don’t listen to her
Welcome to middle age.
Only one nostril works
The first few seconds of a tiger attack are when it’s critical to make the “pspspspsppsp” noise
Find someone who looks at you,
I think that’s a pretty good start.
[Art Museum]
Date: I like a man who makes things exciting, but I also like to be the center of attention.
Me: *Thinking quickly* SECURITY! SHE’S GONNA STEAL THIS PAINTING
Caterpillar: no legs wtf how do I get around?
God: *wearing bird mask* BOO
Caterpillar: o000ö
God: haha jk it’s just me
Caterpillar: oOOOö
God: SEE YOU’RE DOING IT
Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, shame on me
Fool me three times, show me how you do that
Exchange student: my village back home still lacks access to clean water
Me: ugh I know how you feel. we’ve needed a Target for like, ever
Grocery clerk: sir please stop
Me: *smashing eggs with my fist* none of these are ripe
This meeting could have been a pajama party.
I think if someone said they could read my mind, I’d be like “I am truly sorry!”
Get the body you always wanted this summer. Go grave-robbing.
My group chat full of childhood friends was blown away by the realization that one member reads the newspaper at 7am then doesn’t look at the news for the rest of the day, and the rest of us are seething with jealousy.
An app..
An app that reminds you, no matter how ugly you are.. someone far far away wants to bang you.
-Twitters new slogan
Facilitator: Any questions about the sexual harrassment course before we start?
*raises hand*
Me: Is “harass” one word or two?
F:
Me: Thx
I hate when people say “think again.” Buddy, I wasn’t even thinking in the first place.
it’s so hard to see someone else living your dream
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