I’m at that age where I can’t simply pick something up, I need to first knock it over and then pick it up.
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*sees melted chocolate swirling in tv ad*
ooooh yeah
*raisins fall into the chocolate in slo mo*
nooooo
*punches hole in wall*
Remember, ladies, when you’re taking those selfies, the camera adds like 10 cats.
Hand feeding garbage to my roomba when its battery is low
jesus christ confetti not now
Me, yelling over the panic: IT’S OK EVERYONE I LISTENED INTENTLY TO THE SAFETY BRIEFING THE EXITS ARE OVER HERE
*audible sigh of relief from all the passengers as the plane is going down*
The sole purpose of your child’s middle name….is so they know when they’re really in trouble
Oh no Moo Deng noo!!
Not everyone realizes this, but if you clean the pile of receipts out of a purse and stack them together, it makes a teeny tiny book about why you’re broke.
No coupon is really “expired” if you cry hard enough.
The prize for getting up early is to eat a worm? Birds are idiots
Saw a homeless guy this mornin’ he said, “Any change?” Me, “Nope, you’re still cold and homeless.” We laughed & laughed & he stabbed me.
I watched her squeeze into the booth, finish 3 Egg McMuffins, & stand-up.
“My knees are killing me, it must be the cold weather,” she said.
date: i had fun tonight
me: me too
me: *mashes mouth against one cheek & slowly drags it across their whole face*
me: that’s how slugs kiss
Hey. I just… haven’t felt the same since I left you. I wish we could spend all day and night together, but that’s not healthy. For either of us. I don’t know where I’m going with this but I just wanted you to know I’m thinking about you. I miss you.
– texts to my bed
therapist: what’s on your mind
me: why would a bull be in a china shop to begin with
My sister: can you believe that I’m pregnant again! Must be something in the air
Me: yeah your legs
LIFE HACK: Tired of the neighbors’ noisy kids playing in front of your house? Sign up for the sex offender registry
I’m going to get so many free clothes when the rapture comes.
You don’t hear much about Snow White’s eighth dwarf, but they should never have trusted Clumsy with an axe.
When I sit down and the toilet seat is warm, I like to imagine someone rubbed a freshly baked loaf of bread on it.
Don’t ruin this for me!
Both ‘Horrid’ and ‘Crummy’ are underrated descriptions. Teach your children Victorian adjectives and be eternally amused.
Accordion to current studies, 90% of you did not realize that this sentence started with a musical instrument.
love that every recipe article begins extended background context now. i came here to learn how to cook, but now i’m 6 pages deep into pancake lore. it’s the lord of the rings’ appendices for the modern age.
before therapy: i hate people
after therapy: i feel good about hating people!
Not everyone in my family follows Apple news, my sister included
When my wife does our daughter’s hair: “How about a double French braid swirled into a fancy bun?”
When I do her hair: “How about a hat?”
You can add “cha cha cha” to any sentence you want without explaining yourself. Nobody really appreciates this.
Me: *Living in the US for 16 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
#TrueStory
The most important thing I learned in life, and I can’t stress enough, it doesn’t matter where you went to college.
The only thing that matters is that you’re really hot.
I bought a Christmas tree today and the salesman asked if I was going to put it up myself. I said no, I’m going to put it in the living room.