Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I wear my tattoos on the inside. Ever since having discount back surgery from a guy named “Spider.”

Frog purse.

Every Law & Order episode should end with:

“Objection your honor, the prosecution’s face is way too symmetrical!”

i don’t feel like cooking, but i’m too exhausted to say thank you 53 times at a restaurant.

gf: that guy hit on me, make him pay

me: [to guy] u need to buy our drinks

My Dog: *quiet, with his ears folded like little fortune cookies*

Me: WHAT DID YOU DO

I would like you to meet my significant other. Her name is Cheese.

[My relationship with TV]

There’s nothing on.

*watches nothing for the next six hours.

me: *cooking 47th meal of the day*

my kid: mom, let’s pretend the kitchen is a restaurant

me: *eye twitch intensifies*

I’m only two people away from having a love triangle.

Cashier: That’ll be 15 clams.
Me: *opening cooler full of shellfish* Do you have change for a lobster?

You kids may find it hard to believe but there was a time when a new Star Wars or Marvel movie didn’t feel like a homework assignment.

Dishwasher: *starts*

Peanut butter on knife: LMAO

Me every time my old dentists office calls me to schedule an appointment not knowing I changed to a new dentist

dutch is not a serious language

Anonymously I asked kids (aged 6) to write new years resolutions. Here are some favorites…
“Eat more butter”
“Build a mud hut”
“Learn to drive”
“Try my hardest at everything but not maths”
“Make a new language”
“Invent Google”

I don’t use Tinder, I meet girls the old school way: never

I’ll never understand why my children think pooping is a social activity.

9yo: Did you know that long, long ago. Like, really long ago, it took computers MINUTES to connect to the internet. Like actual MINUTES.
Me: Yeah… I knew that.
9yo: Of course you did because you like history.
Me: Go away now.

in other news congrats to my therapist for securing a 4 year contract with me

WHY WRITERS ARE STARING AT NOTHING
• they’re actually working shh this is the process
• haven’t slept in 19 years so this is a power nap
• hoping a bakery will appear
• just fell down a plot hole and horror is setting in
• about to scream
• any second now
• oh here they go

DATE: So tell me about yourself
ME: My brain sturdy like large oak table
DATE: Ok

*out for dinner with friends*
Me: I’m going to need 5 desserts and 1 spoon.
Waiter: Don’t you mean 1 dessert and 5 spoons?
Me: You heard me.

The people on house hunting shows are always like “I am a bus driver, and my partner here collects dead bugs. Our limit is 6 million dollars”.

Get real…

I know there’s a lot going on right now in America but my husband just used one of the good towels!

Genie: You have one wish left… use it wisely.

My dumb brain: I wish to know why sandwiches taste better when cut diagonally.

[Me as a Realtor]

BUYERS: this is a great house, what’s the catch?
ME: Well, it is a bit.. [cant think of the word haunted] ghost encrusted

[ Dracula opens freezer ]

Her: What are you doing with my tampons?

Dracula: Making popsicles

I don’t wanna party like it’s 1999, I want to pay my bills like it’s 1999

Her: If I get fat will you break up with me?
Me: No but you’re now just two more inane questions away from being buried in the garden.