Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ARE YOU READY FOR TACOOO TUESDAAYYYY?

— my kid on a Saturday

Introduced a friend to Parks and Rec but told them Rec stands for “Reconnaissance” because spies are trying to infiltrate the parks dept.

They keep saying they can’t tell who the spies are and I just keep going, “I know, right?? They’re really good!”

Irony is how Jesus is too Liberal for most of his own Fan Clubs

husband [joking]: i know someone going to a military school

15 [not joking]: i know someone going to a nursing home

Sometimes I’m depressed and then a girl stars one of my tweets and it’s like YAAAAYYYY NEW GIRLFRIEND!!!!!

professor x: what’s your power?

me: i’m super chill

professor x: we already have iceman how would that help?

me: yeah man

professor x: what?

me: [nodding] yeah

Them: what part of your morning routine takes the longest ?

Me: finding the will to get up

This is completely inappropriate. Where do I sign up?

I just ate an oatmeal raisin cookie so my kid didn’t have to.

He will be reminded of this sacrifice for many decades.

I feel like a voodoo doll living in a Barbie world.

Pro tip: being patient will get you out of raking leaves. One of these days will be windy and they will blow into your neighbors yard.

I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.

A coward dies a thousand deaths, a soldier dies but one. That’s why I look up to cowards, enduring so many deaths makes you strong.

Traffic fantasy:

– Someone does something stupid
– I give them “the look”
– They learn their lesson
– The roads are safer because of me

The kids I babysit wanted to watch Coco but I said we couldn’t because I would cry, so then they asked to watch Moana instead and I said that movie also makes me cry and this child just looks at me and says, “I don’t think it’s a problem with the movies”.

I wish I could get my coworker to stop texting me the reasons why she isn’t coming to work

Just because you haven’t met the love of your life yet….yeah, no. I have nothing.

hm, feeling a little stiff today. must be from all that (into megaphone) HIKING

What if we misunderstood the expression? What if it’s not time that heals all wounds but thyme, the herb, that holds mystical healing powers? And all this time God has been shouting from heaven “You idiots! Just sprinkle thyme on it!!”

Wouldn’t that be something?

Me *taking long drag on cigarette: “Kids, funerals aren’t really for the dead you know. They’re for the living”

*2 weeks later

[In church]
Priest: “We are gathered here today to…”

Me *furiously banging on coffin lid: “This is not what I meant!“

Mirror, mirror on the wall…

Mirror: I said no.

Never understood the desperation behind placing ur order in English at KFC/McD. Heard a guy practicing his order while sanding in the queue.

look detective, we’re ALL looking for a hot 5’ 10” guy with athletic build and strong follow through instincts

I dreamed I won $10 million on a slot machine so you can imagine how thrilled I was to wake up and get ready for work.

For Sale:

baby shoes, never worn.

too small.

should have bought adult shoes.

funeral catering business:

your loss, our gain

My lighter has 2 options:
1. Nope
2. Flamethrower

Getting away with an expired coupon like, yes, I am a con artist.

“Read that again”

No thanks, it sucked the first time.

my friends: “im not a hater but-”

me: “dont worry i am”