I’m at that age where I keep swatting in the air around my head trying to kill the buzzing mosquito, but realizing it’s just my deviated septum..
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Gordon Ramsay: Can you explain to me why this kitchen is so ghastly? Do you ever even clean?!
Manager: I have an elite cleaning team working tirelessly in this restaurant.
Cat on Roomba: *rolls by making unbroken eye contact*
M: …ignore that.
Does anyone know if I can use a lawnmower to get snow and ice off my driveway?
This is one for those who have seen certain US TV commercials. 😂
Oh, you have dignity? Well I have nachos. I win.
Instead of presents, give your kids “presence.” Then explain how homonyms can be hilarious. Then leave forever.
Never play musical chairs against a person in a wheelchair. They will always beat you.
I would love to be the reason you look at your phone and smile
Then walk into a wall
So I taught myself how to juggle chainsaws from a YouTube video and let’s just say this took me twenty minutes to type out one handed
HORSE: *walks into a bar*
BARTENDER: Why the long face?
HORSE: Updog
BARTENDER: What’s updog?
HORSE: Not much just walking into a bar
Just signed up for free HBO, but the terms and conditions were so steep I think I also agreed to carry Steve Buscemi’s baby.
Dear 16, Just between you and me, you CAN actually use too much Axe body spray. Love, Exasperated Mom
People who say 45 minutes past the hour are the same ones who have kids 89 and 63 months old
Mmmm canned fish.
Did you know that your iPad has a built in bathroom scale app? Go ahead, try it.
me: I’m in a terrible mood
friend: try drinking some water
me: how dare you my emotions are real and can’t be placated
[immediately after drinking water]
me: okay obviously the water didn’t do anything but I think while drinking I took time to reflect and feel better
All I’m saying is that I’ve chaperoned a 25 student class field trip and you’re definitely in trouble if you lose even one of them.
I never forget to eat but I do eat to forget
BREAKING: Scarlet Johansson to play Idris Elba as James Bond
Jaws (1975): people started hating a shark for doing normal shark things
Your eyes may say yes, but your eyebrows are screaming “I will boil your bunny the minute you ignore me!”
Every McDonald’s should have a flag they fly at half mast when the ice cream machine is down.
Finally getting around to calling all those kids that wrote in my middle school yearbook, “We should hang out this summer.”
if you save that one free donut u get everyday after getting vaccinated, by the end of the year that’s enough donuts to open your own shop but y’all don’t see the vision
In elementary I got all the chicks because my box of crayons had a built-in sharpener. Been on a dry spell ever since. Just me & my crayons.
There is nothing more enjoyable than watching a child being chased by a seagull.
Aoccdrnig to Ylae rseaerch, it deosn’t mtater waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are in, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is how mcuh mnoey you hvae
JESUS: I shall turn water to wine
JUDAS: Actually wine is 85% water so that’s only 15% miracle
JESUS: This is literally the WORST betrayal
I actually turned on the light so the Roomba could “see” where it was going, so I’m not exactly firing on all cylinders today.
Him: Your test came back, and it’s negative.
Me: Whew! Thank goodness.
Him: No, your math test. You’re failing this class.
Trump: 🎶 Do you wanna build a snowman? 🎶
Elsa: Who will pay for this snowman?
Trump: 🎶 Ok byeee 🎶