Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I got a haircut and grabbed some
shampoo at the checkout line.

Her : “Do you want a bag ?”
Me : “OMG…is the haircut that bad ?”
Her :

Your hands aren’t tied down when you’re at the dentist, you’re allowed to put your hands in his mouth too.

Sneak into the employee bathroom at Target and make some violent alien noises, maybe leave a jellyfish in the toilet

a woman wished me a “happy resurrection” today except i forgot what day it was so i got a little worried for a minute

[At a restaurant]
*phone rings*
Ugh, these are way worse than onion rings.

One of my favorite parts of grocery shopping is when somebody else does it for me.

My super power is getting hungry as soon as someone says the food won’t be ready for two hours.

I carry around a fog machine so I can make a dramatic entrance every time I enter a room.

It’s OK, The Phantom Menace. I also came out in 1999 and am a bit disappointing

HOW TO SURVIVE A BEAR ATTACK:

STEP 1: buy a recliner

STEP 2: buy some beer

STEP 3: stay home and watch tv instead of going into the woods

arnold schwarzenegger opening a flower shop saying things like “come with me if you want tulips” and “it’s not a petunia” and “your clovers. give them to me”

A woman just pulled out her checkbook to pay for groceries and even the cultured butter dropped an f-bomb.

Just saw a pal I haven’t seen in awhile and she said she’s been busy with her psychic doing past lives regression. That’s not my jam but wow am I stealing that line next time I need an excuse for being out of touch.

You should always read labels. I was about to eat this rat poison but then saw it has gluten in it. I could have died,

I always forget that Justin Bieber is Canadian, and then I remember that one of his biggest hits was called “Sorry”.

Kids be like don’t worry I aimed for the rug so I wouldn’t get your bowl dirty

My teen looks at me.
Her sweet voice says “are you going to work today?”
But her eyes say “in THAT outfit?”

You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not a bowl of mashed potatoes.

If you think fruit is better than candy just remember Eve ate an apple, not a Reese’s.

*security rushes to the department store fitting room to break up a fight but just finds me trying to squeeze into a pair of jeans.

If I were Noah, I’d be grabbing two of every bottle of alcohol

Why do they have the Met gala on a monday? the celebs probably have to come straight from from work

the guy who invented predictive text died yesterday

his funfair is next Friday

After I dropped my daughter off at college, my youngest son said “We’re finally empty nesters. Let’s start traveling”.

I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m hungry like I’ll tell you anything

[standing outside in the rain]

*opens weather app*

Looks like rain today.

Can i have some thoughts and prayers for my sister?

She’s fine she’s just an idiot.

My new diet plan is to hibernate and live off all this fat I’ve accumulated.

“I’ve said too much already.“

“All you did was blink.”

“Yeah, but twice.”

me: if there are any spirits here, pleasant yourself to us

ghost: bro did you just say pleasant instead of present?

me: oh no

2nd ghost: lmao this idiot said pleasant

3rd ghost: pleasant

4th ghost: pleasant

5th ghost: pleasant