Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Such a stupid sign! Babies can’t read

I don’t mean to brag but I stopped eating an incredible meal because I was full and didn’t need anymore.

Starting my own Mafia! Looking for:

1. About 5-6 oafish goons
2. A “supply guy”
3. Level 4 Mage
4. ????
5. Someone named Tony

Child: Mum!
Dad: Oh come on it’s not that bad
Child: MUUUM!
Dad: (You little prick) Hey hun..

Her: I never take my eyes off my son. I hate how parents are so inattentive these days.

Me: [lifting 6 out of lion cage] mm hmm me too

Why are iPhone chargers not called “apple juice”?

Sorry/Not Sorry

If you take terrible vacations, it’s more exciting coming back home

TV shows project an unrealistic image, like catching a criminal in an hour or that people don’t spend most of the day in pyjamas drinking wine.

I feel more comfortable in your arms than anywhere else ❤

~Conversations I have with my couch

OF COURSE IT’S A GENUINE BEETHOVEN! Look at those brush strokes, the stunning use of colour.

I hate when someone you love says mean things like, “It’s time to wake up.”

spent the day in the woods trying to distract the deer hunters. shocked at the things I’d do just to save a few bucks

Want to feel old? This is what the vampires from Buffy the Vampire Slayer look like now.

In Starbucks a woman went sh*t house rat crazy when she got a double shot of espresso instead of the triple shot she ordered. I’m fine now.

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

*loses my composure*

Weigh me now

Of all my mistakes, you were the mistakiest

[China]
“You have to get good grades”
KID: But it’s so hard!
“We’re Can-tonese not Cant-tonese”
KID: You gotta admit that’s a bit confusing

odysseus: we now set out on our odyssey.

sailor: [raising hand] what’s an odyssey?

odysseus: a long journey named after the only survivor.

sailor: oh ok wait what.

TONIGHT ON HOUSE HUNTERS

*extremely Australian accent*
This here house is one of the most deadly in the world. Imma poke it with a stick

Waiter, there appears to be a red bandana in my turtle soup.

[Later, Snake sees a Lizard]
Snake (to God): DUDE! Seriously??
*God and Lizard high-five, adding insult to injury*

Mathematically there’s a very small percentage of the cat that is claws although she so often makes it seem otherwise.

[When Harry Met Sally, 1989]

HARRY: Hey

SALLY: Sup

*roll credits*

[Therapy]
Me: What do you mean “boundary issues?”
Therapist (gently pushing me off his lap): Why don’t you put some clothes on & we’ll talk?

How would someone cancel an appointment at a sperm bank?

Do you just call them and say you can’t come

[marriage counseling]

Ginny- He always hides from our problems.

Therapist- Is this true?

Harry- *puts on invisibility cloak* No.

CAR GPS: turn left
PHONE GPS: turn right
C: who was that?
ME: just a friend
P: just a friend?
ME: wait
C: make an illegal U-turn
ME: babe

My Mom taught me to treat others the way I want to be treated so I always walk up to strangers and spray canned cheese in their mouth.

my buddy told me he was on a plane and they were like “is there a doctor on board” and he was like “im a paramedic” and they were like “no it’s ok we found a DOCTOR” and the doctor was like “uhhh i haven’t examined a patient since med school can we please bring the paramedic”

anyways turns out the person was just sleeping so everything was fine