Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

How much does it cost to keep chickens?

About a buckahhhh week

[first rap battle]

me: call me artisanal burger because i’m falling apart

opponent: please stop crying

My neighbors have both a howling dog and a screaming baby out in their yard. I’d throw a rock or something but I’m afraid I’d hit the dog.

The part of the Harry Potter movies that I found most unbelievable was that mostly unsupervised teenagers never had wild keg parties.

Go ahead, criticize my overprotective parenting but no gorillas were shot on my watch.

someone very mysteriously dumped 3-400 pounds of pasta in the woods in old bridge, nj …… i need to know everything

Top causes of divorce:
1. Finances
2. Infidelity
3. Unmet expectations
4. Growing apart
5. Tandem bikes

I’m only here while I wait for that Nigerian prince to follow through on his end of the bargain.

you haven’t truly known fear until a long-forgotten furby in the back of your bedroom closet starts screaming in an australian accent at 3am

Women be like ‘I hope you look exactly like your profile photo’ and then when you’re kneeling outside the restaurant holding a fish they’re all ‘Omg what is wrong with you’. I can’t win you guys.

Received a resume today that listed gap explanations which included such hits as “skydiving accident”, “temporary blindness” and finally my personal favorite “cartwheel incident”

My credit card was declined and when I called Visa they asked me to verify that I was a 39 year old man buying a unicorn frappuccino.

escape room employee: would you like a hint?

me: hmm this door says PUSH which likely stands for Pull Until Secrets Happen

My kids came over for their weekly visit and I said to them: “Life is short so never spend time doing anything you don’t want to do.” They said: “Cool! Bye.”

me: sorry, but 40 is NOT too old to date!
wife: this has nothing to do with your age

Horse Trainer: OK, so THIS is a very rare breed of unicorn.

Her: He’s kind of uncomfortable to ride.

Horse Trainer: Well, if you sat on its back….

Will I understand The Matrix if I haven’t seen The Matrviii? Will I understand sex if I’ve never had seix?

I’ve got bad news. I went out to your apiary and someone had stolen all your apes. There were a lot of bees hanging around. You might see if they know who did it.

The best way to stay safe on the road is to drive like something other cars want to avoid.

There are only six months between Christmas and Easter which means Jesus was some kind of prodigy “super baby”. Most people don’t consider how much he accomplished in his short lifetime.

It’s awkward when I have to pull someone aside and point out that my fly is open.

You wanna take this outside bro? You sure bro? It’s awfully chilly bro. Hold on bro, let me grab my scarf.

My calendar says I have 18 meetings left this week. Time to go lick Maria in accounting; she’s coming down with flu.

“I think I stepped in some upchuck”
What’s up, Chuck?
“Not much, but my name’s not Chuck”
*vomits*

If orange juice comes with pulp included, vodka should have mashed potato in it.

All my friends asking me for a #PS5 😂

ladies say I’m a hamster in the sheets because I squeal when I’m uncomfortable and I leave small pellets in the bed

Sorry I said “What is it?” when you showed me your baby.

[Bat symbol lights up Gotham’s sky]
“Gordon needs me, the city needs me.”
[Robin waving flashlight around]
“Oh wow look they need me too.”

This will be our daughter’s first year trick or treating and the goal is to get her to collect all the candy for us and then immediately forget it exists