Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

As an adult very few things are less humiliating than being caught in public trying to be cute for a selfie.

i made way too much chili and i’ve been eating way too much chili and at this point i’m like 87% chili

This is the final season of Young Sheldon.

I hope they don’t kill him off.

Me: I’m not really good with plants. They just need too much time and attention.

Her: Don’t you have a child?

What psycho decided it was a good idea for kids to hunt for chocolate easter eggs right when the spring thaw reveals all the dog poop?

I used to play computer games for three hours a day, but that was before I had a job. Now I can afford twice as many computer games.

me: I think I’m losing my marbles

proctologist: I’m finding them

Me: I don’t feel well

Mom: Did you eat the plastic fruit again, Gigi?

Me: No

Mom: …

Me: …

Mom: …

Me: *throws up plastic banana*

The most important thing you will ever learn is the very real difference between glossy and shiny.

[first day as a bartender]

customer: i’d like this drink to go to the lady in the corner

me: [holding it] HEY

her: [looks up]

me: CATCH

Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.

Teenager: *eats three corn dogs and a row of Chips Ahoy* mom what’s for dinner

Therapist: It seems like you have an
acute phobia of marriage. Do you know
the symptoms?

Patient: I can’t say I do.

Therapist: Exactly. That’s one of them.

If I were Noah, I’d be grabbing two of every bottle of alcohol

I don’t envy mama birds for how they have to feed their babies, but the pushing them out of the nest part sounds fun.

Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.

My dog:

[Brings date home]
O geez did I leave all my rare, holographic Pokemon cards out on my bed again? Guess we’ll just have to lay here & battle

I’m a spitting image of Ryan Gosling. Like if Ryan Gosling were to spit and look at his reflection in it, that would be me.

Twitter is great because you can tweet “hi” and someone will tell you you’re wrong.

The secret to a happy marriage is having the same definition of clean.

*teaches nephew about the telegraph*

him: people could already text and we still invented the telephone?

The only time I chase guys is when they try to steal my food

PATIENT: i just feel like something is missing from my life
THERAPIST: [is a cat] have you tried biting plastic

children: Are those Giant spiders going to eat us?

Dumbledore: Check out this toast that butters itself!

Do not let children style your hair. They are bad at it and everyone will roast you for looking ridiculous.

Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.

fat and greedy, my favorite type of animal

*As the Titanic sinks*

Bandleader: Next, we’d like to play something off our new album

Guy clinging to railing: BOOOOOOO

I haven’t really been as disappointed as I was when I realised that the movie ‘Breakfast Club’, actually had nothing to do with food

Bladder: I have to go

Laziness: Hang in there, champ